Zelda - Goodbye my almost lover, my hopeless dream

[Zephyr]

Zelda, have you read anything on codependency, I can't remember if you had. There are some pretty good books / articles on the topic. If you pick up 'codependency no more' you will see me described on pg 13,

Seriously though I would bet you would find an avenue to understanding some of those questions you are posing about yourself. It will Absolutely h3lp you in future relationships, not just romantic in nature.

Have you ever contacted your first love again (if he is not attached)?

[Zelda09]

I am really a mess today. I thought I couldn't cry and feel much anymore, so much for that.

Zephyr, IDK. My IC doesn't think co-dependent as much as trying to win a game that can't be won, in making an unstable person stable. I see some co-dependency traits in me, but we also probably all see narc traits in ourselves, too.

I am reposting from the abuse thread:

"I hesitate to write on this thread or back on mine...but word got to me that STBX has said of his behavior and what happened between us...'the accident (3 yrs ago), it will be a while before I am right again.'

And my little heart wants to bleed and hope, and I have had to tell myself twenty times today that the accident occurred three years after plenty of other abuses. It didn't cause anything, and yet I am hoping. I keep trying to see hope that he 'recognizes' he isn't right (yet, will not contact me to apologize or finish our divorce), hope! that he seems to have some introspection after all! (or this isn't a wonderfully pretty thing to say when he realizes I've not been keeping secrets like I used to). Maybe this means he can see he has things he needs to address! And I can have my 'soulmate' back again!

Welcome to crazy land.

I am having an absolute meltdown with all these feelings and knowing how dangerous for my sanity it would be to reach out to his poor victimized soul again, what another time or two on the rollercoaster would be. I post here, because this is part of the cycle as much as abuser, but as 'target.' The hope is intoxicating."

How badly I want it to be true. That he sees himself as not right and knows what he did was awful. How badly I want it to be true that he actually loved me at one point and wasn't sitting there smiling, pleased with himself like some sociopath when we discussed divorce. Proof is in their actions, however. And his actions - well, for someone 'not right' he sure can drive now, no PTSD. He sure can date and play and drink and nothing is amiss until someone brings up the subject of his marriage. And if he has remorse, I would never know. 10 weeks now. I don't want to use my limited funds to file against him; all he needs to do is sign and we are done. There is no mediation, everything was worked out and yet he won't put a signature to it beside mine.

I am an absolute waterworks. WTF is wrong with me.

[gan]

Nothing Z. Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. I can honestly say that it will just take time for emotions to settle and for clarity to prevail. It's taken me 12+ months to realise that sadness at the loss of my M and hope for my future can co-exist....and a signature on a piece of paper doesn't much affect that.

Why do you need him to sign so badly? Maybe the simple answer is he's lazy, or he's not ready, or he's trying to control you. But why does him not signing mean so much to you at the moment? Would things be very different if he did sign? Or would you still be having to deal with the occasional waterworks?

[Zelda09]

It would be different bc there would be absolutely no tie between us. No shoe to drop.

It is the only thing that keeps me thinking about him in current terms. I want him to be my past.

I'd like to start dating again before the year is up and I'm unwilling to do so with a quasi D.

I want the quit claim on my house to be filed so that isn't in the back of my mind as something he will fight me on if he gets a wild hair.

I want to not know that we are still M and he is on Tinder, I want the business finished so he has no reason ever again to contact me, and the sooner that reason the better.

I want this door to be closed for good for my own piece of mind. Nothing to 'save' if I get a weak moment.

[TLEE86]

Z- I am so sorry that you are feeling all this right now. I know how the emotions just come out of no where and smacks you right in the face and tears you didnt even know you had just come out. Happened to me yesterday.

As far as the signing of D papers, I cant help but wonder if, despite everything you just said ^, if you're holding onto that because you're holding onto hope. That "hey H hasn't signed yet, its sitting in front of him he's telling me he wants a D, but he wont sign. Maybe that means theres still a chance."

Z, your H knows what he did isn't right but he isn't able to say that to you right now. In your posts, I see someone who, as much as you say you want him to be out of your life and you cant wait and all this and that...that you still really want it to work out. That you hope he will come to you and say that he's wrong for everything and you can have your "soulmate" back.

I think you need to really ask yourself, and maybe I'm just insane as well, if you want him back or not. Truly, truly ask yourself if he said Z, from the bottom of my heart I'm so sorry and i want to be your H again, would you let him back in. Because imo, i don't think your ready to date, not at all. I think you might be looking at dating to get your mind off things, to see what else is out there, to give you hope for the future.

Im not saying this to be a jerk, if thats how its coming off, but thats how i view things in my own sitch. That i know as much as i want to date sometimes, i cant do it. and id only be doing it to get my mind off of things.

Thoughts?

[Zelda09]

TLEE, I would be a fool to ever, ever consider someone who did what he did...without remorse, and that creepy smile the next day. Someone who lied to me about having met others/slept with others while he was away - to get in my pants when he came home and pretended to work on our M so he had a roof over his head and could sabotage and leave when his money came in. Someone who pretended he couldn't drive so he could use me, our friends. He is still not taking any responsibility. The accident made him be awful! He is still life's victim. If I know one thing about both the abusers in my life, lack of responsibility and victimhood is their common thread.

If he were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow begging forgiveness, promising change, I would first need an insane asylum. For myself. Of course I want that but I can't have it. It would tear me to pieces. I made sure to tell my family and closest friends what has been really going on for years so they could shake me if I tried it.

Second, I would tell him that we need a divorce first. And he is welcome to get his life together and we can talk about dating after we see what he's made of himself and all the independence he said he wanted. But he would have to sing a different tune than he's been singing for almost 40 years to be what I truly wish to attract in my life.

I want to be with an adult who will walk beside me and communicate fairly, has the tools to do that without a lot of manipulation, twisting and dodging. I want to be with someone who will help me build a life, not just let me pull them along and destroy in periodic tantrums.

Of course I love him, TLEE. Love isn't the answer to all though.

You're perceptive, I have all these rotten conflicting emotions. But this time my head will rule!

[Vanilla]

I understand why you want D. I really know why you want never to see H again.

It's addiction pure and simple, it's withdrawal and only refraining from contact of any kind will cause the addiction to subside. The trauma and excitement are also attention for H and you.

WH is holding on to his supply of hope to recycle. The honeymoon cycle is amazing and enhanced addiction but the horror that follows.

But I get it, I really do.

I know that smile, that smirk, the one that says I pulled one over, I got you, the double bind had you. There are many terms for it but it's the one they do and gloat.

When I said to my H "I never want to see or talk to you again. make it happen". I meant it, "I will never be abused again" even though I may really want WH to mend his ways.

I need to be strong in my recovery, May 2 2015 was my horror day, it's 7 weeks and it is really hurting and painful. Like it was yesterday, and I haven't seen him since only texts. I really only respond OK and insist I know when he collects more stuff. People report what he says and I put on my earphones and I say I don't want to know. Dont tell me. H is drunk? So be it. H is sorry and says its his fault? OK, crocodile. H has rented a large house? That's interesting. H hasn't told his golf buddies he doesn't live here? His choice but I won't lie for him. Go away H, I will D you. Have a great life, I hope you get it together and I pray you do so that there is less damage for others and for you. I love you but I can't be with you as I love me more. Drama over but the attempt to abuse continues.

V

[Zelda09]

Thanks for sharing, V. Re change, I posted on our other thread.

Your H sounds like mine in that they are not pursuers in the least. Not the kind to show up with red roses at the door, but the kind to live in denial and fog as long as possible.

[Vanilla]

I fear my STBX is more a dandelion man rather than roses!

His idea of pursuit is leaving a breadcrumb trail for the rats to enter.

H has posted a picture of his new motor bike, guess that means his new gf is a biker! He will have trouble getting his golf clubs on the back of it.

Another chameleon move by H. H is not living in a fog, to be in fog he has to be confused and this man is deliberate and determined. I am thinking of a 180 repeller, a kind of reverse of Sandi guidelines. A breeze block strategy to make me so uninteresting to H. An abuser repellant kit. Sounds like a post for the new thread. P

I can not wait for this to be over. The D can not come soon enough, I am keen to start to heal. I need to file. I need a new life if this STBX will just stay away.

I hope Z you get the result you want from your H.

V

[Zelda09]

I get it, V.

As much as it is so unnecessary (IF he would just finish what he started), I am preparing for the expense of filing and serving him, starting it all over again. So redundant. But I have spent more on a weekend vacation and probably got less peace/piece of mind than what I think I will have, having this done.

If he escalates it, he does. I can't control the outcome, and avoiding issues isn't my style.

We know that the advice here to those wishing to save their marriage is to stall if possible in these matters. But that is not my STBX, unless he is truly somewhat a borderline personality and everything is the opposite game. And we've seen some of this in past years, him lashing out at even friends when he wants reassurance from them.

Perhaps:

Every day he doesn't sign, is a day he hopes for me to come calling to take the blame again and put us back together.

Sitting back like this will force me to file and he can always say, My W D'd me," and be the victim. It will go well with his new explanation of things that sure he was awful, but hasn't been right since the accident, and I left him, I can hear it now. Oh well. I don't care anymore, I know what happened that day and that I did fight for my M. That his behavior looked just like his behavior pre-accident, too. Every step, even during confrontation, I told him I would stand by him if he would address the abuse. So who cares really.

It's control for him, pure and simple. I beg for him to address things, he says no point. I say I'll sign, he throws curve ball when we are at notary. Curve ball resolved, and I say I'll sign, he quibbles on who pays $100 fee. Threatens to have me served. We get that resolved, I sign...and he doesn't. For 10 weeks and counting. During which time he is verbally abusive via text re my request that he gets all of his things out of the garage - "I'll get my things whenever the hell I feel like it...I am shocked at my ability to not call you names right now...get the F out of your own way you Fing bleep...you will get me my f'ing stuff or I will drown you in legal bills" (I gave up. And have settled in this position of get your things or don't, sign your papers or don't.)

And I'm really, really tired of whatever this game is.

Sometimes I get the faintest psychic sense that this is just one of our 'rough spots' and we'll be together again, talking big words about everything that happened here. But I think that is the addiction part, the way a smoker can still taste their cigarette even months after cold turkey.

So, V, I will wish the same for you H as I wish for mine - may they enjoy the life they've worked for, and may they find their equal in a partner.