Abuse

[Vanilla]

V Personal red flags from her R with H.

Red Flags

1.Moved very fast – declares undying love very early. H moved in with me within 5 months. Take my time.

2.Claimed to believe in love at first sight, and uses phrases like ‘it’s you and me against the world’ and " i am very glad i found you". Disbelieve early protestations of love and look for grounded love.

3. Used his charm to impress and ingratiate himself with my family and friends. They all said what a fantastic boyfriend. Family and friends can get it wrong.

4. Is homophobic and racist – reacts with anger or disgust. I am not and I have friends of all hue and beliefs. Views like this don't meet my values.

5. Did not respect my privacy or need for personal space – he routinely ready my emails, knows my password, reads my text messages. Next time privacy if breached is not a casual thing.

6. Tracks my movements, works with me. Even now turns up at odd times, deleted information on iPads and iPhones. Big problem if he knows where I am but not visa versa.

7. Has strange, irrational behaviour and beliefs. Numerous 'rules' for what he would eat or drink that kept changing. This is just play wacky.

8. Is disinterested in animals gave away his pets, always criticising people, those he worked with, golf colleagues, his family and my family. Next time tolerance and kindness.

9. Did not pass ‘the waitress and barmaid test’! Was rude and insisted we leave if the pub didn't have his favourite beer. Next time look for someone who treats every one with respect.

10. My abuser used to make a point of giving to charity at black tie events. Privately and sometimes publicly he still showed no compassion for my welfare and feelings. Public and personal persona should match.

11. Exaggerates his personal achievements or talents. Claimed qualifications he didn't have. Can check the background properly.

12. Has ‘hair trigger’ changes of mood – the classic Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde. You’ll not know what set him off, and be left dazed and confused by how quickly the rage disappears and replaced by softness and tenderness. I never knew which H was present in my life the 'nice' or 'nasty' H. Moodiness is really bad news.

13. Has unrealistic ambitions or expectations, is a gambler also compulsive and so will never build. Expending my resources.

14. Displays excessive reactions to real or perceived threats, criticises little things and over reacts. Look for drama.

15. Chooses a risk-taking lifestyle – gambling, smoking, fast driving and excessive drinking. Look for stability.

16. Habitually lies – about small stuff as well as big stuff and then accuses me of being a compulsive liar. Question when gut says something is wrong.

17. Withholds sex. Says I am fat and repulsive and too sexual aggressive and it's ugly. Look for ordinary sexual needs.

18. acknowledges my needs, desires or hopes only when necessary. His come first, and anyway – aren’t my needs the same as his? Says I am not a "we" person because there is only "him". Look for compromise.

19. If he did something nice, like running you a bath – he’s doing me a favour. 
Usually no Christmas card, and doesn't remembers my birthday, because he simply doesn’t give a damn. Respects things which are important to me including my belongings.

20. Laughs at things others find disturbing and has inappropriate responses to suffering in others. Solution to abuse on the Paris subway? He understands it. Look for balance.

21. My money is his but his is his own. Gave up work and has spent his cash, he can't afford to pay his bills. Look for independence and self respect.

22. Never says ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ to me. 

V