Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[sandi2]

I am a former WW, and I try to share with Newcomers (mostly the husbands)the mindset of a WW, and what does & doesn't work on their wives while they are wayward. I hope you will read this thread I wrote about wayward wives. In those three threads, I think some things about your stitch may be explained.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Your W will NEVER fall in love with you as long as she has the OM. She may tolerate you, may even have sex with you.....but she's not going to feel romantic/sexual attraction for both of you at the same time.

She says that she doesn't want to end the affair

Of course she doesn't want to end it. It is exciting, thrilling, makes her feel alive, and feeds her ego. It is also highly addictive! As long as she is in contact with OM, it's doubtful she can end the A. It would be like an alcoholic trying to give up the booze while drinking a bottle every day.

You won't be able to reason with her. The WW is not logical (just listen to some of the explanations she gives) so, you are wasting your breath trying to get her to see things rationally.

The WW operates strictly from emotions. Her emotions will override everything else. Her moral standards, her spiritual values/beliefs, her family ties, her reputation, etc.

All cheaters lie. Got that one from my friend, Starsky. I once tried to get around it by saying I never told my H a lie. Verbally, maybe not. Deceived him? Very much! Same thing, it's all a lie.

Don't listen to what she says, her actions will give her away. Same goes for you. She won't listen to anything you say, but she will notice your actions.

I worry about detaching too much

I think every newcomer LBH says this. It is b/c you don't fully understand DBing detachment. Read the link Cadet gave you about it. It's an attitude. A way of thinking.

She wants to leave her job (and has for a while). We are waiting to hear on a very possible job opportunity any day - but there is no guarantee the affair will end when she leaves - but I think the physical separation would certainly help greatly and perhaps knock her out of her A fog.

Staying away from OM is absolutely necessary. However, if they stay in touch by phone, email, etc., it won't help much for her to leave the job. Affairs, unfortunately, knows no distance. I doubt she's ended the physical with him. She is stalling you, is all. She is appeasing him by sending sexy pictures, but sooner or later, he will push for much more.

She sees no future with him. That means she sees him as a security risk. You are her security, he is her thrill. She wants both, and gets both. Part from you, and part from him. Pretty standard stuff for a WW, which we call cake eating.

Case in point......

She has said she loves me but is not in love with me. Though she also says she wants to be - and wants to feel the way she feels for the OM with me - she just doesn't right now, only feels like we're best friends.

OM is her lover, while you are her BFF. Maybe you should consider leaving the friend zone, while she's being unfaithful. When she decides to commit to the M, you can resume being her friend again.

We started couples therapy beginning the week after I found out. She was resistant at first (she only admitted that two weeks ago) but is now accepting to go and thinks it can be helpful though she usually leaves feeling guilty for hurting me with honesty in our sessions. She insists she wants to work on our marriage but also admits that she doesn't feel like she's trying 100%. But really, how could she if she's still involved in the A? That is the wall affecting true reconciliation.

Look T33, she can't have it both ways. Any intelligent adult knows you can't have an affair and a honest/loving MR at the same time. That shows you just how irrational she is. Those are her emotions in control of her decisions.

We have been doing date nights each weekend away from the kids D8 and D4. That has allowed us some very good connecting time. We do things together in the morning before work which is very nice for both of us - but it's hard to then leave her at work where I know she's right back in the midst of seeing and texting him.

You are the one who is feeling the need to reconnect with her. This would have been fantastic if it had been before she had OM on the side. She can't even be respectful enough to wait to text him when she's with you. What does that tell you? I'll tell you what this former WW sees. I see this ain't working for ya.

Part of one of my 180s is that I've dramatically reduced the number of times I come home late. I get home and much more reasonable times and we get to spend our evening together. Talking about all sorts of things including the A from time to time. We've really been enjoying our evening times. We talk about the future, including planning a trip for XMas. She usually brings up the future talk

Seriously, how can you discuss her affair with her? What's to say other than you are not willing to stay in an open marriage (unless you are). That is exactly what she's suggesting when she says all that BS to you.

Please read the 37 rules, to get a basic idea of what actions work and doesn't work.

I'm holding out A LOT of hope that this new job comes through. She is ready to put in her two weeks if it does. She won't leave her job if she doesn't have this new one to go to. I'm afraid I will be devastated if the job falls through.

You are setting yourself up for defeat. You see, you are placing all your hope that the A ends and the M will be fixed by her getting another job. That's like wanting someone else to come in and do the work for us. She is addicted! You cannot afford to hold out waiting for this type of stuff to fix the problem. There is only one thing that really works, and that will be what T33 does. I know what she's going to do. But what are you going to do? You can't depend on anyone else or anything else to do the hard work for you. Know what I mean? Put your hope in your God and plan to do the heavy lifting for yourself.

I believe the therapy sessions you and W are presently attending will serve no purpose. This is more of her stalling tactics. However, once the A has ended and she decides to commit to the M....then the therapy will be needed and can play a big part in piecing the M back successfully.

I know I can't force the affair to end - and even if I could it wouldn't be genuine. She has to choose to end it - and if she can - I know we can heal, grow, and be stronger for it. It's the waiting that's killing me.

So that's your game plan? To wait and see if she decides to end it? What if she doesn't.....then what? What if things get much worse (and they definitely can)......then what?

No, you can't force her to do much of anything. Does that place her in the driver's seat of your M? If you think it does......then you have a big problem. Hope you will rethink it and decide to learn how to drive.

You are petting and catering to an adulteress (to be blunt). How much respect do you think she has for you right now? Let me tell you about women. They are designed in such a way that they must respect their H in order to feel in love with him. Therefore, before you can hope to create any type of loving second marriage, you will have to do the necessary things to get back her respect. I promise you that no wife respects a husband who she can cheat on. Remember these words, respect = love. That applies to all wives. Even in the old arranged marriages, if they respected the H, the love eventually came. Now days, H's focus on getting the love first. He's missing that vital ingredient required for that special bonded love we call marriage.....her respect. Get that back, and most the battle is won.

With all that I've said, please don't give up now. You have so much to learn. Everyone has to learn it. It takes time to learn everything about DBing. The more you post, the more responses you'll receive and you need the support right now. I am more of an information type, I guess? But we have wonderful people here who are so great with encouraging and will give you support, if you will stick with us.

P.S. Please don't do anything rash, (regardless of whatever you read or the therapist may say), before you run it by the board. It helps to avoid a lot of mistakes.

OMG, this is as long as one of 25yrsmlc posts. (jk)