Might be hard to see ... I did not see it at the time either but reading some of my W's words this weekend, reading here and learning its all slowly making more sense .. well as much sense as one can make out of a pile of spaghetti.
Best way I think I can try to explain it ... she is on drugs in a way that have altered her mental state, there are flashes of her, might look like her but its just the shell ... mentally she is rowing a small boat in a very serious storm but its important that everyone think she has it all together ... those closest to her know better, the know something is off and wrong, those on the outter circle might think she has made a few changes, but seems that she is functional so nothing wrong there ... she is not going to let those of us who know her well 'in' its all about the mask.
Deep down she is lost and lonely ... but she thinks she has it figured out .. she is convinced its you ... you are the problem, you and that horrible mistake of a M she should have never agreed to. Once she gets away from you and the M she will truly be happy, she convinces herself of this .. even finds an OP to help her stay convinced .. look how happy I am with this other person had to be the LBS all along right?
Its a constant state of struggle, add some guilt ... second/third guessing ... turmoil. Its no wonder they lash out at us ... heck I made a point to ALWAYS open her door ... drove her batty .. in my way it was comical how being a gentleman would enrage her so ... looking back she was angry as this kind act and all the ones I've done over 24 years contradicted the demon she was trying so hard to convince herself I was.
If I have learned anything .. while your W is at this stage, just watch for this. Pressure. Any form of pressure will effect her greatly, within just a day or two. Pressure from us can send them flying back into the tunnel ... work pressure will make them appear years older within a week.... OP pressure will keep them up at night exhausted at how to fix an issue, how to make sure OP does not leave them ... this would force them to look in the mirror as another R failed and they are the common denominator
So .. for you, Detach, treat her as a science project, just observe her and her reactions to things rather than react to things she does .. flip that. Be crazty PMA and nice for a few eeks and notice .... Dark and minimal contact for a week and notice .. figure out what you can do to created a nice warm fuzzy vibe on your side .. one you are ok with understanding this will take a long time and she has to reach a point of suffering that makes her hit rock bottom.
I just learned from my W that when I took S for Christmas and left her alone, she went to the beach and realized she lost me, and her family Rock Bottom realization .... this took 3 months for her to admit to me and to end the A (March .. I don't want a D) .. and another 3 months after that to share (only due to Retrouvaille ... 6 months after she hit bottom but still feels a bit foggy though has moments of clarity.... STILL in crisis.
As far as I can tell .. her MLC is going on about 6 years now. The past 3 being the worst of it all.
