I am really a mess today. I thought I couldn't cry and feel much anymore, so much for that.
Zephyr, IDK. My IC doesn't think co-dependent as much as trying to win a game that can't be won, in making an unstable person stable. I see some co-dependency traits in me, but we also probably all see narc traits in ourselves, too.
I am reposting from the abuse thread:
"I hesitate to write on this thread or back on mine...but word got to me that STBX has said of his behavior and what happened between us...'the accident (3 yrs ago), it will be a while before I am right again.'
And my little heart wants to bleed and hope, and I have had to tell myself twenty times today that the accident occurred three years after plenty of other abuses. It didn't cause anything, and yet I am hoping. I keep trying to see hope that he 'recognizes' he isn't right (yet, will not contact me to apologize or finish our divorce), hope! that he seems to have some introspection after all! (or this isn't a wonderfully pretty thing to say when he realizes I've not been keeping secrets like I used to). Maybe this means he can see he has things he needs to address! And I can have my 'soulmate' back again!
Welcome to crazy land.
I am having an absolute meltdown with all these feelings and knowing how dangerous for my sanity it would be to reach out to his poor victimized soul again, what another time or two on the rollercoaster would be. I post here, because this is part of the cycle as much as abuser, but as 'target.' The hope is intoxicating."
How badly I want it to be true. That he sees himself as not right and knows what he did was awful. How badly I want it to be true that he actually loved me at one point and wasn't sitting there smiling, pleased with himself like some sociopath when we discussed divorce. Proof is in their actions, however. And his actions - well, for someone 'not right' he sure can drive now, no PTSD. He sure can date and play and drink and nothing is amiss until someone brings up the subject of his marriage. And if he has remorse, I would never know. 10 weeks now. I don't want to use my limited funds to file against him; all he needs to do is sign and we are done. There is no mediation, everything was worked out and yet he won't put a signature to it beside mine.
I am an absolute waterworks. WTF is wrong with me.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
