Yeah - the laughing thing. It is a new one. I will try to stay ahead of her on it.
In my heart I know she is there and again in my soul I know she is there. She is in this weird place right now that I can't help her or advise her or even stand with her. She views all of that as control now, so she walks her journey without me now and it breaks my heart to a million pieces.
She is so smug and so happy to throw us all away on this dragon she seems to be chasing. Nothing I have done has worked she falls deeper and deeper into this and our family becomes more and more normalized to our separation.
The only thing I can do now is let her go which I have done. The big question if I have let her go, why does she still want to make digs at me, push my buttons, and just generally act like a spoiled kid who enjoys messing with me.
My guess is she will stop with all of this when she elicitis no reactions from me at all. I will see her Friday at our S9's summer camp project. I don't plan to seek her out to sit with her, I will just sit where I can, concentrate on S9 and his accomplishmnets.
I will do my best to be polite cordial and breezy and then the kids and I will drive home. That's my plan anyway.
Went to the work chapel and sat and prayed for a long time.
It was good to be in a quiet place and let the feeling of God just wash over me. Peace, quiet, mediation, calm, mindfulness whatever you want to call it is a good feeling.
I will start to do this more often. The deepening of faith is never a bad thing now is it?
She is so smug and so happy to throw us all away on this dragon she seems to be chasing. Nothing I have done has worked she falls deeper and deeper into this and our family becomes more and more normalized to our separation.
The only thing I can do now is let her go which I have done. The big question if I have let her go, why does she still want to make digs at me, push my buttons, and just generally act like a spoiled kid who enjoys messing with me.
Oh that smugness drove me nuts .. I seriously wanted to smash a pie in her face. Was like it embodied this arrogant air like she was entitled to destroy it all, entitled to buy all these new clothes and show off how hot she was ... made me furious .. my wife is very attractive but I found she was even hotter as she never really understood how beautiful she was .. in crisis it was "I'm hot and all guys want me deal with it" ... helped me detach as it was a total turn off to me.
She wants to dig at you because ... well .. to be honest she insists you stay just where she put you, granted she pulled the trigger and left the M, but don't you dare live your life, you are to be a big ol mess, worthless without her there, suffering ... because inside she is suffering but will never allow you nor anyone to see that ... hence the mask, its her defense at the moment. Its a thin veil ... its a horrible place where she is right now, I know it hurts you, but she is even more miserable than you could ever imagine.
Do you really believe that she is miserable? I can't even process that. She is so "together" and "happy" and tells everyone that she is including our kids, our pastor, her friends and her family. Her family thinks I am crazy for refusing to acept that the marriage is over and won't let go gracefully. Jeez, good thing I don't care what they think - lol.
To me, it feels like she wants what she wants and she will do anything to get it, regardless of the cost, family, house, kids, me, anything to get it. The only thing that makes her back down is fear. When she gets scared, she will cry or start to act like a rational adult. Not that I am trying to scare her but I have noticed that over the years. It's like she is trying to prove a point that she is a grown up and can make her own decisions! Just like a 15 year old would think.
Various spews indidcate that she wants to be "herself" or "free" or I am in incapable of "understanding" her now, and that she now see's how "open relationships" really work. I have kept her from "living her life like she wanted to".
Based on some early emails I saw between her and AP, she admitted feeling scared about making the leap but she was doing it anyway, for freedom from tyrany not anything to do with her being in a sexual relationship with the AP.
To think she is hurting is puzzling. She got what she wanted! She has her freedom, her girlfriend, half time with our kids, why would she be hurting?
Believe none of what the WAS/MLCer says for it is all a smokescreen to cover up their unhappiness.
We are pretty good at shouting from the rooftop that we're happier and living it up with the OW/OM. In reality, it is the opposite and we would NEVER admit it to you because it would be admitting we are "wrong" about our choices/path. Embarassment and shame are what usually prevents them from coming home because we hate being judged.
The OW/OM is a cortisone shot that relieves pain temporarily. Trust me on this one. Heck, Cali's W just recently admitted to Cali that the XOM wasn't all he was cracked up to be.
It is not a matter of your W getting what "she wanted", but wanting the temporary fix to her own inner demons. You don't want to be in a MLCer's shoes.
Go back and re-read the link about my own MLC experience.
You are dwelling too much on "she got what wanted" when in reality she is at the bottom of the well pit.
Just bide your time and it all will be revealed in due course when her A crashes and burns.
I will reread again you thread. I read it once, I will reread it several more times for insight.
I will try to remember that she is not happy.
I will continue to bide my time.
I have a big fat rubber band on my right arm and am snapping the chit out of it when I get emotional about this. That shoulddo the trick.
Tonight I am joining the Y for a family membership so kids can enjoy swimming and gymnastics for my D6 and maybe some karate classes for S9. I love to swim and maybe will take up some classes too. All for the good fight.
Might be hard to see ... I did not see it at the time either but reading some of my W's words this weekend, reading here and learning its all slowly making more sense .. well as much sense as one can make out of a pile of spaghetti.
Best way I think I can try to explain it ... she is on drugs in a way that have altered her mental state, there are flashes of her, might look like her but its just the shell ... mentally she is rowing a small boat in a very serious storm but its important that everyone think she has it all together ... those closest to her know better, the know something is off and wrong, those on the outter circle might think she has made a few changes, but seems that she is functional so nothing wrong there ... she is not going to let those of us who know her well 'in' its all about the mask.
Deep down she is lost and lonely ... but she thinks she has it figured out .. she is convinced its you ... you are the problem, you and that horrible mistake of a M she should have never agreed to. Once she gets away from you and the M she will truly be happy, she convinces herself of this .. even finds an OP to help her stay convinced .. look how happy I am with this other person had to be the LBS all along right?
Its a constant state of struggle, add some guilt ... second/third guessing ... turmoil. Its no wonder they lash out at us ... heck I made a point to ALWAYS open her door ... drove her batty .. in my way it was comical how being a gentleman would enrage her so ... looking back she was angry as this kind act and all the ones I've done over 24 years contradicted the demon she was trying so hard to convince herself I was.
If I have learned anything .. while your W is at this stage, just watch for this. Pressure. Any form of pressure will effect her greatly, within just a day or two. Pressure from us can send them flying back into the tunnel ... work pressure will make them appear years older within a week.... OP pressure will keep them up at night exhausted at how to fix an issue, how to make sure OP does not leave them ... this would force them to look in the mirror as another R failed and they are the common denominator
So .. for you, Detach, treat her as a science project, just observe her and her reactions to things rather than react to things she does .. flip that. Be crazty PMA and nice for a few eeks and notice .... Dark and minimal contact for a week and notice .. figure out what you can do to created a nice warm fuzzy vibe on your side .. one you are ok with understanding this will take a long time and she has to reach a point of suffering that makes her hit rock bottom.
I just learned from my W that when I took S for Christmas and left her alone, she went to the beach and realized she lost me, and her family Rock Bottom realization .... this took 3 months for her to admit to me and to end the A (March .. I don't want a D) .. and another 3 months after that to share (only due to Retrouvaille ... 6 months after she hit bottom but still feels a bit foggy though has moments of clarity.... STILL in crisis.
As far as I can tell .. her MLC is going on about 6 years now. The past 3 being the worst of it all.
As you have kids, Heavy, you'll understand this analogy.
At Christmastime/Birthdays, they get all enamoured of the new shiny toy and hold it in a vice grip for weeks at a time. Several months pass by, then that shiny toy is flung on the floor somewhere all but forgotten.
Ahhhhh. The long view - such hard words but what else is there?
Question - w wants to take kids to out home state over Xmas. She needs my consent of course. Last Xmas eve she had kids and xmas eve and I had them for Xmas day. The rest of the week she had them.
So for this Xmas she wants it all and to go back home.
This leaves me a little miffed. We were supposed to do every other holiday - but where does that leave me this Xmas? Should I say no and be a jerk or should I say yes and be the sucker.
Maybe we could split the week but thats a long way to fly for just a few days and then back again - hard on kids.
I will have to think about this and what the best solution could be.
I suggested with my W Thanksgiving with one, Christmas with the other, then switch the following year. Never really happened .. the first year was a 'all of us during Christmas, I had no idea about OM at the time (Probably a good thing).
The next year I had him for Thanksgiving .. did an entire spread ... She was taking him to her family but plans fell through so I think I took him the 26th ... she hinted she wanted to come but at that point I was done ... was not going to give her any more cake honestly .. nor did I even want to be around her at the time.
Holidays are brutal ... but try not to look at it as "she wants it all " or "She is winning" .... think about the kids here and its obvious you both can not be there so one of you will have them, the other will have to make it up somehow and THAT is the part of this that stinks .. it also seems to be the part that the MLCr does not compute when they are all fog'd up.
