So, here is my story. My wife and I are both 33, married 7 years, together and living together for a total of 12. Two Ds 8, 4.
I found out beginning of May that my wife was having an affair with a coworker. It has been emotional since March and physical since April. She has said she has stopped having sex with him since I found out. I think I believe that, although she has admitted that she continues to kiss him ( she hasn't kissed me since I've found out).
They see each other at work everyday and there is nothing that can be done about that from me - and I know that. They still text all day and she has recently sent some sexy pics. She says that she doesn't want to end the affair - but she also says she sees no future with him. She wants to love me again, it just feels different now.
I have been as understanding and positive as I can be. I have been practicing the DR steps and work very hard to always "act as if".
She has said she loves me but is not in love with me. Though she also says she wants to be - and wants to feel the way she feels for the OM with me - she just doesn't right now, only feels like we're best friends.
Our relationship disconnected because we've been apart a lot - I work very long hours and we haven't spent much time together in the past few months which is different from how we had been for years. She got lonely, bored, and felt I wasn't feeling attracted and connected with her - in reality I was trying to get through this heavy work period for the family, but clearly I didn't make as big an effort to continue to do loving things as I should/could have. I worry about detaching too much and doing things apart because I feel that was a major contributor to where we are today. She wants to continue to do things with me for the most part - so I have been encouraging that.
She wants to leave her job (and has for a while). We are waiting to hear on a very possible job opportunity any day - but there is no guarantee the affair will end when she leaves - but I think the physical separation would certainly help greatly and perhaps knock her out of her A fog.
We started couples therapy beginning the week after I found out. She was resistant at first (she only admitted that two weeks ago) but is now accepting to go and thinks it can be helpful though she usually leaves feeling guilty for hurting me with honesty in our sessions. She insists she wants to work on our marriage but also admits that she doesn't feel like she's trying 100%. But really, how could she if she's still involved in the A? That is the wall affecting true reconciliation.
We have been doing date nights each weekend away from the kids D8 and D4. That has allowed us some very good connecting time. We do things together in the morning before work which is very nice for both of us - but it's hard to then leave her at work where I know she's right back in the midst of seeing and texting him.
Things seem to get better and then other times I feel her disconnection as we fall back a step or two. We have a two night weekend together for a wedding which we've both been looking for.
Part of one of my 180s is that I've dramatically reduced the number of times I come home late. I get home and much more reasonable times and we get to spend our evening together. Talking about all sorts of things including the A from time to time. We've really been enjoying our evening times. We talk about the future, including planning a trip for XMas. She usually brings up the future talk.
She had previously said she didn't talk with him when home (she gets home earlier than I do) - but I've discovered this past week she had 20, 30, 40 minutes conversations after getting home. Then texting and pics sometimes too. She is almost always the one to initiate the texting and phone calls.
I've given her understanding while she works out what she wants and she has thanked me for that. I'm holding on as best I can, but it is hard.
I'm holding out A LOT of hope that this new job comes through. She is ready to put in her two weeks if it does. She won't leave her job if she doesn't have this new one to go to. I'm afraid I will be devastated if the job falls through.
That being said, I'm trying to continue to act as if in all my interactions with her (some days more successfully than others). I've tried to give her understanding while she "figures things out". We've been doing things to continue to rekindle our relationship away from the kids. However, I think we are both on pause until this job decision comes through.
I feel like I should be more forceful with boundaries of calls/texts at home. But I also don't want to push her away with too much pressure. Do I swallow it wait and for another week or two as the job works itself out? If she gets out of her job, things could resolve (though not guaranteed). Do I insist on more strict boundaries now? I don't want to push the relationship underground and inspire more desire of the forbidden. Knowing she is cake eating is hard - but she does not respond well to anger, judgement, or pushing. She withdraws.
A homework assignment from our therapy had us (independently) listen and take notes for therapy discussion to a TED talk by Esther Perel - 'Esther Perel Rethinking Infidelity ... A Talk for Anyone Who Has Ever Loved'. It was interesting. We both acknowledge that our first marriage is over - we have the opportunity to create a second marriage together. Do we want to? She doesn't know yet.
I know I can't force the affair to end - and even if I could it wouldn't be genuine. She has to choose to end it - and if she can - I know we can heal, grow, and be stronger for it. It's the waiting that's killing me. I know it's a marathon, but I also feel like I've been on a full sprint since May.
I'm sure I'm doing some things wrong on my DR journey. But I do feel some aspects of my sitch is unique and is different from some of the other posts I've read. I would be curious to hear any feedback from the other senior members of this community. I'm sure there are important details I've omitted unintentionally.
I just so hope and pray this job comes through asap.
