hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Thanks Jelly, V, Cadet. Sure is great to get support here.

Jelly - I sure hope you get better soon. Thanks for looking in - I look forward to"talking" with you again.

V & Cadet - Have to be honest, I had to look up much of what you are talking about. You only know what you know - and this is nothing that I know about. I know how lot's of things work but the brain is definitely not one of them. I research things that I don't understand.

Fins = money - right?
autonomy = acting separately from others (I don't really understand what this has to do with shame)
Initiative = starting independently (I don't really understand what this has to do with guilt)


I understand the description of guilt and understand a little about where that comes from. I do not understand where my shame would come from - this is what happened when I spoke of this with my IC. I was describing my perception of what other people may think of my potential divorce without knowing the story. I feel like others may just feel that "yep, that u-turn is a hell of a guy, but that's not enough to keep W happy, so she bolted" Other people's perception is just a fear of mine.

Throughout this, I have had a hard time not comparing myself to OM. Most of the time I feel like this is the lowest type of person. but other times, I feel like - this guy knows how to get what he wants and W just wants this type of lowlife.

I still protect my W and that is something that will be hard for me to stop. I have been talking to some people about our situation, but have not talked too much about why.

Thanks for the resources - I have seen these, but I am going to watch again - I remember them to be very inspiring (Like V).

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I did some GAL this weekend. I went to my brother's annual cook-out with my kids (I asked my W not to go - this is a first for me - I just wanted to go and have fun). I feel a little guilty for doing this, but she angrily obliged. I had a good time. She was home when I got back home. Sleeping.

I talked to my brother a little - he was asking a lot of questions about W. Why she didn't come, why she hasn't returned his calls. I let him know there is trouble in paradise. He offered his support - I think I will be talking to him again soon. He recently re-fought his D with a new lawyer and things are much more balanced for him.

Father's day - I told W that I was making a big dinner for when S17 got off work. W offered to leave for the day so I could be alone with the kids. I told her she could stay if she wanted to. Her and D15 left for the day (kind of crappy that the kids were all gone), but they were home for dinner. FIL & MIL came over too. It was good, I guess. I felt ok that we were all there for this dinner but not pretending like everything is happy family. I still believe that the in-laws are clueless.

W is still angry at every move I make (without telling her). She found out that I had lunch with S21 and now is pissed about that - or the fact that I didn't tell her (but we don't really talk about anything and I didn't think it was necessary for her to know).

I feel like I need to push forward with my plans - don't want to loose momentum.

No need to reveal my hand - though is it decent of me to tell her when I am proceeding - or just let it happen to her?