Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

[CindySy]

Can someone please explain to me solution-oriented way, I have read & re-read the DB chapter on it but I'm having a hard time understanding it, I would like to focus on that with GAL

Thank you !!

I'm having a hardtime finding my post replies as well, I'm not sure how this online community post work HELP !!!


First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2575833#Post2575833

[Pyrite]

Hi CindySy - click your username next to your post and see ALL of your posts otherwise if they have gone missing in your browsser somewhere I can't help.

What exactly do you not understand? What is your desired solution? craft your strategy around that. Make any sense?

I'm not familiar at all with your sitch, have to read it.

take care.

-Py

[Matt777]

Cindy -

The way I understand it is that you try different approaches, try different actions to solving problems and see what things bring you closer to your goal. Then, you keep doing those things. The point is not necessarily to focus on WHY it's working but rather THAT it's working.

[CindySy]

I don't know why this is so confusing to me

[Matt777]

I don't know why this is so confusing to me

Let's pretend you had a fly in your house. You put down honey, you put down syrup, you put down fly paper, you let the cat chase it, and you try to catch it. You see it goes right at the honey. What are you going to do the next time you have a fly in the house? It doesn't matter WHY the fly chose to go for the honey, it just matters THAT it went for the honey. And now you can modify your behavior for the next time so you don't waste your time.

Make sense?

[Pyrite]

Ok - so I just lost my copy-paste in my browser But I was going to ask ---- you haven't answered the question yet from Patient Man and echoed by others - what went wrong in your M?

The point being that although this is a horrible time, it is also an opportunity, an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. It may not save your M, but it will save your life, or improve your life.

What are your H's complaints? Why does he need space? Is it just MLC? Or are there things which maybe you could improve? Maybe if you do, and show this consistently, he will think twice about D.

For e.g., in my case my W was unhappy in the M. A work "friend" (VISA hungry predator) seduced her. She was unhappy in the M because I was depressed. My depression was the result of suppressed resentment. Resentment for W. I didn't feel loved, wanted or desired, and subconsciously I was checking her every move for signs she was meeting my expectations which never (rarely) occurred.

Now, this may all have been valid. She may indeed not have genuinely loved,wanted desired me. The problem was that this started a feedback loop. She didn't meet my expectations. I got shirty and moped around. So of coarse, she was less inclined, or attracted to be with me. So my problem, which is the only problem that I can address is that I let it get to me.

After months of nothing but hard work on myself, I have come to the realisation that my core beliefs are screwed. I have a low self opinion and NEEDed the validation, most of all from my W, that I was worthy, desirable, loveable. This is not a healthy way to be.

My W is in love with OM and STBX. DB has helped me to forgive, and not hold anger in my heart for her. It doesn't seem likely, but if she ever wants to R, if we can ever be friends, if we can ever have a romantic relationship again, I am open to it. I am not going to rule it out and get through this by turning my heart against her an spitefully exclude any possibility of a R.

Everything that happened is on my head as well. I want to "fix" those things that "I" contributed to the failure of the M. I need to fix these things to be an attractive option for her, but more importantly so I can have a healthy future.

This could be all on your H's head, but just think about it. Report on what his grievances are. Why does he want space?

[asitis]

I don't know why this is so confusing to me

Hi Cindy,

Was on vacation & didn't come here the last 10 days or so. I'm sorry you are still struggling w/ this so much & about having to see your H holding hands w/ OW.

It is a very confusing time in our lives when everything we believed about the person we trusted so deeply gets turned upside down. It makes it hard to get oriented on more than just the relationship issues. Have you seen an IT? Have you considered going to a psychiatrist to discuss medication? As this confusion seems to be really impacting your ability to get oriented enough to effectively work on your sitch, they may be able to help give you some temporary relief to make things a bit more manageable until you are able to work through your issues and get to that point on your own?

I like Matt's analogy on goal setting, but I'd add that you also want to understand what your pattern has been in responding to your H so far. Since it hasn't been working, you need to think about what you've been doing so that you can try something new to zero in on the honey. This gets to the other question posed to you, at least in small part: What is wrong w/ your M?

We all develop strategies to protect ourselves, move away from pain, pursue pleasure, many of which we developed by the time we were 5 or 6. They brought short term relief, comfort, and soothing at that time, and we modified them according to the range of options that opened up to us as adults, but they are still the same basic patterns learned then. To use myself as an example, I would often use put downs couched in jokes as a tool to ward off and make myself feel better about myself. The jokes and put downs got more sophisticated and subtle as I got older, but the pattern was there from an early age.

In a sense, when push comes to shove, we are all still taking the advice of our five year-old selves as to how to deal with the situation. These often cause us problems in our Rs, and your H's complaints likely touch on these, even if there is an MLC going on. Being in a very painful state that we are at this horrible time in our lives gives us the motivation to take a look at these and work on changing them. When we are comfortable, we lack the motivation to change. When we are suffering, we have the motivation to do the hard work necessary. With the wisdom & insights of spending a lot of time and doing a lot of hard work reflecting on ourselves and our patterns, we can use that opportunity to make our lives and the lives of those close to us a lot happier. It may not fix your M, but you will come out a lot better, able to have healthier Rs in the future, and be happier.

So, besides focusing on GAL goals, now is a good time to focus on PatientMan's "scary" question. You'll get help and support along the way to make it easier. Again, consider IC if you aren't already doing this (we can't sit there for 50 minutes face to face, reading your body language, and most of us lack the training and years of experience a good IC has), & my suggestion of consulting a psychiatrist for some medical relief if the struggling seems to be really harming your ability to function in your life or deal with your sitch (the latter seems to be the case from your posts).

Hang in there. It will get easier and if you stick with it, you will at least gain some insights and new habits and activities that will bring some joy to compensate for the pain.

[Matt777]

Just to clarify, my analogy wasn't about setting goals. I was trying to describe my take on solution based thinking.

What I didn't mention was that you don't try EVERYTHING all at once...just think about what things might work and see what does. Then keep doing that.

[asitis]

Just to clarify, my analogy wasn't about setting goals. I was trying to describe my take on solution based thinking.

What I didn't mention was that you don't try EVERYTHING all at once...just think about what things might work and see what does. Then keep doing that.

Good point, and it will likely help to understand what approach you have been taking (which likely hasn't been working), as that eliminates one of the possibilities and will likely give you some clues as to which of the alternatives approaches might be most effective to try first. If you have been chasing around using a fly swatter (to stick with your analogy), or more likely chasing around with fly paper trying to get him to stick, then lay out some honey or maple syrup and wait for the fly to come to it rather than sicking the cat or anyone else on the f*ing fly.

Matt, I really am enjoying running with your analogy though, as it conjures all sorts of humorous 180s and other possibilities: piles of sh*t being the most obvious and appealing to my childish sense of humor.

[CindySy]

Matt777, that example is really starting to make sense....I have to apply that logic to my life situation, try something and if it works keep doing the same & if it doesn't change it.....I think I am getting it....

Thank you !!