I have got to find a way to get rid of my anger and resentment. If I do't, I am fearful that I will be consumed by it and be the bitter angry old lady who holds onto a dead past.
I know the typical suggestions - work out, take a karate class, pray, mediate, etc...
#1. Today I dropped off my D6 a a new summer camp. Of course she did not know anybody and it was a hard drop off. W was the one who signed her up for it. This is her week with the kids.
I texted when I arrived at her apt - "here" She replies you are early - I said 7:30. I said yes I know, but it's the first day and all so I will just wait out in the car until you are ready. D6 gets into the car and W and I do not say a word to one another. We can't even look each other in the eye. I should have had the melons to say Hi or good morning or something but just could not even do it.
I brough S9 book that he wanted and gave it to her and it was just so freaking akward, I gave it to her out of the car window, she almost dropped it, I pulled back on it, gave it back to her again. ARRGHHH. It's like we were fighting over the book. I felt like throwing the book at the ground, but didn't. W just laughed at me and I just looked at her. I drove away.
I dropped D6 off, but had to race to work. Sweaty and feeling ovewhelmed, angry and just out of control emotionally.
#2. I feel as if I have lost control of my life and the will to carry on. Nothing is right anynmore, everything is upside down. I am in a tornado.
I will try my breathing execises, medidate quietly until my presentation. B R E A T H E B R E A T HE B R E A T H E
I know it is wrong to feel this way and I have two kids that depend on me to be but I really really really am angry right now at her and at me for the messed up situation called our LIVES.
I can't communicate with her when I am angry as it will show and I don't want to do that. I don't want her to know how upset I am.
as painful as it is, I have accepted that my life as I knew it is over. I have accepted that my marriage is over. I don't know what my future holds only more and more pain (At least that is how it feels now). I have to figure out a way to redefine me.
I must find my way to get to a better place. I will talk to my IC about all of this in a couple of days.
