UGH .... I recall being just where you are .. that hatred .. Jekyll/Hyde show. I will tell you what seemed to help me. I am not so sure how long I was dealing with MLC, being a fixer I never wanted to rock the boat ... add in conflict avoider and well I would just face the storm, say I'm sorry until she finally found the right button and I would repay her spew with hurricane like fury of my own. When I started making the changes I needed ... she would still spew, for a bit I would just put on the spew jacket and take it ... and that was that. The changes started when I placed a boundary on this. Understanding this for what it was, she is in crisis, looking to test my changes .. searching for buttons ... knowing this and knowing its a matter of time before she probably would find a button, I would notice the spew start and I would calmly stop her. I would do this be simply ... cooly stating "I understand you are frustrated, however I will not be talked to this way, I would be open to discuss this later when we can do so calmly as adults" This put her on her heels, confused the heck out of her ... but it also showed her I respected myself, I was growing stronger, and even more I had controlled my own anger and was no longer going to play her game. The Anger issue as I have now discovered was a HUGE 180 for me and one of the things she had a major problem with, was one key reason for our separation.
As far as "show-Gate" ... Wonka is the master at email and text replys ... glad that she was able to be there ... I just wanted to add this perspective.
Your W is in a hurricane, any response she can get out of you is basically just attention. Its a temp check .... mine did the same, she would very thoughtfully figure out how to get a rise out of me under the guise of it dealing with our son. Throughout the crisis and the A my wife would often want that cake-eat family time ... get that fix and back to OM she would go. I am on the fence about this one, looking at my sitch I am not sure if not allowing this would have hurt the process or sped it along. This weekend I learned some very valuable things about what was going on with my MLC'r as her fog is lifting and she is sharing a ton.
Hang in there ... love her from a distance and allow her to go on her journey as you go on yours.
