All normal feelings Mike. At this stage those feelings hit you like a truck and can shut down your ability to function daily. This is why we stress the basics of DB'ing to make sure your health. Eat, sleep, GAL, exercise, etc. I understand how you feel right now, I was there. It gets easier with time to manage those feelings. You will be ok.
Having someone to talk things out is also helpful. Have you considered getting a counselor just for you? My IC helped me through those difficult times by giving me some perspective to the situation. He also offered suggestions of things I can do to manage my feelings. Hint: exercise was huge. It can be a release for anger later and early on it has anti-depressant effects similar to prescription drugs.
Your church (if you attend) likely has some type of program or person you can speak with also to help you through this time.
It gets better, you might not see it yet, but it does. If you want to cry just find a place to be alone and let it out, theirs nothing wrong with crying. I'm a sensitive person and my IC has seen me break down multiple times(which I hated), but alone I've cried more the last 6 months than I have my entire life. You don't need to force any feelings to come out, just let them out when they come in a healthy way (not around W or S).
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thanks Fogg, I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday through a program offered via my health insurance plan.
I just got a text from W asking me if there was a lawyer in town that I haven't called yet...apparently she's calling around to find one now. I responded and told her I only called two because I didn't want her to think I had called them all like I've heard of others doing. Just when I thought she 'was in no hurry to file' I get this text.
I'm looking forward to my appointment on Wednesday.
I have this weird feeling inside of me that I can't quite put a finger and I've never felt before. It's like I need to cry but cannot force myself to do so?
I'm in a fog most of the time and thoughts race through my head from one emotion of 'she'll get through this on her own and come back' to 'she left us and no longer wants a family you are on your own'.
I know I need to prepare for the worst and move on like I don't need her but where do you find the strength each day to face this? The only people that know are my family so far, everyone at work is expecting the same person but it is very hard to pretend.
The one thing that did happen over the weekend was her parents reached out to me via email and offered to talk without taking sides or any judgement. They live out of state and from the tone of their email they are wondering what is going on with their daughter (at least from my perspective). I answered them and said thank you for the offer and I will give them a call later this week.
I'm in agreement with Fogg. This is normal and it's cyclical. So you'll have some days better than others.
Think baby steps... You're not trying to make the full leap to detachment in one step. But a bunch of little ones. It happens over time.
Let the emotions process. Some find it beneficial to write to get them out.
The best advice I can give... you own your emotions long term. You can take control and help yourself into a better state. This doesn't define YOU. It's an experience. Its also ok for you to be kind to yourself.
Find people who you can express things with. An IC can be really helpful.
For your S, it's important that you validate his emotions as well. It's ok that he sees you having emotions with a healthy response, but you don't want him to have a picture in his head of you being overwhelmed as a blubbering mess either.
My S was verbally threatened by my STBXW. He had a lot of fear every time he was around her. So in addition to the normal divorce stuff, I had that to help with as well. You can do it.. you're a man... own your next steps regardless of how big... they're yours.
When you talk with her parents, don't be judgmental of her. You don't want to push them away. You know in the end, she's still their daughter and that's ok.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I know I need to prepare for the worst and move on like I don't need her but where do you find the strength each day to face this? The only people that know are my family so far, everyone at work is expecting the same person but it is very hard to pretend.
I won't try to tell you how you should feel, but I will tell you that the hardest things I have had to find strength, was sometimes an hour by hour journey. Loss, addiction, grief, healing.....anything that throws your life upside down is major pain and your mind, body, and spirit has to have time to adjust. Break down the time frame of finding strength. Think of just getting through this hour. Some hours are better than others. You work to get through it the best you can. If a hard cry will give release, then find a private place to cry. Maybe give yourself permission for so many minutes? If you need alone time, get off to yourself. Just don't become a hermit. You have to gradually become a part of the living again.
Depending on the job, it may be a good idea to inform your closest coworker, or boss, that you are dealing with personal problems. Not to discuss it with them, but so that they will understand if your work output is not 100%. If you work with your spouse.....then you may not be able to do that.
When you feel the burden of pretense (especially everywhere) it can get to be too heavy. I don't think it is a matter of pretending your life is roses. Those you work closest with may see that you aren't really yourself. You don't have to give details or even tell them anymore than that you are going through a difficult time and hope they will be patient while you get it together.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
just catching up with new threads. A lot of good advice here already. I see MrBond has chimed in. DO NOT dismiss him. he is .....blunt. maybe he doesn't like to type much, but what I could take a page to write - he will sum up in a sentence.
this is raw for you. very raw. we have all been there and experienced the next step and the next. Some, the vets, Cadet, MrBond, Job et al have more experience with this than you or I could imagine, so read and re-read their posts. Consider them and respond if you can. Cadet's earlier post
Originally Posted By: Cadet
NO you can not convince her of anything, stop trying to. She must come to these realizations on her own, detach and put the focus on YOURSELF not her!
That is what you need to do. That is all you need to do. And everything will work out. Whatever happens in the future.
Your sitch with R, baby, breakdown - it is so close to mine. My M went through a 2nd baby, more breakdown, resentment, unhappy M, EA, BD, PA, and now she is off, a lovesick teen. I am/was appalled at her priorities. (Relatively) ditching the children etc.
Still - she might come out of it, she might not, she might never want our M - NONE of these do I have any control over.
I agree with you that a friend, recently D'ed can be a huge influence. This was also in my sitch. My best man also had this happen to his fiancé. She snapped out of it thankfully. Your W has seen or been shown at least the grass on the other side of the fence. It looks greener than M, responsibility, life. She could turn around, on her terms and on her timeframe, but you can't control that.
I am impressed by how rationally, maturely you have handled this so far. I know you are but concentrate on your son. At two he doesn't realise that's isn't just the way life is, but he does know when Daddy is distracted, upset, etc. This is the way life is for now and the near future.
L-ing is essential to protect you and your boy. The earlier you get advice, real legal advice, the better. I just made it in time. Also, importantly it gave me self-respect that I am standing up for me and the kids. Get "whatever" formally documented if you can.
good luck -Py
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Something I'd strongly recommend is to tell your boss and HR department what you're going through. Your output won't be up to your previous standards. If they don't know your situation, they'll draw conclusions on your own.
In my case, I was given additional FLEX time to get some things done that needed to happen.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Thank you for the reply Sandi, I will consider letting my boss know what is going on when he returns from vacation next week.
As far as the crying is concerned I feel the need to let it out but for some reason I just can't seem to trigger it. I get those feelings in my stomach and the lump in my throat and then....nothing.
While I give an 'average' effort to the people I work with to appear happy and content, I give an excellent performance when I am around my S. I save those moments for when after he goes to bed and can be as sad or miserable as I want for a couple hours.
The crying will come Mike. As men we're usually scared as hell of our negative emotions so we've got decades of conditioning to not let them out.
I've cried just about everyday for the last six months - amazing. Now I can tell around 3pm by the tightness in my stomach that it's coming, and low and behold, at 8pm or so the flood works have started.
Once you break that seal and let it out and realize that as awful as it is, you're going to live through it, you'll most likely be apt to cry some more.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
As far as the crying is concerned I feel the need to let it out but for some reason I just can't seem to trigger it. I get those feelings in my stomach and the lump in my throat and then....nothing.
You can still let the emotions processes without crying. Think mediation. Focus on how it feels, where it's at, etc.
A good search term is "Letting your emotions flow" or "letting your emotions process"
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
