I had to reread your thread because I thought missed what you did wrong? So was that it? You caught him out lying about OW and couldn’t carry on polite friendly banter as advised, and let your emotions get the better of you? Tulo, you’re beating yourself up over nothing.
The guy cheated and lied and then got angry at you because you weren’t stupid enough to NOT catch on. So what if you did manage to hold it in, and carry on polite friendly banter. What would this have achieved? I’m not suggesting that you have actually achieved anything, I am just questioning what you hoped to achieve otherwise. So you don’t let him know that you know. For how long? What is the point of this pretense? To lead him towards R? Do you want to R with his man who was happy to deceive you? (I’ll come back to this) Would it come up in piecing your R back together? “Ha – talk about honesty, from now on, I know you lied about…..”. Did you plan on staying quiet forever when the two of you got old and gray?
My W still denies ever having an A. Although admitted 3 months after the S that she is in love and having sex with OM. And it was happening long before that. I think the WAS adopts a Hollywood view of an A as midnight rendezvous in some seedy motel for months on end. Sliding into bed in the early hours of the morning with S quietly, guiltily etc. Anything less than that and they view themselves as admirably faithful.
Also, I don’t think the WAS wants to deceive you. Having to tell a few white lies to protect your feelings is compassionate – in their eyes. When they get caught, they get caught on this as well. So the anger is as more about their own conflict than you. Oooooooh – so you were snooping. You evil thing. I can understand that in a R we might like to feel trusted and if our S is constantly snooping this is a problem. And this is how theses WAS’s seem to react. But you were cheating you s**t. Don’t talk to me about trust!
I think you handled the situation really well. So what did you do - you caught him out on a lie. He was the one out of control and angry, you brushed it off. You were still the bigger person. And even if you did get angry – that’s just normal and human.
As time passes and you do detach, setbacks will re-occur again and again. The only thing that will change is that they become less frequent and less severe. Not that I think this was even severe. Not exactly as detached as you want to be and how you wish you had acted, but it isn't a setback in any other way. You will also learn to forgive yourself more easily each time.
I’m sorry you’re here Tulo. I understand that you feel betrayed in so many ways. We are all here for you.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
