I'm going to take a deep breath. It's OK, just one of those kicks in the gut.
It's to be expected, as we move separately into new lives... but it is just part of the deal, for me, where it is just soo hard to imagine.
It's fresh, so it is on my mind. I'm hoping... not for long.
First, I had a great day. We went this evening and had dinner with my parents. It was good and we had a lot of fun. Came home and cleaning up and I got a call from my bil. This is the one who lives out of state and is very close with both xh and me.
We talked for a long time, no talk of xh... for quite a while. Then, it slipped out. Apparently xh went with hww and her son and the baby on vacation south and made a stop there for a night.
It just makes me sick.
I know... it's whatever. But I just can't even picture him AT ALL in this role! I mean, I have seen it several times with OUR family... but this, I don't know. You guys, it is ... I don't even know... I just can't...
This dude is so all over the place! Clearly he is committed and in this r. He is going all in. But, it wasn't THAT long ago...
Whatever.
BIL didn't say much, just that xh asked him if he has talked to me. BIL just told him he isn't getting involved... and left it at that.
He said he, his wife, and his wife's parents (they live next door to them and I always got along very well with them. They all actually came and stayed with us just before bd) aren't buying what hww is selling. Of course, they play the role, but... they get it, I suppose. SIL's parents commented, "Well, it isn't Mighty!" and felt really bad.
He also said they were talking about their other brother and was caught on the phone and it seemed like he was up to no good. Xh's comment was, "I hope he isn't messing around, because it isn't worth it."
BIL also said when xh left, he told his wife, "He is one broken man." He said that xh didn't say anything, but he knows he is so upset about the kids that it is taking everything he has to keep it together.
Well, whatever, xh. Keep on going on your wannabe family vacations.
The question I ask myself everyday, "Who does that to their family?"
But, I guess I have to answer myself, "A very broken person."
On a totally different note, I typed in the notes of my phone today a message I would have sent to xh. I do that sometimes. I type things in my notes, or write it down, but I never send. I know meaning will be lost in translation... I don't speak fluent alien. In fact, I don't know that the code has been broken, nor that one alien can even clearly communicate with another alien.
Anyway, my day of gratitude vs Father's Day Celebration, note to xh:
I have so many things to be grateful for.
I am grateful for my children. I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for all the wonderful things we did to our home. I am grateful that I am able to keep my children in my home. I am grateful that I am able to provide for them. I am grateful for my job. I am grateful for financial support.
Thank you for that.
***** So now, I sit here and think about him on his dumb vacation. I wonder what that is like to not be with your children on a family vacation. To not be able to even get something for your kids while on vacation (especially bc I know hww is such a shopper and prob shopping up a storm for her 2), and what it must be like to not even be able to tell your kids you are on vacation. It would be so upsetting to them. Yet, I suppose it would be my fault. And probably my fault why he cant tell them.
Why do I even care? I freaking hate him!
Terrible words... don't even like to say it. But I feel like it. Immature, I suppose.
I don't know, you guys. I just have this HUGE void! I am so tired of this same song and dance and feeling empty. I have so many good things, and I appreciate them so much, and enjoy them so much.
But, at the end of the day, when you feel like no one cares or is there for you, it can be tough. I know I have good people. It would be nice to be #1 sometime. That sounds so dumb and like a baby.
You know what? I guess I am just so surprised that he is still in this. I think I am just realizing this. I think that is a huge part of MY problem. And, I suppose that is me not letting go fully, in a way. I HAVE for the most part. There is just something still there... that damn trunk was opened again! WTF! Seriously... I think that's it, thought! I think some of his words still get to me. Stupid words! They have me so confused! I know they were not actions. I have to let it go, but I believe deep down, part of me thought... well, I don't know exactly. But I guess I just can't believe he is REALLY playing the role. Hey, you know what? Maybe it will be forever, so I need to stop now.
Whew! That was a good rant. I feel much better now. And, I feel really good knowing what PART of MY problem was. Funny how letting things out leads to other things...
