I emailed W that I would pick up the kids on Friday as we had plans for Saturday. My s9 called on the way back from a basketball game on speaker phone and told me all about it and hw great it was. He then asked what our plans were for Saturday. I was vague and said we would have lots of fun. He then asks can we go to XXXX a place he likes. I said I think we can work that in. He then asks "Can Momma tag along too?".
I was taken aback by it and just said we'll see but I think when you are with Momma you get do things with her and when you are with me you get to do things with me. It's better that way.
He said OK and we let it drop.
I have no idea where that came from.
Was that a temp check from her as to if we did have plans for Saturday? Was that his idea that Momma tag along? Did she mention she wanted tag along?
Oh well, best not to overthink it as is my tendancy.
Now she texts and asks if I want t to take our D6! to her fist day if her new summer school. She said our family friend was going to do it but she thought I should have "first dibbs".
It's funny when her sense of fairness and doing the right thing comes out ... Right???
Anyway I texted back light a breezy sure see you tomorrow.
Always something umexpected. I guess I am supposed to feel grateful she offered me this opportunity that was mine anyway. I guess she forgot that part.
Anyway any chance to see my D6 is a good thing and I will always jump at the opportunity to be with her even if it's for a little bit.
UGH .... I recall being just where you are .. that hatred .. Jekyll/Hyde show. I will tell you what seemed to help me. I am not so sure how long I was dealing with MLC, being a fixer I never wanted to rock the boat ... add in conflict avoider and well I would just face the storm, say I'm sorry until she finally found the right button and I would repay her spew with hurricane like fury of my own. When I started making the changes I needed ... she would still spew, for a bit I would just put on the spew jacket and take it ... and that was that. The changes started when I placed a boundary on this. Understanding this for what it was, she is in crisis, looking to test my changes .. searching for buttons ... knowing this and knowing its a matter of time before she probably would find a button, I would notice the spew start and I would calmly stop her. I would do this be simply ... cooly stating "I understand you are frustrated, however I will not be talked to this way, I would be open to discuss this later when we can do so calmly as adults" This put her on her heels, confused the heck out of her ... but it also showed her I respected myself, I was growing stronger, and even more I had controlled my own anger and was no longer going to play her game. The Anger issue as I have now discovered was a HUGE 180 for me and one of the things she had a major problem with, was one key reason for our separation.
As far as "show-Gate" ... Wonka is the master at email and text replys ... glad that she was able to be there ... I just wanted to add this perspective.
Your W is in a hurricane, any response she can get out of you is basically just attention. Its a temp check .... mine did the same, she would very thoughtfully figure out how to get a rise out of me under the guise of it dealing with our son. Throughout the crisis and the A my wife would often want that cake-eat family time ... get that fix and back to OM she would go. I am on the fence about this one, looking at my sitch I am not sure if not allowing this would have hurt the process or sped it along. This weekend I learned some very valuable things about what was going on with my MLC'r as her fog is lifting and she is sharing a ton.
Hang in there ... love her from a distance and allow her to go on her journey as you go on yours.
I have got to find a way to get rid of my anger and resentment. If I do't, I am fearful that I will be consumed by it and be the bitter angry old lady who holds onto a dead past.
I know the typical suggestions - work out, take a karate class, pray, mediate, etc...
#1. Today I dropped off my D6 a a new summer camp. Of course she did not know anybody and it was a hard drop off. W was the one who signed her up for it. This is her week with the kids.
I texted when I arrived at her apt - "here" She replies you are early - I said 7:30. I said yes I know, but it's the first day and all so I will just wait out in the car until you are ready. D6 gets into the car and W and I do not say a word to one another. We can't even look each other in the eye. I should have had the melons to say Hi or good morning or something but just could not even do it.
I brough S9 book that he wanted and gave it to her and it was just so freaking akward, I gave it to her out of the car window, she almost dropped it, I pulled back on it, gave it back to her again. ARRGHHH. It's like we were fighting over the book. I felt like throwing the book at the ground, but didn't. W just laughed at me and I just looked at her. I drove away.
I dropped D6 off, but had to race to work. Sweaty and feeling ovewhelmed, angry and just out of control emotionally.
#2. I feel as if I have lost control of my life and the will to carry on. Nothing is right anynmore, everything is upside down. I am in a tornado.
I will try my breathing execises, medidate quietly until my presentation. B R E A T H E B R E A T HE B R E A T H E
I know it is wrong to feel this way and I have two kids that depend on me to be but I really really really am angry right now at her and at me for the messed up situation called our LIVES.
I can't communicate with her when I am angry as it will show and I don't want to do that. I don't want her to know how upset I am.
as painful as it is, I have accepted that my life as I knew it is over. I have accepted that my marriage is over. I don't know what my future holds only more and more pain (At least that is how it feels now). I have to figure out a way to redefine me.
I must find my way to get to a better place. I will talk to my IC about all of this in a couple of days.
I am sorry but I just can't do the cake eat family festival with her now. Maybe one day but not now. I feel that makes me a less evolved and lesser than but I just can't do it. It is too emotionally painful.
Being around my W right now is just so painful and always ends badly. We have tried it a few times and it just does not work. My W will snipe at me, throw jabs at me, I won't talk to her and down it goes. I don't want the kids to see that. Why is she so freaking ANGRY? She got what she wanted. She got the AP and the life she wanted. Its like she is ANGRY that I exist. I am the source of all of her problems and have been for years.
Like you, I did everything I could to no rock the boat, conflict avoider, passive agressive, I just took her anger for years until I would finally explode. Then we would have a massive argument with her always saying - this is it - I am leaving. When she said that I would calm down and back off.
My W is oblivious to the damage she has caused to all of us and wants to just carry on. Still no empathy or expression of sorrow (except when she wanted me to drop my L).
I honestly don't know if I will make it to the other side of this. Its almost at the the 1 year mark (rounding up) and I have read that it takes about 2 years to feel normal again.
Normal... I do't know if I will ever feel normal. Maybe not, maybe the answer is just to live with this - kind of like a cancer that is walled off. You can still live with cancer (certain types) but it can be walled off so you can still live your life.
You are looking at Mr Angry ... well .. thats who I WAS anyways. And yeah you have to get a grip on it as it is one of those controling emotions that when you let the rage take over you feel like a passenger and the operator of a bulldozer at the same time .. knowing you could unleash the fury and level everything ... but knowing you have to hold back as the destruction would eliminate who you really want to be. I get it .. I do.
I can not tell you one specific thing I did to get it under wraps ... but most revolved around my faith honestly. The morning walks I use to talk with God, ask for Wisdom above all things, this allows me to see what is going on more clearly and avoid/side step my buttons being pushed .. because the MLCr LIVES to push those buttons, its how they keep us on the line.
Heavy .. understand this for what it is, refuse to ride the tornado, allow yourself permission to hop off the carousel and let her ride it till she wants to get off ... calmly and self assured tell yourself this is not who you are, her crisis will not define you ... is it fair, no ... but its your choice as to how much this will eat at your integrity.
You have this ... let her run around blindly .. you can rise above it and look at this from an entirely new perspective once you cut those ropes that have you attached to closely to her.
About the Family thing .. I called it fake family time and like you I could not do it either ... not till I got to a place I could care less if she was there or not. Sometimes I would do it ... others .. no thanks or I would not invite .. I did not have to have her there to enjoy things. Its ok either way its about what YOU can and can not do.
I am glad you understand the anger thing. I read about men who got divorced and bulldozed the house, cut everything in half, etc... those are funny fantasies... but I don't entertain them becuase it would make everything so much worse.
Control.
At day care, they asked about D6's age and wanted proof of it. I said I would let her other Mother know about it and left it at that. My D6 was upset and it was all because W sent her to this other camp alone (without her brother) without her knowing another single kid in the camp.
I had to email W and tell her about the age proof thing and left it at that. I could have emailed her a copy of her birth certififcate, but will let her figure it out. I am no longer Ms. Fix It.
She is not running around. I am the one doing that.
She is very purposefully planning her moves, divorcing me, moved out, bought a new car, has her new lover, is living her new dream life.
I am left with the house payment, the dog, getting divorced, dealing with a financial issues (taxes, insurance, etc...) having to hire a L, got an IC, joined the support group, etc...
Seriously, who is doing the running around here? Who actually is in crisis - her or me? It sure sounds like me not her! It still feels like I am reacting to her BS even though I have stopped any pursuit and we no longer communicate except through email and/or texts.
It's hard to see things as they are now for me as I am either in denial and she is moving so fast that my head spins. Her new thing is to laugh at me. I really don't like that but I have added it to the list of things I am ignoring.
Heavy ... I assure you .. its not you in crisis but this thing does make one stop and ask that question. I could easily argue it was me in MLC, I would go Monster, bought new clothes, IC, a Harley, lost weight .. worried about my looks ... heck I might have to really think this all over again. But no ... we are doing what we can to continue to live, our journey has similarities on the surface but deep down they are in a serious fog and do not think clearly.
I question the fact I stood ... was it becasue I was weak? Because as a child I witnessed my mom cheat and my father stood through that, maybe because I was afraid of living without her?
No ... I stood because even before BD, even before she left, before I found this forum and discovered whawt MLC was ... I knew deep down the woman I loved and married was not right, was a sickness I could not see and I knew it deep down. So I stood to see her through it .. even if that resulted in D and she was happy with another person. I made peace with that and let her go ... as I thought and deep down hoped .. she was in crisis and had to go through these stages on her own. I am lucky as it appears she is working out ot them. I am also lucky that all the pain, hurt, and destruction caused is now on the table and its obvious for me it was for a reason .... I would not have changed without her MLC crisis ... nor would she. Regardless if we remain married ... I feel we both will be better people after this hurricane passes and will rebuild.
Trust the process, use the time for YOU ... I wish I would have done a better job at this right now. Its hard I know but it all makes sense to me now.
The laughing thing ... its an attempt at searching for a new button. Stay ahead of her.
