It's that not knowing what to do feeling that just eats away at you. On afternoons or nights when I don't have any GAL ideas, I get so bored and find I have nothing to do but think and worry.
So, is there something you can do? Are there classes at your local craft store? A meetup group you can join? A new book you can read by the pool? Heck, even just treating mysrlf to a lunch outside helps.
Hey Matt. I am going to meet my mom at a wine bar this afternoon for a few hours. I might go read by the pool for a while, yeah.
It's the bigger picture stuff that's getting to me now. Meaning, purpose, love, connection... I mean, nothing is ever perfect. But if you had asked me in March whether I had all those things? I would have said yes. Today... I'm just at a loss.
Thanks as always for the encouragement.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
It's the bigger picture stuff that's getting to me now. Meaning, purpose, love, connection... I mean, nothing is ever perfect. But if you had asked me in March whether I had all those things? I would have said yes. Today... I'm just at a loss.
I get this. I'm about as non-religious as the come - so I'm not sure I have the same level of faith in a higher calling or purpose or whatever.
What I do believe this that I have a choice to make my own path. My meaning, my purpose, my love, my connection....there is so much out there for me...for you...we have our kids, our parents, our friends. If that isn't good enough for our wives, that's on them - they don't deserve the things that we have. By doing this, I'm able to recognize that if my W doesn't want what I have to offer her, I'm CERTAIN I can did someone that does. But because of my feelings for her and the sense of devotion to her family, I am going to hope and fight for us until I decide that I don't want that life with her anymore.
I can't win for losing... I went out to the community pool to read, and she showed up! She was supposed to have a listing appointment today at noon, but they canceled. So now she doesn't have anything till 3 or so...
Anyway, she was swimming, I was reading, she was sunbathing, I was reading... at once point she comes over to sit in the chair next to me under the umbrella. "So, can we have a meeting tomorrow to discuss things?"
Okay, I told myself... keep your cool.
"Things like what?"
"Like getting the boys moved out this week, renting a U-Haul..."
"I don't think this warrants a meeting. These are just things we need to do."
She nodded. And then she said, "I want to talk about our plans."
I said, "WE have plans?"
"You know what I mean. I need to figure out what I'm taking to my new place."
"Up to you, but I've seen the neighborhood, and it's sketchy. I'd be careful not to bring too many valuables."
After this, she went into a speech about not thinking she'd be in this place, not making any money - somehow, again, began twisting this into being my fault. My fault for "selling" her on the idea of becoming a realtor, my fault for not making a profit with my startup, my fault for helping with the business instead of getting a job. "You have this relaxed attitude, never worrying, because you figured I would take care of everything."
I guess perspective is key... I saw myself as the steady rock (and now the lighthouse) to keep us both from drowning in a sea of anxiety. But anyway...
I had to stop her. I said, "Look at me please... I really resent the implication that I've just sat on my ass the past few years and you've done EVERYTHING. Your anger is unrelenting, but in a way, so is mine. I'm starting to realize that financial success is a prerequisite for your "love." Failure is not an option. And if you can't love someone when she fails, then you don't know what love is. What a fool I was!"
And I stood up and came home.
She followed not five minutes later, but we've not said a word. I know I didn't drink enough STFU smoothie this morning, but I have to say it felt good to say that to her. Even though she doesn't agree. Even though it didn't sink in. Even though it didn't help things one bit.
Ack. Off to take a shower and start getting ready to head a little ways out of town to meet my mom, to whom I can say anything I want.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Thanks Wonka! Always good to get affirmation from you.
Of course, after I posted that, she came out to where I was sitting and said, "I do know what love is. My love for you was pure. I'm sorry I don't feel that way anymore. It just got to be too much."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes and reiterate that love isn't a feeling, it's something you do, it's a commitment you honor. We ended up raising our voices - hers about, again, my not getting a job - mine about her not ever talking to me about anything, as if I'm a mind reader.
"Really? All I had to do was quit working on our business and get a job, and you wouldn't have left me???"
"Yes."
Before she left, I said I hated all this fighting, and we need to stop. She kind of melted, hugged me, said she hated it too. I said I hated it more, because I really love her, took my vows seriously, and would love her all my life. She said, "Don't be so self-sacrificial about it."
All I could say was, "But love IS self-sacrificial, don't you get it?"
She got in the car. She doesn't.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I couldn't help but roll my eyes and reiterate that love isn't a feeling, it's something you do, it's a commitment you honor. We ended up raising our voices - hers about, again, my not getting a job - mine about her not ever talking to me about anything, as if I'm a mind reader.
"Really? All I had to do was quit working on our business and get a job, and you wouldn't have left me???"
"Yes."
Don't fall for this BS ^^. If you had done this very same exact thing, W would have told you a different reason for leaving you. Don't pay attention to this utter nonsense.
I know, Wonka. You're right. Believe none of what she says.
The only thing I might believe? Is that she is truly and irrevocably done with me. And if she stays the woman she is now, I wouldn't want it any other way.
Doesn't mean I don't miss the woman she was with an unrelenting ache.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I've been down that road trying to explain to W what love is, its best to just ignore those talks altogether. You cant teach someone what love is, they just need to figure it out on their own.
Besides, whiles shes in that A logic wont work with her anyway, especially if its anything that goes against the A.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
