Permit me to jump in here if you would, I think we're in the same mindset. In hindsight it's clear to see where we made mistakes in our M, it's almost like we were in a fog of our own (not the same A fog talked about here). I never even considered that my M would come to an end, nor that that was a possibility. Not believing it was a possibility left lots of room to overlook how our W's were feeling and what their experience was, in addition to not addressing the things that made us act out of alignment with our highest values or needs.
You may not be a spiritual man, but it sounds like you've had a spiritual awakening. I have. I have not found God, or any external entity, only my own desire to live in a way very differently than I did in my M. God willing...for lack of a better term, that will be with my W. If not though, the work doesn't stop. The aggressive self improvement, the obsession with staying in the present moment, and the emotional intelligence that's developed from having your world ripped out from under you can only be described as a spiritual awakening in my book.
In order to become someone that you weren't in the past, an entirely new view of life needs to be adopted. It sounds like you are doing just that.
Keep on the path my friend, you're right about having 40 years to unlearn, or 40 years to build upon.
PP
Hey PigPen. I'm sorry, but I have to picture you with a little cloud of dirt swirling around you at all times.
You are right about the awakening. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn't hit my knees on a couple of occasions to appeal to God to take this cup from me. Perhaps he will. But he won't change her free will, and he won't likely send me an angel. The only thing God can do is grant me the strength to endure what must be endured, and to change what must be changed.
After a lot of reading, reflection, and some therapy sessions, what I have seen in myself, I am ashamed of. The sneaky manipulating guy that sometimes gets what he needs by controlling others in a variety of ways. That is OVER. It HAS to be. How can I continue and have any self respect? What effect would that dynamic have on my marriage if it continues? If it doesn't, what will it do to my next relationship? How would it impact my children? IT MUST STOP.
I say all this as much for my own benefit as anyone else's. It's easier said than done. I knew what was needed 2 weeks ago, and I failed. I knew a week ago, and I failed. I knew on Friday, and I failed again. I am just about out of chances. I MUST SUCCEED!!!
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
