2 Post - learning too slowly

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When I asked if you had expressed to her your regret of the exposure, I did not mean that you should. However, i assume you had already told her at that pont in your thread. I wish that you hadn't, but what's done is done. It just places you in a weakened position. That was why I wanted you to find Starsky.

Your position needs to be from a place of strength. Remember, she has lost respect for you. All the sit-down discussions in the world will not fix this MR as long as she has resentment, disrespect, and rebellion in her heart. The approach you used in the past will not work now. The only thing that will turn this M around will be if YOU change the dynamics in the relationship. That is what you need to focus on.

Broke another rule and discussed it with her. Says she is lonely while we work it out and wants someone to talk to. I feel no better.

Oh please! Listen to how flimsy this sounds. She is saying she should have a hall pass, and wants you to compromise the integrity of the M..........b/c she's lonely while working it out? She is not working anything out! She is cheating, plain and simple, and she doesn't want to stop.

You cannot "reason" with her. In the past, maybe the two of you could talk things out and that would help in fixing the problem. It does not work with a wayward! She is not the gal you M. She has changed and if you continue doing what doesn't work, then your M is doomed. You have to change the dynamics in the relationship. So far, you have watched her. That doesn't change anything.

How do you know when they are done? Is it when you see real remorse and openness about all these things?

I don't remember a case where it was one inclusive action. There were cases when the WW pretended, but was not authentic about her feelings and actually continued the deception.

The progress is comparable to drug addiction. It may take more than one attempt before she finally is serious enough to stick it out. It is complex, b/c depression is intertwined and may linger after the withdrawal. The feeling of emptiness is not something she wants to welcome back. From reports, many WW's are terrified their attraction for the LBH will not return and they will be stuck in a loveless M.

This is not a quick process. It is not easy for either person in the M. The progress is slower than you ever believed and some couples do not make it through the piecing. I am not trying to pull you down, but you are not being realistic ..........b/c you don't understand or accept fully how much she has changed, and the time will take for her to work out her own issues (providing that she wants to do so).

I did re-read it. Thanks. I just wish I had some positive sign but so far I have been drawing her in with DB (or she is manipulating me) and then pushing her away when I backslide. It is having a negative net effect. I must truly detach and that has been very difficult for me.

You may have re-read it, but when you ask questions that were covered, then I wonder if your brain is not quiet enough for you to see it. Understandable, and you certainly are not the only one.

If she decides to stop the online stuff (and all other inappropriate activity), she will be willing to commit to a transparency plan. That is where she gives accountability. She won't be secretive with her phone or computer, and you will be free to look at it whenever you choose. If she protests, gets defensive, throws excuses of privacy, etc., then she's not authentic and is only pretending. The lies should stop as well as excuses to go 45 min away to get a sandwich, etc., ( BTW, I think you are deceiving yourself about that one.). The remorse may not come immediately, or it may comes in stages. The biggest sign is her attitude. That will always give away the WW if she's not being real. I don't mean that she will be all lovey dovie, or have her moments of irritation. I am talking about anger, self-centerness, cold/distant, disrespectful, resentful, unwilling to cooperate or work at the MR, etc.

In short, stop looking for positive signs, right now. Newcomer LBH'S want to see signs that will give them hope. Here's the thing, she is still involved in the online stuff, and you cannot believe what she tells you. You cannot trust her. You cannot confide your feelings or actions in her. You have to make your decisions based on your own core values, and the new information learned here. If you are a spiritual/religious person, then place your hope in those beliefs, but don't depend or base hope on some sign from her.

Please start spending some quiet time away from her and the house. You have to find balance within yourself. Stop trying different methods and then defeating yourself when you don't see what you want immediately.

Ask yourself what you really want. What are your deal breakers? (One of Starsky's questions). Don't make your focus all about getting the girl back.

Sandi,

Thanks for putting so much thought and effort into this. I am ready to let her go. I have no other choice. I have to let go of my marriage. I don't know why this is so hard? We were both checked out for so long. BOTH of us. I was 50% of the problem. Then I discover this cheating and BAM suddenly I want my wife and I want to be Don Juan and have a 2nd honeymoon and a white picket fence and grow old together.

It's crazy! Why would I ignore her for so long and then fight so hard to save the M? I liken the cheating revelation to a lightning bolt that shocked me awake. I know I want my wife and my family.

I realize now that I've already lost it. Clinging to it won't help. She has mentally left. When she crossed that threshold I lost her. Can I get it back? Maybe. But not as a devious whining police officer trying to "Hold her accountable" I will do it from a renewed position of strength. A new MAN who acts based on his own convictions and does not ask her permission.

I have 40 years of the other guy to unlearn. It's going to be a hard road. In the end if our marriage is lost, at least my next relationship will start on better footing.

I am not a spiritual man. I wish I were. I need everything and everyone in my corner that I can get!!!