Abuse

[Vanilla]

Conscience, 12 step and what we do when we wrong another

The process when we wrong another is:
1. We commit or say a wrong- accidentally or deliberately
2. We feel guilty for a deliberate wrong and acknowledge an accidental wrong
3. We take responsibility and accept that a wrong needs correcting
4. We apologise or atone

Where correcting the wrong would cause more damage we stay silent and make amends to the universe in other ways.

For example we accidentally drop a vase, we apologise and offer to replace. We steal our granddaughters chocolate egg, we own up and replace it. 

The process of the abuser, addict or compulsive (collectively Abusers)

With abusers and those who are dysfunctional they donot have the guilt phase so this is:

1. They do or say something wrong
2. There is no guilt, so they justify their action
3. Thus there is no responsibility so they blame others, the wrong doesn't need righting
4. There is no atonement or proper apology
5. There is then a repeat of the wrong
6. The abuser loses even more respect for the target

The response is:
at step 2 enforce the boundary and then have a two day rule to see if there is atonement or proper apology

at step 5 is for the target to say " I am not being wronged anymore" and enforce the stated boundary then silence for 5 days etc

The one without guilt or responsibility will say, the vase was on a slippery table, your 2 year old pulled the cloth or other such responses. The chocolate egg melted, was eaten by mice or accidentally fell, all the time licking their lips.

How to respond

If there is physical abuse, financial abuse (theft), damage of property, it's time to enforce boundaries and take action. Record abuse and protect yourself, allow natural consequences to evolve.

This sort of behaviour is uncivil at best and criminal at worst. Of course countering and self survival will anger the abuser, they have been thwarted. Treating the abuser as well as you can without harming yourself, take time, do not disclose your hand. Make it hard for the abuser to continue, an abuser has no respect for the target, return the favour.

One cannot love or talk an abuser into respecting you as a target. Your best defence is self respect and this may mean therapy, enforcing boundaries and healing childhood hurts. Being open about the abuse and being clear, writing this as life story is essential to the recovery of the target.

Lose the label of a victim, target, or doormat and heal.

Get the abuser or invalidator from your life as a target, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Whatever you do the abuser is a miserable, unhappy and selfish person who no matter what you do will stay that way. They need help to recover and without it will cycle and keep doing harm to those around them. It really doesn't matter why or how the abuser arrived at this point, without help they can't recover and the target cannot give them this help. Of course situational abusers and reaction Abusers have normally suspended the guilt cycle because of addiction and they can recover. Systemic Abusers rarely recover, even with substantial help.

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The most logical reasons why

There are a number of traits of Abusers:
1. Ego (this replaces true self esteem)
2. Arrogance and conceit (lack of confidence replaced by bravado)
3. Entitlement (replaces skills and accomplishment)
4. No conscience or a temporary suspension (guilt as an emotion is suppressed)
5. Irresponsibility (the ability to blame others)

The demeanour and attitude of the targets response
Always be truthful, do not deny affairs, abuse or invalidation. Make it uncomfortable for the abuser as the abuse will not stop. When you enforce your boundaries and react in response then the abuser will escalate the abuse (this is referred to as extinction burst) as an attempt to assert. Ironically the boundary enforcement is a challenge to the abuser and they will wrong more. Enforce further and make the consequences further. Go silent and as long as boundaries are healthy then this is absolutely the correct response. The abuser abuses because it works.

Be free of being a target, ask yourself why am I a target. Be free to determine your own future. Detach and do not take the emotional load. The abuser is not reasonable, separate their opinion from your self esteem. Get mastery over yourself, silence is often the best tactic, keep everything intellectual and dismiss the opinion. Know that the abuser is projecting their faults onto the target. Like sending a poison arrow to you.

When the target is wronged for something they didn't say or do then it says more about them than you. Their negative characteristics are transferred to you and it may go further in that you have the opposite traits, if they say you are selfish, it's themselves they refer to and in fact you are generous and kind. Be generous and kind, be silent and keep the incendiary responses to zero. In fact validate but hold the boundary as in "I understand why you feel that way but I do not agree". No good deed goes unpunished with these Abusers.

Detach and use effective silence.

V