Thanks Job. I know it's only been 5 months I was just curious or how possible it was to ever find your way back after so much times passes.
I think I got a little hope the other day when he text to see if I wanted to go for a motorcycle ride and then yesterday's events was a cold slap in the face.
So father's day he text to see what we were up to and we decided to go fishing and I asked if he wanted to stay for dinner and he said yes. I will update later.
I have decided to treat him as a friend that will keep things in prosecute for me.
So Father's Day was ok for me and H but H and S did not get along. It was sad and I think I saw some things that I haven't seen because H and I have been married for 20 years and since we have been separated now for 5 months and we actually spent most of the day together yesterday and I saw things that I don't like and now I am questioning if this is the H that I can live with now.
I saw that he is a bully, angry and demanding. He and S10 got in fight and S told him to go home. H jumped up yelled fine I don't have to put up with this [censored] and off he went. Its his way or no way. The scary part is I think he has been this way for sometime especially after we had S. It is almost like S is in his way at times. I know he loves S but it is like he is competing with S or something I am not even sure.
H was very boastful and his concessions or meeting me halfway are gong and he said he didn't say no enough. Ok but isn't M meeting halfway I didn't say anything and didn't let myself get drawn in too much into R talk. It seemed like it was more he wanted just wanted to put me down like he said my riding motorcycle with him was suspect, and sex I haven't made any moves (he said previously the thought of kissing me was awful geez I am suppose to make moves still?, please). That I am bitter, (never have been but kept mouth shut)etc...
Boundaries. I'm a guy, so I should be rooting for the home team I guess, but your H doesn't deserve any affection the way he is acting. It is your body, and it is for you to decide when to either agree to or initiate sex. Obviously, we are only getting your side of the story, but he doesn't sound very attractive right now. The question is whether you tell him why or just say sorry you feel that way, but you have to respect that I not feel at all inclined to have sex with you given the current situation.
The problem with any response is that he sounds awfully entitled, as if marriage, no matter how badly he is behaving, obliges you to not only provide sex but to make him feel sexually attractive by initiating. So, I see an argument if you respond. I hope other's can chime in on how to set your boundaries clearly while avoiding being drawn into an argument that will do neither of you any good.
You don't have to tolerate being put down or treated poorly either. If he can't talk to you without putting you down, calmly tell him that it is unacceptable and that you will walk away unless he can talk to you respectfully and without put downs. The only way to stand up to a bully (your label) is to stand up to them. He may bluster and do what he did to your S, but if you stick to your guns he will realize that you will no longer implicitly give him permission to treat you this way (which is how he unconsciously is reading you) and that you are worth a lot more than he has been crediting you with.
Just my 2 cents, but MLC doesn't mean you have to put up with bad behavior when it comes to you or your S.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I appreciate it and you are right. I think a big part of MLC is self entitlement.
He also said he hasn't spent, been or done anything while we have been separated. I had to shut my mouth.
He has bought a Harley, a new bed for his place, been to bike nights, bought expensive cigars and been on two vacations etc. I shake my head and mind my own business.
During MLC, crisis people can become very resentful and jealous of their children. Why? Because they have traveled back to the time whereby they were stunted emotionally. In many cases, they will select one child to "pal" around with. This child will be the one that doesn't question and/or challenge them in any way. They adore their parent, i.e., their parent can do no wrong.
What I have taken from your posting is that your son is old enough to stand on his own two feet and defend himself towards his father. Your h doesn't like it because it reminds him that he has to be a parent and he's being called on his behavior, etc.
Yes, they do become very, very selfish and entitlement becomes their middle name. So, he's purchased and/or purchasing all of the adult toys these days. It won't be enough to satisfy that empty void in the pit of his soul. He'll love the toys for a bit and then when the newness wears off, on to something different.
As for the way he speaks to you, i.e., putting you down, etc., don't put up w/it! If you don't like the tone or how he's speaking to you, advise him that you will be more than happy to have a discussion w/him when he settles down and can speak to you in a more respectful tone.
MLC is not a ticket for them to use for their bad behavior and no one should have to put up w/the verbal, physical or emotional abuse. You can change that by calling them down on that behavior and then walking away. Do not engage in heated discussions and/or defending yourself...just shut him down w/advising him that you will be happy to have conversations w/him when he can speak to you in a more respectful and calmer tone.
His problem? He's acting like a two year old having a temper tantrum and he wants what he wants when he wants it. Guess what? The world doesn't revolve around him and he will learn that as he travels the yellow brick road on the way to the land of OZ.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job: That is very interesting about the children thing. It makes sense too. My S10 does call him out and won't let his dad bullying him and they buttheads unless he does exactly what he is told.
I also wonder if this is why the MLC'er finds a "new OW" to be with because the OW will feed their ego and tell them how wonderful they are and me or the LBS does not.
Good way to put it "2 year old" He also ask me to do things with him and then finds a way out like "it might rain" or "it will be too cold" or "not enough money". So I just have been taking it with a grain of salt. I don't know why he even bothers to ask. It makes me feel like if something else comes up that he wants to do then he makes an excuse.
To add to Job's point, I am going to post a great gem by CaliGuy here from today in another thread:
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
The changes started when I placed a boundary on this. Understanding this for what it was, she is in crisis, looking to test my changes .. searching for buttons ... knowing this and knowing its a matter of time before she probably would find a button, I would notice the spew start and I would calmly stop her. I would do this be simply ... cooly stating "I understand you are frustrated, however I will not be talked to this way, I would be open to discuss this later when we can do so calmly as adults" This put her on her heels, confused the heck out of her ... but it also showed her I respected myself, I was growing stronger, and even more I had controlled my own anger and was no longer going to play her game.
Wonka yeah I like it. H said we would do something tonight since S is gone camping. I haven't heard from him and I would have normally texted him. Not going to this time.
