Rebuilding my castle...foundation is halfway...

[Mighty]

Hey Heather. So sorry you've been so blue. All the stress, sole-responsibility, and not feeling settled nor supported in your new place much take such a toll.

But, slowly, you are getting there. And it takes time. AJ posted something to Cali recently, like enjoying the ride getting to the destination. Something to be said about the time... the space between... you know. That's where all the meat and potatoes are. It is the most challenging time, but, why can't we enjoy it? That's where real appreciation comes from. And I know you get it. You see the things, that often others over look, and appreciate them. Value them. Your time will come, my dear.

Weird that you feel sympathy pain? Nope. I have felt a lot of that. I think, for the first time, I have been able to temper it down. It makes things easier for me.

I totally get it, though. It is sad stuff.

Keep moving, Heather. Keep your head up, girl! You are an amazing woman.

[Lifes Twists]

I would say do what you are comfortable with. Given he did send you one on mothers day I would consider a simple reciprocal. A simple Happy fathers day with no happy face or anything. I went over two years until this morning without her recognizing anything. It was nice to see a simple Happy fathers day from her. You just have to decide how you want the interaction to go now and for the future and set the example.

[LoisB]

Just want to update:

I had a good week. Weird? Yes, weird, but good. D12 and I went to Buffalo to see a singing artist D12 loves. This singer is all about strong women and embracing your girl power and has been quite the inspiration to D12. We didn't get to see the singer, but met her best friend which was pretty cool. The best friend took D12's twitter address.

Also, did some sightseeing in Oswego and along Lake Ontario.

I had another short counseling session with another author of a book on ADHD. The price was right and she was really affirming and helpful. Not sure she is right for the long term because the sessions are so short. It's been awesome to connect with authors of successful published books.

Still moving forward on my quest to find a counselor/support system who can help me push through some blockages I have. I want it to be a traveling support/coach/counselor because of my uncertainty about staying here. Also, I need someone who can help me with the perfectionism and anxiety. That's key. Seems to be the underlying stumbling block and the main reason I left Ohio. To free myself from some very rigid ideas of who I am.

We discussed my family some and the shame I feel about all the years of borrowing money/taking money to pay for the atty.

I've been exploring where all the anxiety started.

We also discussed how my employers have been sorta jerks which, in turn, mimics what I'm used to with my family/marriage. I'm in a situation, again, where I feel this tremendous anxiety at "being found out" for being this fraud who can't handle life. Then, I fight the daily anxiety of trying so hard for folks who really don't get me. It's a vicious circle.

Perfectionism + anxiety + not feeling "good enough" + fear of being judged again for not measuring up >>>>> keeps me from working/dealing with things I need to handle >>>>> avoidance >>>> fear of being judged/hurt again >>>> avoidance of possible support/people who could help >>>> isolation failure >>>> shame = Whole cycle starts over again.

Trusting my instincts and trusting God are not something that comes easily for me. I'm accustomed to always being in the wrong, which feeds the cycle. It's taken years to reach this point of self-discovery.

She validated my instincts to keep my Ohio "support system" at bay for now, while I continue to slowly create a new support system which fits my new life... or my authentic life, depending upon how you look at it. We discussed handling the shame over the money owed in a safe way which will continue to give me the separation I need right now to carve out my place in this world, without their interference and heavy opinion. This means continuing on my quest to imperfectly handle my financial situation imperfectly, learning as I go.

I have an appointment with another one next week who, again, specializes in folks with ADD/Asperger's.

Actually received some compliments from higher ups at work. It was acknowledged I don't hear the "good" stuff enough. They have accommodated my request for reasonable office hours since I didn't sign on to be a receptionist. I only have to keep the office open to the public from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.

I think it shows I'm pushing through the issues God wants me to push through. I'm facing the demons and being honest. I need to keep focused on my value.

I didn't get the job I was considering, but received some great feedback on my writing from the publisher. He was concerned I was just looking to regroup and wouldn't be invested in the job. He may have been correct.

D20 went to Ohio last weekend for a family event. She called me from the garage as she sat looking at my dad's newest Ferrari. She was a combination of frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and hurt. I guess there was some badmouthing of me/analyzing my decision to move to NY and continue to homeschool D12. D20 defended me and told them that I had been unhappy for years and deserved the chance to find my own way.

I'm very proud of that girl and impressed with her insight. Worry like crazy about her drinking, but really proud of the way she is able to speak her opinion. Don't want her fighting my battles and told her that, but proud to have a daughter who isn't afraid to speak up when she doesn't like what she hears. When he grilled her about information about me, she said she can't speak for me. She also told my dad he is very difficult to get honest with and explained she often feels it's easier to avoid him... and she thinks I've needed some time to get my ducks in a row before dealing with him. I'm not sure how he responded, but I was proud of her courage. He's not an easy person to handle.

I felt validated in keeping the Ohio "Heather" separate from the new Heather. I know D20 was hoping she would receive support, but said she was faced with more judgment. I knew it would happen, but kept my mouth shut and allowed her to find her way.

My mother is still my mother. Continues to promise to visit, doesn't. Still in some weird relationship with abusive stepdad. Still doesn't get me in the slightest and maybe really resents the fact I moved. I don't know.

I have so many issues to tackle... not just the personal ones... Financial, organizational, tons of small shid like a new driver's license, broken car mirror, D12's homeschool paperwork which is due again... etc...

Trying hard to celebrate all I've accomplished, the compliments on my writing, my willingness to shed all I've ever known, the fact I haven't asked for a dime from my parents since moving here in October, the fact I've done it alone in a very remote place with practically no support from my family.

I have a goal of getting to a place where I have a support system in place which supports who I am. I also want to be able to see my family and accept them for who they are... without all the shame. That's my goal for today.

Also, to be a kick-a$$ published author of 15 books.

I'm getting there.

[LoisB]

Oh, and Life, I did send a Happy Father's Day :-) to Matt.

Nope, he didn't deserve it one bit. Not a bit. Probably shouldn't have added the smiley, but it was a moment of weakness? Compassion?

I know the girls didn't do jack and I don't blame them a bit.

I received a text back: Thank you . that was nice.

Why is it so hard for him to line up the periods with the actual text? Or, capitalize the "T" ??????

Whatever. I didn't respond. The Heather of two years, three years ago... would have used whatever I had to engage in a conversation with him, even a meaningless one. Just to get things started and try to pry into his psyche.

I didn't. I left it alone and I didn't obsess about it. He is where he is at. Still so damn sad about it and miss our home, garden, lake, wooded trail everyday... Still angry as hell that D12 doesn't get all that for her childhood.

But, I left it where it was and went on with my day.

Never heard anything back.

[LoisB]

Ok. I'm a bit horrified this morning.

Yesterday, the Forester was Facebook messaging me. I ended up unfriending him, but that's another story.

Anyway, we were talking about how things were going and I was honest and said, "I feel pretty bored and lonely. After years of trying to bloom where I am planted, I want to plant where I bloom. I like the mountains."

Ok. So, I didn't see the message and was confused. About an hour later, I realized I had posted the message on my PAGE, not in the messaging.

I got two likes. UGH. One person, in particular, is not someone I wanted to see that.

Then, this morning, the editor who hired me texted me and asked me if I was ok.

I feel like crawling under a rock.

[Mighty]

Ahhhh! I hate when I do stuff like that. I don't have fb, but have texted the wrong people... Like my dad instead of xh... When he was mg h...

It happens! I think everyone has those moments, so don't worry too much about it. The good thing is, people really won't put much thought into it. They will have forgotten your post before they finish viewing fb and close out.

It wasn't even bad, really. It's ok, girl! Sorry you are embarrassed, but don't sweat it.

Get back out from under that rock!

[LoisB]

Thanks Mighty,

I'm out from under the rock, but still a lil embarrassed.

Managing editor sent me a text saying that maybe it was a cry for help. I think he gets how close to the edge I've been. Ugh.

[lionhrt]

Hi,

Not read through everything in detail. The attny comment I still think is their way of reminding us where they are at. I remember W used to throw in the D word every-time we were getting along and it always shocked me.

I have always made a point of sending W a mothers day card and a small something and she always does the same for me. For me you did the right thing....and good on you for holding off trying to keep the conversation going. I know how hard it can be to hold off.

You sound like you are building up quite a support network which is good. TBH its probably something I need to make more of an effort on!

...and don't worry about the FB thing. I bet we have all done similar!

Take care

[LoisB]

Thanks Lion :-)

I'm getting there.

Matt peaked his head out of rabbit hole yesterday. He said some very nice things and I was validating, supportive and didn't drag the exchange out. I'm very proud of myself. It's taken a long time to get to this place.

We had been communicating because D20 is buying a car. I had asked him to continue paying for the car insurance for her car. Anyway, he was pretty aloof at first. In a weak moment I confided to him how this was a hard time of year for me. Maybe it wasn't weak. I don't know. A nicer man than I've known in a while responded.

D20's b'day is July 2
Our wedding anniversary is July 6
I discovered the OW on July 4 three years ago

He apologized for the bad memories he was responsible for.

This started an exchange which last much of the rest of the day.

He asked about dog and cats. Always the pets?!! I think they are his safe way of expressing some of the whatever. He's projected his feelings onto them, maybe? He used to do this when we were together. TV commercials and pets.

Anyway.

I told him our dog hasn't been happy and she misses our swimming pond. He revealed he misses the pond too and how Lake Erie just isn't the same.

I told him I've received some job offers elsewhere. I was very careful to keep the details to myself. But, his reaction sorta surprised me.

He said he didn't want us moving farther away because "your already far enough away and I don't want ya farther."

This went on for a bit. He revealed he had been looking for my articles online and couldn't find them because we don't have a website... "Unless you just started posting them."

Ok. So, I gave him our Facebook page and he seemed really happy and grateful. It's linked to my FB page so IDK. I was OK with it. It's a good pic of me. :-)

I thought that was the end of it.

Then, later, he texted me again. He said he'd have to increase the deductible on my car and D20's in order to afford her new vehicle. I asked what he was paying on his truck and he only has liability. So, I'm ok with that. I thought that was nice of him.

I told him so.

He responded... and he responds with this in almost every interaction. "See, I gave her a $50 gift card too. I'm not the total ass you think I am."

I sensed this very small little boy talking. A very fragile child.

So, I responded, "Are you sure it's me who thinks you are an ass, or you?"

Matt: "I think you think so."

I thought hard about how to reply. I mean, let's be real, he's acted like a total a-hole.

Me: I think I've been pretty unwaivering when it comes to believing in the real you... Not the asshat b.s.

That seemed to lighten his mood.

Then, I gave him a big atta boy for putting the insurance stuff into place. It was her b'day.

I'm not sure how she will respond to the news. I know he tried to call her which was very brave.

For me, I thanked him for giving me a nice memory and told him how nice it was that we worked together to help our kid on her birthday.

We teased a little about the cat. Back to the safety of the pets. I'm leaving it.

I somehow got my needs met with this weird exchange. I was reminded this isn't about me. I was reminded how this man is very fragile and seems to miss his family. I was reminded how our memories together as a family weren't imagined or unimportant. I was reminded how there was still love there and it will never go despite all the nasty, horrific, unimaginable pain and hurtful behavior/rejection.

He loved me then. He loves me now. But, he is broken.

[LoisB]

Ok. So, update on counselor search:

I've met with three now. The last one was really expensive and I was disappointed because she wasn't as solution-oriented as I was hoping for. She's more "let's dig into your childhood."

However, I learned a good deal. She specializes in women with ADD.

First thing I learned...Transitions are really hard for me. Simple transitions like getting to the office. Getting home. Stuff like that. Rolling out of bed, grabbing my computer works best for me and I need to keep moving towards this type of schedule... but, I need a strong support system around me to stay on track. I seem to thrive with plenty of positive encouragement.

This really struck a chord because...as we discussed my life so far... I could see how, especially during times of great stress, I retreat to my house. I become a homebody.

She said that I'm just somebody who struggles with transitioning from one role to another. My brain gets muddled and it's not my fault. It is what it is.

However, I can't stay inside for the rest of my life.

BUT... She suggested I create a schedule. I think outside of the box and create a schedule that works for me.

So, the company has given the OK on some new office hours. 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.

This morning, I got up at 5:30 and started writing by 6 a.m. If I can begin writing each morning by 6 a.m. and write at least a good portion of a story until 9:30 or so...I could have a story written every day.

I got up this morning and did. I had 1.5 stories complete by 9:30 a.m.

It's weird. I read somewhere that will people who have ADHD/Asperger's that sometimes it's a really small tweak in the schedule or routine that makes all the difference.

My mood feels very different because I already have something done.

Also, the procrastination and avoidance. The therapist had some great insight into this. Apparently, there's some research to suggest that folks who procrastinate/avoid have less dopamine running through their systems. And, the brain will actually use procrastination and the pressure building up as a way of getting the brain to focus, adrenalin begins to surge and you get some clarity.

I've noticed that I have to be either really, really relaxed to write or super stressed and pushed to the edge.

She said that may never change and I will have to learn how to push through it.

The hard part, according to this therapist, I have to figure out how to ease the anxiety which has grown from a lifetime of shame for struggling in certain areas. I was a bit overwhelmed when I began explaining the anxiety I experience. I, literally, feel like I'm going to be devoured by some monster that's out to get me.

She believes years of criticism and judgement have sorta left this running dialogue in my brain.

It's like I developed this idea of who I am based upon some faulty information and I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. She asked me to go way back and I had memories of pre-school where I was very shy and afraid, but felt this huge pressure to perform to make my parents happy. I have always had this pressure to make myself fit like a square going into a round hole.

I see how I have had this feeling throughout my life. I would always put things off to the last minute and I'd do this great job which meant... My dad or teacher or whomever would say, "See! If you only applied yourself!"

Or, I'd get the lecture on screwing up again. I began to believe that I was just a loser who couldn't handle life.

Then, throw in a few kids and an alcoholic husband, some failed business efforts, messed up jobs, terrible finances and I shut all the exterior noise out, so I could focus on what was in front me.

Maybe she wasn't a waste of money after all.

I have this ticker tape running through my head constantly with all the shoulds and musts and couldas...

Kinda like someone said to this shy little girl who was desperate to please... YOU SHOULD BE THIS. I wasn't, so I assumed that meant I was a failure. Instead of helping me, supporting me, encouraging me to become the best ME I could be... I was told I HAD to BE this certain way which was NOT me.

I was told to be outgoing, popular, academically successful, good with numbers... I was supposed to be Marcia Brady. I was actually more of a Jan. I'd definitely be the one wearing the weird wig to the party.

So, before I even started in life, I felt like I failed and with each attempt to be all of the above, I'd fail again which reinforced those terrible feelings.

Then, throw in a large dose of criticism and hypervigilance and judgement among my family and husband... I was sorta set up. Now, I have an actual history of failures with money and shame from bad decisions. I have to let it go to move forward.

There are certain things I'm terrible at and I need extra support around me to make these things work. That may be why I feel so angry with my family. Kinda like I feel like I've been drowning and they just watch from afar. I know they've tried to help in their own way.

All of this, combined, is what makes me so good with children. I completely get how important it is to focus on what children are good at, instead of where they lack skills. I think this is especially true for kids who struggle in certain areas, have perfectionist tendencies and go through traumas like MLC.

OH! And, driving is exhausting for me. I have to work extra, extra hard to drive because my focus is all over the place. So, my 40 minute drive and, then, back from work is drawing a lot of my energy. Once I get where I'm going, I'm usually a lump. I'm hoping that writing in the morning will help this. Get the hard stuff done first. Leave the easy for the rest of the day.

I have one more coach I want to look into. He worked with creative types like myself who have a hard time organizing.

Jesus had a good team around him. That's my plan. I'm putting together my team.