Last, I know this is hard. If you read any of our sitches we all started out the same. You need to keep reminding yourself that your W is not the woman you've been with right now. Don't believe her on the good or bad days.
Believe in yourself! I do. I know you can't do this!!
Praying for you, E
I am seeing that. It did not occur to me that she would be so calculating when it comes to keeping the M and continuing the A. She has my head spinning with questions. I wanted so much to believe her. But I am realizing that it comes down to a just a couple of questions: Does she have an Ashley Madison profile? Yes. Is she still talking to other men? Yes. What else do I need to know?
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I'm assuming your question wasn't "do you want me to make you some eggs?"
I'm guessing it had to do with her calls or texts or clothes or whereabouts.
You can keep asking these questions and keep having these arguments or you can stop. There is NOTHING to be gained from it. Don't just say you want to change or that you Have changed. CHANGE.
Yes it was clothes and whereabouts. Response was angry, defensive, I made an offhand comment and then she was adamant to know "what I had". After I revealed my concern she flipped and got very angry. I have to stay away from the subject 100% you are so right. I do want to change. I do. I do. I do.
How do you know when they are done? Is it when you see real remorse and openness about all these things?
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Today was a big setback. She is pretty pissed. I also have a hard time with having been the one who was cheated on, and SHE is angry at me. It's like bizarro world.
I believe that's a common reaction/tactic by a WW, place blame back on the LBS to keep them off what they are doing. If she had nothing to hide she wouldn't mind you checking things. If she had remorse for what shes done she would do anything to show you she was willing to fix it.
Shes holding onto that WW behavior because in her heart that's the only thing that will make her happy and she will do anything to get it.
I think it was discussed in "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2" thread listed by Cadet at the beginning of your thread. If you haven't read it yet now might be a good time.
I did re-read it. Thanks. I just wish I had some positive sign but so far I have been drawing her in with DB (or she is manipulating me) and then pushing her away when I backslide. It is having a negative net effect. I must truly detach and that has been very difficult for me.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Last - You need to start a new thread. I'll reply here anyway though.
In reading your posts, I think you don't truly understand how deeply this runs. The person mascara ding as your wife is no longer the person you know. You need to imagine her as you would a drug addict.
What do you think would happen if you said to a cocaine addict that you thought it was bad for them or their family? Do you really think they'd say "you're right. I'm done with it now. Thanks." I guess I have no ACTUAL experience, but I'm pretty sure that they'd push you away and treat you as the enemy. The way I understand it, the only way to get her to see everything is to let her bottom out. Set up boundaries to protect yourself and your kids, but stop trying to pull your wife up.
You also have to stretch your timeline WAY out. This is not something that will happen in hours or days. This is a weeks or months proposition. So stop looking for immediate signs or quick fixes - they just don't exist.
Another day, another failure. I caught her lying to me about an outing and said something. She got angry and defensive of course. [/quote]
I don't understand. How did you "catch" her? You have to stop snooping in her email or with her friends or whatever.
[quote=Last] I am not sure I can do this. She is toying with me. Thursday very loving and attentive and Friday disabling the toll unit on her vehicle so she can travel the expressways without any record. I wasn't checking, but who disables that and pays cash unless they are up to something.
Today was a big setback. She is pretty pissed. I also have a hard time with having been the one who was cheated on, and SHE is angry at me. It's like bizarro world.
Hi Last,
I just read up on your on your thread. I am about a month ahead of you in dealing with a similar situation with my H and I did some if the same stuff you are doing. I am by no means a vet, but I am slowly learning. I can tell you first hand that it was a waste of time and energy. Your W is going to do what she wants to do right now and constantly confronting her and looking for evidence is only going to build up a wall between you. She is irrational right now and your actions are only serving to reinforce her thoughts about leaving.
As hard as it is, I strongly encourage you to drop it ASAP. Others on here told me the same thing, but I let my emotions get the better of me. I wasted an opportunity of a month of focusing on a better version of myself. It only caused my H to work on being more secretive.
Yes, it is bizarro world. My H is also very angry at me even though he is the one in A. In her mind your M was already over, so she is rationalizing that she has done nothing wrong. As a vet just told me, the anger of my H is actually at himself and he is just projecting it at me because I am the closest person to my H. So in his mind, I have to be causing his anger and pain.
Please listen to the advice you are receiving from others. Otherwise, a month from now, you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time and pushing your W away further. From first hand experience, it will not get you anywhere. Work on you!! You can do this.
BW
Last edited by BW05; 06/21/1501:49 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Another day, another failure. I caught her lying to me about an outing and said something. She got angry and defensive of course.
I don't understand. How did you "catch" her? You have to stop snooping in her email or with her friends or whatever.
Originally Posted By: Last
I am not sure I can do this. She is toying with me. Thursday very loving and attentive and Friday disabling the toll unit on her vehicle so she can travel the expressways without any record. I wasn't checking, but who disables that and pays cash unless they are up to something.
Today was a big setback. She is pretty pissed. I also have a hard time with having been the one who was cheated on, and SHE is angry at me. It's like bizarro world.
Hi Last,
I just read up on your on your thread. I am about a month ahead of you in dealing with a similar situation with my H and I did some if the same stuff you are doing. I am by no means a vet, but I am slowly learning. I can tell you first hand that it was a waste of time and energy. Your W is going to do what she wants to do right now and constantly confronting her and looking for evidence is only going to build up a wall between you. She is irrational right now and your actions are only serving to reinforce her thoughts about leaving.
As hard as it is, I strongly encourage you to drop it ASAP. Others on here told me the same thing, but I let my emotions get the better of me. I wasted an opportunity of a month of focusing on a better version of myself. It only caused my H to work on being more secretive.
Yes, it is bizarro world. My H is also very angry at me even though he is the one in A. In her mind your M was already over, so she is rationalizing that she has done nothing wrong. As a vet just told me, the anger of my H is actually at himself and he is just projecting it at me because I am the closest person to my H. So in his mind, I have to be causing his anger and pain.
Please listen to the advice you are receiving from others. Otherwise, a month from now, you will be kicking yourself for wasting so much time and pushing your W away further. From first hand experience, it will not get you anywhere. Work on you!! You can do this.
BW
I appreciate your input. It does seem like we are on a similar path. I will be starting a new thread with some new info.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
