Roommates for the Next Two Months

[DifRent]

Today is going to be a tough day. It's father's day... my father died eight years ago, and my kids' dad is barely involved with their lives. Both my kids are going to be working today anyway, and so is the WW. Everyone I know has family plans... I am looking at a long day alone, reflecting on why this is all so hard for me...

And it's occurred to me that I have had the life sucked out of me in so many different ways. I used to be filled with passion and plans and all kinds of creative ideas. I was the principal of an arts school, but more than that, I built that school... designed the building and the curriculum. I was so passionate about what I did and the people I served. Best job ever - but - it came to an end.

When it did, I worked on other projects - built a fairly successful writing business until some politics interfered with its success. After this, I created a teacher stress management program, spent over a year on this, got a national following... but I just haven't been able to fully capitalize on it monetarily. My W was my biggest fan and supporter, even agreed to go to Afghanistan to make big money while I was building it with my team. But her support waned as it was clear we weren't making money... and I went from someone she was proud of as a creative leader, to someone she was disappointed in as a failed business person. That hurt, but we recovered as she transitioned to her real estate career, and I agreed to help.

I didn't do this because I love real estate... it just seemed the most promising way to make the most money in the quickest amount of time, and I also feared this: if she wasn't successful with this quickly, she would panic and go back to a dangerous country overseas. I wanted to avoid this at all costs.

We were working on building our business, our dream, our life... but it was tense the whole time. Her anxiety about becoming successful was a constant current running just beneath the daily flow of our lives. The BD came after she met "the predator," but the only reason the predator had an opening was because my W was in such a state of panic about everything.

Now... her dreams and plans haven't changed. She continues to build the business and loves to point out to me that "things are really beginning to pick up" (although the strain and stress of doing it all alone is beginning to show, and as if none of the groundwork I helped her lay to get to this point matters). All of sudden, the dreams we were building together are hers alone. I am standing here wondering at the age of 46 what MY dreams are now... and at the moment, I don't have any.

I don't know what my living situation is going to be in two months. My kids are leaving this week. She is gone all the time, and when she's here, I can't stand being with her. My new job doesn't start for another three weeks. And filling the time till then has become torturous, because I feel so empty and lost and absolutely uninspired to do or feel anything.

The life we were building, this business, was always supposed to be a means to an end - the end being a simple, minimalist life. I'm realizing that an over complicated way of getting there might not be the best route. That's what she's doing... she has so much going on she can hardly handle it, and I'm just lost. We could have done all this so much differently.

In any case... happy father's day to all the great dads on this board. I hope you get to spend good quality time with your kids.