Roommates for the Next Two Months

[DifRent]

Turns out I will need to adjust my GAL plans for tonight. My son needs me to pick him up from work at 8pm, so that kills my outdoor movie. It also means I might have to spend some kind of time in the living room with the W this evening, unless I stay out deliberately to avoid her. And I'm tired of doing that just for the sake of doing that.

If we do spend time together, I really don't want any kind of fight or ill word to be spoken by me. STFU, detach, pleasant neighbor, all those things. My DB coach says that if reconciliation is possible, we want the W to walk away from encounters with me feeling good and uplifted, not the opposite. Not good and uplifted about what she's doing, but good and uplifted by me. I know she is showing a very expensive piece of land to a client this afternoon. I suppose I could affirm what a great job she's doing in her business. But that's really all I got.

All of this after I hit the church in a bit. Need a lot of prayer for tonight.

[Bob723]

Hey Dif,

I'm sorry that your GAL plans changed tonight, but your son needs a ride, so that is first priority. Could you do something after that? Or do you feel it would be too late?

Regarding the STFU, that is a good idea! If you're worried you can't stick to it (I think you can!) as we joke on this forum, you may want to have some duct tape handy. What's your favorite color? Mine is blue. Ha!

I will dedicate a prayer for you right now and add you to my prayer list for tonight.

*hugs*

Bob

[DifRent]

Hugs Bob, and thank you for your prayers.

Yeah, all this GAL stuff is wearing me out. We would often go to networking events on weekday evenings, or maybe one night on the weekend meet friends for dinner. But we liked to just stay home, be comfortable, drink some wine, chill out. And even when we would go out, we were almost always home by 9pm.

I know she has to be EXHAUSTED from staying out every night till midnight or later and still driving home. But she's so damn stubborn, and the addiction is too strong. Maybe she'll just crash here tonight early, and I won't have to worry about anything.

[Bob723]

You're welcome, DifRent, it's the least I can do for you.

I know what you mean about GAL being tiring. I have felt that way at times, too. Maybe W will fall asleep early.

For your sake, I hope so.

You're friend,

*hugs*

Bob

[DifRent]

So, she is here as I predicted, in her pj's for the first time in I can't remember how long. I said, "Home on a Saturday night?" She responded as if this is nothing unusual. "Yes, it's the weekend. Why wouldn't I be?"

I offered her some of the pizza I'd brought home for my son and me. She eagerly accepted... as she texts and texts and texts, making random comments to me about her new apartment and her pending minimum wage personal trainer job and how she's not going to have to worry about money anymore...

I am doing my best to just... keep... quiet... and trying to remember all the prayers I just said at church the past two hours. There is great virtue in suffering, have to remember that.

[Bob723]

Hi DifRent,

Is sounds to me like she trying to bait you into an argument. Don't fall into that trap. Show her a confident DifRent.

Do you have any duct tape handy? Any color will do.

All kidding aside, I hope that brought a smile to your face and I'll pray for you tonight.

Your friend,

Bob

[Matt777]

Agree with Bob. Don't take the bait.
Hell, get dressed up to go get dessert by yourself.

Thinking of you!

[DifRent]

Hey guys, thanks. No arguments tonight... I just said at one point, "So I have to assume your 'girlfriend' is out of town tonight." She flashes this really weird new smile that she only smiles in reference to comments about the OW. "Yes," she said, softly.

And where was this? In the car! I had to pick my son up from work, and it was a gorgeous evening here, perfect night to ride in the convertible. I told her I was going to get him, and she jumped up and said, "I'll come with you."

My first instinct was to say, "No, thank you." But I decided that since we weren't fighting, there wouldn't be much harm. Other than that little exchange, all was fine. Once we got back, I went out on the porch to enjoy some wine with the thunderstorm that cropped up, and she stayed inside to keep texting the OW. I'm inside now and, again, so strange to have so many things be so different in such a short period of time.

I'm sure tomorrow night will be back to the new normal, where she stays out till midnight. I wish she'd just go to bed already. I really am not ready to go to bed myself.

[DifRent]

I clicked on a video at my church's website tonight, about a program they are starting this week. My W was busy on her own computer, not paying attention. At one point, the speaker was talking about how they would cover the topic of relationships, and rightly ordered relationships and desires, and how to act with integrity and love your family and so on and so on. Interesting... while he was saying that, I noticed she was looking up at the ceiling, just listening.

Of course, she's back to texting now. I guess we just need to hope and pray that somehow these messages get planted somewhere and grow.

[DifRent]

Today is going to be a tough day. It's father's day... my father died eight years ago, and my kids' dad is barely involved with their lives. Both my kids are going to be working today anyway, and so is the WW. Everyone I know has family plans... I am looking at a long day alone, reflecting on why this is all so hard for me...

And it's occurred to me that I have had the life sucked out of me in so many different ways. I used to be filled with passion and plans and all kinds of creative ideas. I was the principal of an arts school, but more than that, I built that school... designed the building and the curriculum. I was so passionate about what I did and the people I served. Best job ever - but - it came to an end.

When it did, I worked on other projects - built a fairly successful writing business until some politics interfered with its success. After this, I created a teacher stress management program, spent over a year on this, got a national following... but I just haven't been able to fully capitalize on it monetarily. My W was my biggest fan and supporter, even agreed to go to Afghanistan to make big money while I was building it with my team. But her support waned as it was clear we weren't making money... and I went from someone she was proud of as a creative leader, to someone she was disappointed in as a failed business person. That hurt, but we recovered as she transitioned to her real estate career, and I agreed to help.

I didn't do this because I love real estate... it just seemed the most promising way to make the most money in the quickest amount of time, and I also feared this: if she wasn't successful with this quickly, she would panic and go back to a dangerous country overseas. I wanted to avoid this at all costs.

We were working on building our business, our dream, our life... but it was tense the whole time. Her anxiety about becoming successful was a constant current running just beneath the daily flow of our lives. The BD came after she met "the predator," but the only reason the predator had an opening was because my W was in such a state of panic about everything.

Now... her dreams and plans haven't changed. She continues to build the business and loves to point out to me that "things are really beginning to pick up" (although the strain and stress of doing it all alone is beginning to show, and as if none of the groundwork I helped her lay to get to this point matters). All of sudden, the dreams we were building together are hers alone. I am standing here wondering at the age of 46 what MY dreams are now... and at the moment, I don't have any.

I don't know what my living situation is going to be in two months. My kids are leaving this week. She is gone all the time, and when she's here, I can't stand being with her. My new job doesn't start for another three weeks. And filling the time till then has become torturous, because I feel so empty and lost and absolutely uninspired to do or feel anything.

The life we were building, this business, was always supposed to be a means to an end - the end being a simple, minimalist life. I'm realizing that an over complicated way of getting there might not be the best route. That's what she's doing... she has so much going on she can hardly handle it, and I'm just lost. We could have done all this so much differently.

In any case... happy father's day to all the great dads on this board. I hope you get to spend good quality time with your kids.