Bob, Job, Painter...thanks for posts and support today. Today was emotionally draining, but it felt good to have a release and get it out of my system with H out of town. Was hard having to tell mom when she is so far away. I have no family that lives here accept for H and his side. Hoping my release today provides a clear mind for when he gets back so I that I can be fully immersed in DB work.
Just some reflection from today:
1)I think with getting in the right frame of mind to DB and acting as if, I forgot to let myself release true emotions in my alone time. I think this was causing me to not allow the grieving process to fully begin. A release like today also help with clarity for better path forward.
2) It has been a rough few weeks with dealing with emotions of the A. I let it affect me more than I probably should have, which in turn affected me making wise DB decisions and my ability to detach. So much so that I realize in reading back over my posts that I did not always follow the wise advice I was given on here. It is what it is and I cannot change now. I think I have it all out of my system for now. I will hold off on broaching topic any further until R (if we ever get there).
3) Everyone kept saying at the beginning that things will get much worse before they get better. I really underestimated this in a big way, which led to false expectations on my part. I truly did not understand how bad it was going to get with H.
4) I do worry that I have made a mass of DB mistakes over the last month and worry that I have given H more reasons to chose D. I have added pressure and stress versus taking it away from the situation. I need to be better about utilizing this forum before responding to H, especially where I have time to respond ---damn texts!! At the same time I also need to remember I am still only 3 months into this process (only 2 months since learning of A), so I need to be patient and kind to myself. I did feel better after chatting with IC. She really paid me some strong compliments on how rational and calm I have been in responding to H and handling A. This is totally DB at work. As hard as I want to be on myself for my DB mistakes, I am still doing much better than a person not DBing.
5) Even with my meltdown today, I still hold my opinion that I am much stronger today because of LRT and GAL. I have some fun things to look forward to this summer, as well as a tuned up version of me. I know I still have a ways to go before the fully remodeled BW. One day at a time.
With regard to this whole wedding debacle and text to his sister, I have sent H text that validated his concern, but did not apologize. I also later sent text with just a heads up that I told my mom, but not too much detail. The only reason I sent that one was I can see her reaching out to him even though I told her not to. I did not receive a response to either, but anticipate that I will get a verbal lashing when he returns. If he does, I will plan on validating again and then walking away.
Why does crying make you so tired?!
Last edited by BW05; 06/21/1512:13 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
