The triggers would have been 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop. The triggers could have been any number of things, a death of a friend/co-worker, losing a job, getting promoted, health issues, etc. The list could go on and on. One of the signs of MLC is confusion. Does he appear to get confused besides the irrational behavior?
Yes, the angry MLCer can actually say that they are not angry. MLC is an "emotional" journey for them. They operate on pure emotions and that's why things appear irrational to us at time and that's why you can't reason w/them.
Come over to the MLC forum and read some of the threads. You will get a very nice view of what MLC can do to people who are experiencing it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not sure about confusion other than about what he wants to do with regard to our M. There has been a lot of hot/could behavior, but more cold these days. As far as feelings go, he is not sharing with me. Mostly, just feel he has been abducted by aliens. While our marriage had issues, I don't understand how where all of this anger and hostility towards me has come from. He wouldnt call it anger and hostility though. It is literally like a switch was flipped with his personality, though he swears that is not the case. It has just been so extreme and not a gradual change from the day before BD to after.
We certainly have had a rough couple of years. I just keep going back through the years trying to see what he sees and I just can't reconcile the difference. But I understand that based on his emotional state that I won't be able to reconcile it. I just need to stop thinking about it and work on me.
It is just frustrating that after 14 years he won't talk to me, but yet is confiding in people he has known for 3-4 months. I certainly have become the enemy. Mostly, this happened after the A come to light.
Last edited by BW05; 06/20/1501:07 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Ok, having total mental breakdown after my morning walk. The feeling of being abandoned and totally ignored by H is unbearable at times. One of those days you can barely breathe from loneliness, sadness, and loss. Mourning the loss my best friend and companion. Not the person exists now, but the person that once was before BD. Maybe it is because I know he is at the wedding with family or what. Not a good day. I hate that he can't just ignore me and show no visible pain.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Just told my mom about what is going on, but kept details to a minimum. I couldn't stand that I was holding up a front when I spoke with her. They live out of state, so it was a phone conversation. Total breakdown with her, but felt good for her to finally know. She mentioned something about trying to talk to H, but I told her it would not be a good idea that he needs space. She has a mind of her own though.
Off to IC. Need it today.
Last edited by BW05; 06/20/1504:00 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
As hard as it may seem to believe this...but his anger is displaced. He's angry at himself, the world and his childhood issues and what he thinks he missed out on along the way. He thinks that the marriage and you are the problem, but neither one is the root cause of his anger. Trust me, he's angry at everything in one way or the other. It's about him and only him.
Yes, it appears that a switch has flipped, but he's been gradually working up to this phase for a very long time. If you think about it, you can go back and begin to see little signs along the way. But, I want you to understand that there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently. If he were single, married to someone else on in another relationship, he would still have had this crisis. You couldn't have prevented it.
Bottom line, the most important person right now is YOU. YOU need to take care of YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so very sorry to hear about the terrible AM you have had. I have felt that way many times about my WAW, but 8 months in nothing is decided yet.
Please, like job suggested, take care of yourself. Also, don't look to far into the future. Who knows what tomorrow holds for you? Remember, one day at a time.
Thinking of you.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Ok, having total mental breakdown after my morning walk. The feeling of being abandoned and totally ignored by H is unbearable at times. One of those days you can barely breathe from loneliness, sadness, and loss. Mourning the loss my best friend and companion. Not the person exists now, but the person that once was before BD. Maybe it is because I know he is at the wedding with family or what. Not a good day. I hate that he can't just ignore me and show no visible pain.
I am so sorry. :-( Been in the same place for the last 3-4 days. I've not been good at hiding it and there's been arguments. I hope you do better than me in talking to others and keeping it hidden from H.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Bob, Job, Painter...thanks for posts and support today. Today was emotionally draining, but it felt good to have a release and get it out of my system with H out of town. Was hard having to tell mom when she is so far away. I have no family that lives here accept for H and his side. Hoping my release today provides a clear mind for when he gets back so I that I can be fully immersed in DB work.
Just some reflection from today:
1)I think with getting in the right frame of mind to DB and acting as if, I forgot to let myself release true emotions in my alone time. I think this was causing me to not allow the grieving process to fully begin. A release like today also help with clarity for better path forward.
2) It has been a rough few weeks with dealing with emotions of the A. I let it affect me more than I probably should have, which in turn affected me making wise DB decisions and my ability to detach. So much so that I realize in reading back over my posts that I did not always follow the wise advice I was given on here. It is what it is and I cannot change now. I think I have it all out of my system for now. I will hold off on broaching topic any further until R (if we ever get there).
3) Everyone kept saying at the beginning that things will get much worse before they get better. I really underestimated this in a big way, which led to false expectations on my part. I truly did not understand how bad it was going to get with H.
4) I do worry that I have made a mass of DB mistakes over the last month and worry that I have given H more reasons to chose D. I have added pressure and stress versus taking it away from the situation. I need to be better about utilizing this forum before responding to H, especially where I have time to respond ---damn texts!! At the same time I also need to remember I am still only 3 months into this process (only 2 months since learning of A), so I need to be patient and kind to myself. I did feel better after chatting with IC. She really paid me some strong compliments on how rational and calm I have been in responding to H and handling A. This is totally DB at work. As hard as I want to be on myself for my DB mistakes, I am still doing much better than a person not DBing.
5) Even with my meltdown today, I still hold my opinion that I am much stronger today because of LRT and GAL. I have some fun things to look forward to this summer, as well as a tuned up version of me. I know I still have a ways to go before the fully remodeled BW. One day at a time.
With regard to this whole wedding debacle and text to his sister, I have sent H text that validated his concern, but did not apologize. I also later sent text with just a heads up that I told my mom, but not too much detail. The only reason I sent that one was I can see her reaching out to him even though I told her not to. I did not receive a response to either, but anticipate that I will get a verbal lashing when he returns. If he does, I will plan on validating again and then walking away.
Why does crying make you so tired?!
Last edited by BW05; 06/21/1512:13 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Sometimes, there's nothing to do but just cry and release all that sadness. The most important thing in your life is dead and you need to spend most of your life acting as if you're ok with it. So, when you have the time and the space, let it out. Feel it. Scream, cry, break [censored]. Whatever it takes.
As for the DB mistakes, nobody gets it perfect. Just learn from what you may have done, and get it right the next time!
I can see you getting stronger, more aware, the better version of you. Just keep going and you'll be alright.
