Just a couple of thoughts from me. I think Wonka and V's suggestions are great. STFU and let your W talk. REally listen. Don't push, let her move at her pace. Just see it as a first touch base.
I agree about the sobriety - that comes tops..
Maybe have a few 'safe' - how are things going Qs if you need to lighten the tone.
Try not to react or defend - listen and validate. Set yourself a time limit on the convo. Absolute max an hour I would say & suggest you speak further another time. Maybe even half an hour is best this time? IDK.
Good luck anyway xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Good luck with your conversation. I agree with a time limit. My DB coach said no more than 30 minutes. The longer you chat, the more emotions will heat up, and things can go off the rails and you lose all concept of STFU. I still do not have this down.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I made the call just now and my W has agreed to sit down with me and an MC and have a conversation. I kept the call light but followed Wonka's basic script.
Unfortunately, she did tell me that she would be meeting with me only to get final closure for herself as she has forgiven me, forgiven herself, moved on, and is in a great place in her life now.
Not exactly what her cousin told me, and I didn't bring that up that I had talked to him as she mentioned all of the above early on in the call.
When I asked if we should meet at her IC's she replied that her IC was part of her new life and she didn't want to associate me with her at all now so we would have to find someone else. Kind of disheartening as well.
Looking at what's between the lines, I'm happy that we can sit down together with a professional, this is more than we've done since the first week she's left.
Wondering about the difference between what her cousin told me and what she relayed in the call is just mind reading and I'm going to be thankful that we can talk to someone.
Last edited by PigPen; 06/20/1506:44 PM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Looking at what's between the lines, I'm happy that we can sit down together with a professional, this is more than we've done since the first week she's left.
Hi PigPen!
That's exactly what I took for your conversation. Hang in there buddy and keep posting.
I am rooting for you, as always.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks Bob, I'm still a bit bummed out by all of the talk of closure, moving on, and separate lives.
She said she knew I was doing the best that I could at the time with the tools I had, and has forgiven me, but said on a few occasions that she has moved on.
It's almost like she was DB'ing me.
I have some good GAL activities to get me through the rest of the weekend but have been moping a bit since I hung up the phone. After speaking with her cousin I felt like there would be some kind of sign that she had any kind of interest, even .01% of considering R - maybe that .01% is in the willingness to sit with the MC - even if it has to be couched as an exercise in closure.
When we spoke last week I told her that I was focused on my sobriety - 100%, she told me today that she took that to mean I was "moving on"...aye aye aye.
I did state today that I had fought hard for my sobriety and that it was in place, supported with multiple resources, and that I want to share my sober life with her, even if that wasn't any time soon. She said nothing one way or the other after hearing that, and has been tight lipped with anything direct about us. She's good.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hmmm...I'm going to dump some thoughts in here as they come to me. Feel free to chime in with any comments.
Toots said to really listen, and I did. And I still am and am digesting everything.
If I listen carefully it seems like what my W kept saying is that we didn't need to dredge up the past. That she "knows why I was the way I was, the tools I had from my family background, and the stresses that I was under, and has forgiven me. That I was doing the best I could with the tools I had."
Before calling her today, I had sent her an email (as discussed with my DB Coach) asking about doing the 9th step - making amends with her. In that email I had said I would be completely honest with her about my addictive past and how it had effected our M.
She spoke to her cousin before getting that email so I'm wondering if she was telling him that she was interested in moving forward, but was telling me that she didn't want to dredge up the past. Thus all the talk about closure.
I wonder if my email isn't the issue and that she is willing to sit down with the MC but doesn't want it all to be about who did what, said what, and what went wrong in our M since she has moved past all of that. Perhaps she thinks that is all that I was going to talk about (as I had stated in my email).
Or maybe I just need to drop it and get on with my weekend.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
You're most welcome, anything to help a friend. Why did I quote the one sentence above? Because, you may be right.
Of course all of this is so discouraging, but if you want a chance at R you have no choice but to stick with the DB principles.
May I make a suggestion? I wouldn't mention any more how hard you have fought for your sobriety. Show her! Let us know, a friend, etc. but don't tell her. One of Sandi's rules is to not mention that we have changed. I have done the same things with some of my issues, too. My W also never really replied (this was always on the phone). I guess it sounds to a wayward spouse that we (LBS) are trying to convince them. Did you have to convince her to date you? Marry you? Do you see my point?
Otherwise, I feel you are doing all you can.
PP, chin up my friend!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
