I think WAS's are conflicted and afraid of becoming "weak" and succumbing to their regrets and ending up going through the pain of a terrible M again...so they try to burn the bridge so there's no way they can end up there again. She's running as far as she can from the M and trying to make sure you're not running after her, and that the door is slammed shut and locked, so she's 'safe'. Then she'll try to live her new life and find happiness, assuming that her sadness and regrets are just part of the necessary pain she has to go through before she can really enjoy her new life.
Great summation Zeus - and something I can live with - even if it does hurt me
After she runs far enough away, goes through her own grieving process, has a series of rebounds and realizes the grass isn't greener and that all R's have their problems, and that she brought some herself...maybe she grows a bit, or realizes that your M might have been salvageable. But I think this is closer to the true road to R than a moment of "why are we doing this?" So it really is a journey measured in years. And one with no guarantees, because she may never come around, or when she does she may be remarried and just end up deciding to make her new R work (like the story in DR where the lady regrets Ding her first H with what she learned, but only 7 years in to her new M).
"Bolded" - do you mean rather than our expectation/hope that she will snap out of the fog and come to this realization?
That's why you can't look back. You truly have to let go. DBing is a good road as long as we don't let it keep us tied to our WAS's road. You know this. Find your own path, and keep growing. The worst pain is over, but you're just starting your REAL journey.
"Bolded" - i think this is the unfortunate drawcard of DBing. The premise is that the M can be saved if only you follow LRT etc. For the first few months we have the expectation/hope of the above bolded "why are we doing this moment". Although I believe it is a necessary first step to open your heart and begin the REAL journey from the right place, it is not always helpful when people are at this crossroads intersection to URGE them away from the road following their WAS.
Personally, I constantly recall those immortal words "I'm open to R, I'm not waiting."
Thanks for everything big guy
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I have not forgotten. It basically has been done (the 100 things), things are just moving so fast and being a single Dad every other week makes it difficult to compile/collate.
Eager to hear your thoughts and/or what has been "confusing" about my sitch for you.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Zeus, as usual you have put me a miles ahead of where I would be otherwise. I have re-read your earlier post re:WAS slamming the door a dozen times. Sometimes just as comfort food. It sits very well with me. It makes compassion/forgiveness so much easier. Whats striking is that it is exactly what I needed. Are you my fairy Godmother? Bless you my friend.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
it will be really hard, and even harder if she insists on having OM around - do you know if i have (even though not Scotland) have any legal grounds to deny him access.
One way to keep this from happening, even when you are not in the house (because even if you throw him out and ask him never to come back it seems your wife can "invite" anyone on the premises she desires...especially if you aren't there) would possibly be to file a personal protection or restraining order of some kind against the guy. That his presence on your property is and would create a hostile situation and a threat to you. That [om] is doing it intentionally with the intent to harass you and egg you on into a violent response. Maybe pleading that it's taunting. You may not be able to get something like this for walking around town absent a specific threat but on your own property (even though it's joint with your wife) might be obtainable. The "treat" is his presence on your property even though he's been specifically asked NOT to enter it. (you may need to make a specific notice to advise OM that his entering your property is perceived by you as a threat and could result in you defending yourself [your "defending yourself" may sound like you are going to beat him up but it really means - pursuing legal recourse to defend yourself from his presence.)
Property rights are taken seriously by the courts and the US right to peaceful/quiet enjoyment of your property derives it's roots in British Common Law.
In the US you could petition for exclusive use of the marital residence and seek to have a judge remove the other spouse for cause. Bringing an affair partner into the home against the wishes of the other spouse could be a persuasive factor in such motions.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Apart from being extremely awkward, reverting back to old dynamic of me doing everything etc, my biggest lingering concern is for my kids. d4 has just got used to seeing mummy and daddy separately. I am extremely hesitant to confuse her and then separate again.
better round out this thread before Cadet insists.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
