Great story, Cali! I was hoping the W would be around long enough this afternoon to see that I was preparing for having guests tonight... friends are due here soon for a cookout, and really, we haven't entertained here in months with the exception of my son's graduation party a few weeks back. We used to have people over all the time, when this was a warm and welcoming place to be. Anyway, I'll try to leave clues that she missed something... I can also tell she misses these particular friends. Like me, they are pissed at her. And like me, they really love her, and want the real her back, too.
The OW is headed out of town tomorrow and won't be back till Sunday night, so my W must find a way to pass the time. I will go to the gym in the morning, then I have creativity workshop plans at noon, will go to confession and Mass in the early evening, and then will head to an outdoor movie night, complete with tapas and wine. I don't know if she'll miss me, start packing, be glad I'm not there so she can have a night of peace to herself in the house (which she hasn't in I don't know how long), or what.
And that's not my job to wonder, I know.
There is a part of me that longs to ask her to come to the movie night. But I long to ask the woman who isn't really there right now, so I won't.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I dropped a quick note to a woman who I know my W has been talking to... a European woman (like my W) with a similar career background who is, shall we say, a bit blunt with her opinions. She is also the only "friend" my W has in this area who isn't also "our" friend... although I really like this woman and we probably would have become good friends, it's just that we only met for the first time in February.
In any case, she has "liked" a few of my Facebook posts lately, and I just sent a message thanking her for being such a good listening ear for my W during all these difficult times.
She wrote back quickly and said, "I am truly sorry for all the things you are going through together. I am not sure what the outcome will be, but I know from what I hear that you are an amazing woman and deserve all the happiness in the world. I know I am not the right person to give you advice, but I really think it would be best to let her totally go and experience for herself what/who is important in her life or not. (Right out of the DB book yes???) As long as there is some connection left between the two of you, she will never be able to figure it out. I am sorry to be harsh about it, I just want the best for the two of you, whatever that looks like. But I know Ella needs to go through this period without you, to truly understand your importance in her life. Please know you can always reach out to me!"
I wrote back that I knew she was right, we do need distance. She wrote back, "I know this must be very painful for you, but there is nothing you can do to make it better. I do hear from everything she still loves you, but she doubts if that is as a life partner or in the capacity of a friend. If you push it too hard now, that friendship later down the road will become impossible (you know much better then I do how stubborn she is ...), and that would be a shame. You were put in each other's lives for a certain reason!"
I said, "Stubborn, yes! lol You know, I'm not really pushing anything. If I had one 'complaint" about her in the course of our relationship, it's that she projects. To be honest, the woman she is now is not at all the woman I've known the past five years. And I don't want to be with this woman. Sure, there is some residual anger that seeps through simply because I'm human, but I always apologize for overstepping my bounds. Strangely, she gives mixed messages herself... hugging and kissing and touching me even when I say don't do that. We just need to ride this next month or two till we are physically separated. She's confused, I know. But I'm in a place now where whatever happens, happens. Like you say, we are in each other's lives for a reason. And we can't play God at this point and know what that is."
She said she was a good listener and was here to "talk" if I ever needed someone to listen.
I said, "I believe and know just from this chat that you are a good listener! And I would take you up on that. But... I think (W) deserves a good listener who isn't also listening to me... even though you just listened to me. All I can say is that when you listen to her, know that she's in a confused and challenging place. And that I see myself as a 'lighthouse.' That when the storm calms, I'm here, if she wants to come and talk to me. If not, well... I will just love her from afar. But.. I'm grateful she has the likes of you to listen to her, no matter what."
She said, "You are amazing Sue. I promise you to be there for her as a friend."
Hmmm. This woman has a grasp of the DB philosophy without even knowing it. But did I overstep my bounds by saying as much as I did? I thought that the fact she replied to me so quickly meant that she's been wanting to reach out to me. I don't want to spend too much time parsing her words, but apparently, my W is saying things to her that are much kinder than what she's saying to me.
Of course, I'm writing this late on a Friday night after a few gin and tonics and the bed is calling me... it's only day one of our novena.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I swear that reply from the friend sounds exactly like the one I got from a mutual friend also, almost word for word. This friend me and W have known since high school but she is much closer to W.
My W is so stubborn also, so many similarities.
If the friend wanted to talk to you that's her choice, W doesn't control her. I would just be careful about continuing to talk to her because it may be an issue in the future depending on what you say.
We let them go and be the lighthouse!
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Yes Fogg, that's why I was clear that I appreciated her offer to listen, but I would decline so that my W had her ear. Frankly, I have many ears here in my world... and a bunch of AMAZING ears here on this board, just like you.
Thanks for the affirmation... hope you're having a good night.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Its ok to talk to your W's friend(s). Just be careful with how much you share. I'm sure that your conversation was pasted directly to your wife. Hell, your wife could have been sitting there with her for all you know. Especially don't give away too much about your "strategy" or plans.
Oh yeah, Matt - I was very careful just to be gracious, especially if this were to get back to my W. This friend doesn't even know the OW (which is who my W was with), and I get the feeling my W might actually be telling this friend that she's still not sure about "us" and taking things slow with her dating - because she doesn't want people to know that she started the EA before I knew anything, and is actually leaving me for her. Doesn't make her look good, of course.
Again, I can't mindread, so either that's a carefully planned way of presenting her situation to a friend from whom she wants nothing but affirmation for her actions... or... there is truth in what she says, and she still isn't 100% sure we are done, she just needs space to figure things out. That seems to be what this friend's understanding of things is.
Believe none of what she says, is what I wanted to say to this friend. But then, she doesn't need to know that. Only I do.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Even if the EA was there before BD they will see it as a non factor in their decision to separate. Its not be that they lie about this in all cases, but that they have convinced themselves this is the truth because the truth is too much for them to face.
Deep down they might realize the real reason. I just think for them its easier to ignore the truth that makes them out to be the bad guy. Especially if what there doing is chasing another person to make them happy.
Sometimes I think that's why my W pursues this guy so intensely and throws herself at him. If he doesn't work out she has to face the reality she was wrong about him and everything she gave up was wrong also. She clinging to a reality that's collapsing and she might know it but cant admit it to herself. So her stubbornness keeps pushing her forward trying to force that reality to happen no matter the cost.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
