Abuse

[Sherman333]

Wow V. I keep thinking about how many missteps I have made and reading through this I see why I need to stop trying to appeal to his decency. I recognize H in what you say, and it is scary to think that because I have had bad relationships before, but this one seemed so right. How could it be that he is this person described here? He has a larger circle than I do. And I know that his biggest fear is his reputation which has been threatened due to the blurred lines of our home life and his work life. Not to mention blurred lines of my pre-H days and his family.

I am afraid right now. Not sure what he is planning to do with the information I have given him by trying to appeal to his decency. Am I really in an abusive marriage? The gloves came off for him when I started seeking answers from those in his circle. It is interesting how he made it a point to tell me that I don't have any real friends here, except one. The rest are all through him, and their loyalties are with him. It was an odd thing for him to say, but I see now it is his way of trying to protect his reputation and creating paranoia in me.

but this one seemed so right.

Don't beat yourself up. Most likely, you were manipulated.

There are "typical" stages for a narcissistic relationship. To a certain extent, this can be extrapolated to relationships with other Cluster B personality types. I'm unfortunately very familiar with this one. It easy to doubt your perceptions when this happens. People with these disorders cannot empathize. They'll only use it against you later. Especially in the 2nd stage.

• Love Bombing - This is the beginning stage where they lure you into the relationship. They can be very charming. They will go out of their way to make you feel valued, appreciated, appeal to your desires, etc.
• Idealization/Devaluation - This is where they vacillate between how wonderful you are and then how horrible a person you are. Often they'll use public shaming and humiliation as a form of control. Then they'll take all back when they're idolizing you again.
• The Discard Phase or the Abandonment Stage - They abandoned you and the relationship so quick it's amazing. You'll need to be on guard as the narcissist will come back repeatedly to start the phases over again. Best to go no-contact if you can. Or minimize it as much as possible.

Search terms:
Love Bombing
Cluster B Personality Disorders
narcissistic relationship stages

Cluster B personality disorders have 5 fundamental fears.

• The fear of abandonment.
• The fear of loss of control.
• The fear of feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate.
• The fear of loss of resources.
• The fear of exposure.

I believe all of these are searchable and a search would do a better job of explaining them. Touching any of these would trigger a strong response from someone with any of the cluster B disorders.

In the example above, "And I know that his biggest fear is his reputation which has been threatened ", you're triggering the fear of exposure.

As for dealing with your paranoia and understanding your marriage, that's something I'd suggest an IC for. You can also search for things like "Signs That You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist".

You're best friend is documentation (recordings (know your laws 1st), emails to the lawyer describing events with any additional proof, Facebook Posts (akin to dumpster diving, but...), etc.). Best advice is to go no contact if possible. If they're kids involved, try to minimize contact as much as as you can and keep the conversations focused on the kids - NO EMOTION as that feeds them.

My suggestion is search/read/understand. There's a lot of help out there once you know where to look.