Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

Mustardseed,

Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?

Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.

-PM

I am having so much trouble with this right now PM.

I feel like I have back slid so much. Last summer I felt improved. Then I got sucked back in and let my guard down, only to be betrayed in a way I never experienced before--and I lost my way--severely and at a huge cost in so many aspects of my life.

I don't know where I am now. I feel like I am worse off then ever, praying this is the rock bottom because I can't tell yet if I hit it. I am making so many mistakes, and he is playing this like a chess game. I have become paranoid.

Today, with work, I finally gave into the sadness of that loss. My marriage is still in free fall. Living in the same home is such a nightmare right now. It feels unsafe--not physically, but emotionally and I am frightened about what he might have up his sleeve. I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the old him, so that I will feel safe again. But the more I try, the more he shows this evil side. Fear is in control right now.

I am trying to think of goals. Right now I feel like I am in survival mode.

My main goal is one that deals with the legal end of this, that I would rather not discuss here.

I guess my other goals right now, is to find myself again.

I plan on doing some GAL stuff this summer. I am going to take surf lessons. I am going away for the night tomorrow.

My other goal will of course be to find a new job.

I think for right now those are the two things I have to focus on.

The GAL stuff is easy to be specific with. The job search I am struggling with. I feel defeated right now. Questioning what I always thought I new about myself, my abilities, my interests. I don't know how much of these questions are due to my current state of mind, and how much of it is truth.

I have a tough road ahead of me. I am pretty sure I am still falling right now--this is going to be a really ugly divorce--it already is really ugly. He has no intention of creating a civil relationship between us.