Time to bury the mustard seed

[mustardseed]

I definitely need to go back to goal setting. Today was the last full day of work. There has been so much tension among my TAs and the one who is taking over my job has been pulled to do different things without anyone letting me know. Another TA has been nasty to everyone and I finally ended up setting a boundary with her. So much it will do now that the year is over. But I had to tell her that I need to be kept in the loop. She said that she has felt like she hasn't been in the loop. And the issue is that the communcation has been so awful. No one tells anyone in our room what is going on, and none of us ever had any chance to meet to touch base. The last full day of school this finally came up. I ended up just opening up to them about how I am just looking back at everything that went wrong, and how sad I am that I am leaving this school that I worked for, for so long, in this way. They also expressed how frustrating the year was and how there was no communication. I broke down a bit. One of my TA's was offering encouragement about how a new chapter will begin and qualified that by saying that she is a glass half ffull kind of person. I told her that I used to be, too, but right now I feel like my glass is shattered. And I really hope that one day I will be back there. Right now I am finding it impossible to get a hold of my emotions. I feel like they are not within my control. And that is a new experience for me.

Then I took the kids to see Inside Out. All I can say is WOW! It really opened my eyes to what I am experiencing. To that reality of how when you are going through a crisis you can't just mind over matter things. And it made me forgive myself. I cried throughout the entire movie. My daughter saw the movie last night as well and she told me it was sad, but I was crying the whole time because all the while I was thinking, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MUST BE HAPPENING INSIDE ME AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

I can't wait to see it again!

As far as H. He is starting to frighten me. His mixed messages are obviously intended to set me up, I believe. I am making sure I clarify all conversations we have in text since his words and his body language are so contradictory. Today I could sense stifled rage. Later I realized it was because he made some sort of kid schedule for the summer. It pretty much included the days he planned to be MIA, and this weekend--I am going away tomorrow night and since it was father's day weekend I didn't think it would be an issue. Apparently he has plans tomorrow so the kids are going to sleep over his sister's. On that schedule he put down that he would have the kids today and sunday. I forgot about that. We didn't fill in every weekend, it really was just things that were already planned for each of us either with or without the kids. I didn't even think of it when I mentioned that I wanted to take the kids to the movies. We were only gone for 2 hours. And I asked him before I took them, he said fine, although I could tell he was annoyed. When we got back he was in a quiet rage. The tension was unbearable so I asked him if he was angry and if he could tell me if there was something I did that bothered him. He responsed in his typical non-commital way, "we have nothing to discuss" "don't talk to me" "just stick to the schedule". AHA, there it was. I told him that I am sorry if I upset him by taking the kids, but that if he had a problem with it he should have told me. I noticed he was video taping me. Then he turned off the video and started walking toward me, but accused me of cornering him. So I turned to leave and he walked passed me than accused me of following him. I continued the conversation through text. Tell him that I sensed tension and I wanted to clear it up. That if he could tell me what I did that upset him, then we can put it passed us. He completely ignored. I am starting to suspect he is trying to bait me.

I kept my calm. I was frustrated and I felt my frustration voice coming out (which he likes to say is yelling), but I stopped myself. I'm starting to be afraid of him. I think he is playing some sick game to bait me into reacting badly. Setting boundaries with stonewalling is really difficult. Walking away just feeds the tension. Trying to address it at least removes the tension, unfortunately it also doesn't solve anything, and I am afraid I am giving him ammo to use against me. He has become scary.