WAW moved out almost 2 years ago. I read DR and DB soon after, learned quickly to give her space, acknowledge her feelings, be supportive. I did as much GAL as I could, now have friends and see myself as so much more than the "husband and father" role that took up too much of my identity.
During this time I took care of her increasingly erratic and aggressive son (he was really giving her a hard time and fought any attempt at treating people with respect) who then had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. I continued to support him as we had the uphill battle of dealing with his episodes and refusal for medicine and treatment (this is actually par for the course with this disease, they truly believe they're ok and lose the ability to judge what they perceive as time goes on). In time, I felt I had done what I can do. 3 months ago she found him an apartment and his doctor has been helpful in having him hospitalized when episodes break out. He's now taking his meds and living as normal a life as he can in his own home on welfare. So far, so good.
Since then, we've had the chance to have a few conversations. Some of it was good, others not. They've been very cyclical. By that, I mean repetitive. When a topic of conversation was discussed, we'd both have our say but we'd revisit the topics all over again. I caught her a few times changing the details of her side of the story or minimizing mine. I let those slip though, the point isn't to have a court case of right or wrong but to understand each other.
I do still love her but some things have to be acknowledged: 1-She still doesn't show the actions or attitude of someone who's interested in me. We have had sex a few times but it's quite difficult to have any kind of conversation other than for parent stuff. She also disappears like a ghost at any mention of doing something together (I'm not talking about romantic high pressure stuff here, I'm talking about going for a walk when she's already here).
2-I'm not the same person I was. This is a REALLY good thing as I was depressed about who I became. GAL has been quite difficult with the financial burden I held on to for so long as well as the stress of living with an aggressive paranoid schizophrenic. But I did do what I could...I now have friends, a more promising career, still going to the gym (though weight loss isn't as successful as I'd like), I snowboard and rollerblade, bowl with friends, run obstacle course races. This new person looks at her differently now. I'm having a very hard time seeing how she fits in all this. Also, my feelings are changing from "I wish she was here" to "I'm angry and sad she doesn't want to be here".
3-I don't know if she's being sincere with me. after almost 2 years she simultaneously tells me contradictory things. I know there's no asking her to make a decision but often times I find myself in a catch 22. It appears as though she can't make the decision for a final break but won't make a decision to stay (I don't know if I'm saying that in a way that makes sense).
This has been very long winded, thanks to anyone with the patience to read that. At this point I'm wondering whether continuing to DB is the right course of action. Once the house is sold I'll be moving to my own new place, this is a hard reality to accept. I will be achieving a lot of the freedoms I want, many positive things are coming of it but the emotional void will still be there.
I want things in my life. I want someone who'll stay the night after having sex. I want someone to be there and listen. That partner to come with me and see the world. There's nothing wrong with wanting that in my life. I would love for her to be that person but I don't think she wants to be that person, nor does she seem interested in the things I want.
At which point do the lines between loving a person and realizing what the person is willing to be in your life intersect? These are confusing days for me. Any enlightenment is welcome and hoped for.
