Abuse is a personal issue, and elements of it are extraordinary detailed and pointed. In many cases we as targets may believe abuse is justified or that actually we are the source of it. PTSD depression and anxiety can be amoung the target's responses. There can also be a transition to physical abuse.
There is no replacement for professional assistance for healing, either for an abuser nor the target. Unresolved childhood issues can be involved for both and there can be great potential in healing those traumas. Deflection by the target involve having negative thoughts as a reaction and behavioural therapy can help counter those negative thoughts using techniques such as reframing.
Abusers may stop communicating entirely (level 5) so that ceasing an R may not be an enormous step. On a physical level, sex and physical intimacy and warmth can be withheld as punishment or reserved as a reward, and the abuser may use resumption of such connection as a means of restarting the cycle. -------------------------------------------- Recognising Trickery
After recognising abuse the first question the target asks is "how did I get to this?"
The answer is that the targets of a systematic abuser were tricked, seduced or groomed. The abuser targets by whisking the target off their feet or overwhelms them with affection. They act as if they were a perfect match, have the same goals and really want a great R. The targets are flattered, love bombed, complimented. They enjoy their company and are becoming addicted. They lose their sense of separateness and independence. They are being gradually conditioned with requests, "I love you without make up, don't wear it" or "you look great in plaid shirts, wear these for me". Then adaption "I am glad you don't mind me, drinking, smoking, going to golf etc" . Object and the abuser pretends to be under attack.
The honeymoon phase is over. The target blames themselves and starts to compromise boundaries. The goals aspirations and common interests all gone and of course the target blames themselves.
The moment of truth (spell busting)
Recognise the cycle and the target can no longer not know or deny the abuse.
The target can never 'fix' the abuser or the R. Abusers need very specialist help, in any case they often know they are abusing and they see nothing wrong with it. That isn't the targets concern, once healing starts then the target can only be responsible for and focus on themselves.
Post Spell Busting
If the abuser ceases the R then that is very lucky indeed. Despite the pain the conditioning will stop and the grooming ceases. The psychological bond needs breaking. This is hard and confusing, sad and lonely making. Ironically removing the addiction makes the target feel worse, like a withdrawal mechanism.
The abuser may well have planned the drama of the break up for a long time to punish or lay the guilt for leaving on the target. Criticising , saying the target wasnt obedient, loving, were selfish or not good enough. They are the victim because the target is so awful. They may have sign posted the leaving, created drama or pretend its for their own good.
Conditioned the target feels lost and empty, life ripped apart. Expect that, it's natural and absolutely necessary part of the process.
If the target ends the R then there may be nastiness as the abuser has lost control.
The end of the R isn't always the end of the abuse. Control may be gone but the abuser may dig and crow. Turn up, fb, steal joint friends, manipulate family or children. Except now the target knows that abuse is intended. But awareness won't always stop abuse.
Avoiding all contact with the Abuser.
Complete NC and darkness. Use Ls, intermediaries, blocks, change direction. The abuser won't feel pain or remorse and the target can not expect it. Nothing the target does or says will make any difference.
The target may need to cut the abuser out of their life completely or find the sweet cycle restarting. -------------------------------------- Have a plan
Be prepared, plan escape like a campaign.
Go stay elsewhere, get an injunction, have a "safe" person. Take IC. list the abuse or any diaries or listen to recordings. Have a good L. Hold steady to resolve, have cards close to chest. Especially in Fins, now is not the time to brag or disclose.
Plan for the worst and be glad if it's better than that. The abuser will have a vice like grip. Ever seen a film where the scary bog monster tries to drag the hero under? That is the model for escape from the abuser/bog monster.
In the case of physical abuse stay out of reach and have police help on speed dial.
Have video or recordings stored safely.
Change phone numbers for private calls, block the abuser.
Believe nothing unless evidenced independently. ------------------------------------- What to expect in recovery
sadness and the blues. The grooming, feel good cycle is addictive. As the target you were "in love" even when being abused. That is conditioning. You may have been loyal, believed the horrid things the abuser said, you were a fly in a web.
Anger is justified and natural. Awareness will trigger anger, infidelity may trigger anger. Lies are suddely more obvious and what was once hidden is now revealed with great clarity, the abuser may not even hide their contempt or distain for you. Suddenly you as the target are a threat, the abuser has lost control and as the target you have a clearer view of the abuse. Lashing out at the abuser is counter productive.
The abuser already knows the target can ruin their reputation, sabotage any future R, and the abuser may fear they will get their just deserts. The power is now with the target and the abuser will try all tricks to protect themselves. Ideally You as the target can stay above that with dignity and distance that will lesson the backlash a little. revenge may be a dish best served cold, but let the universe deal with the abuser. It will happen, the abuser is incomplete.
Healing of you as target isn't about justice, revenge or exposure: it is about acceptance and detaching. Escape is vital, stay out of the cross hairs of a panicky or cold hearted abuser. Appear disinterested, let them go easily to a new target.
Denial may mean downplaying the abuse or recrafting it. The target may even sympathise with the abuser or even blame themselves. Denial is a way of coping and an attempt at restricting damage. It can be useful for a short while. Doubt arises, questioning of feelings and the risk of returning to the abuse.
Anxiety returns and concern over new Rs, not just romantic ones.
Thoughts may intrude or cycle. They may habituate and trigger. Continued negative thoughts create physiological damaging and impede clarity. ----------------------------------------------- Recovery Tools
All recovering targets need a great support structure.
Friends especially safe validating friends. Those who will accept the abuse, listen to feelings and pick up PMA. Advice to recovering targets is to create a "story" that's part of history, a short cut. Friends of the target may be frustrated that the targets recovery is slow. Expect slow and then halve the speed.
Survivor groups, twelve steps etc are a safe place to express. Cheaper than therapy and builds a support structure of like minded friends. It gives resources. Online can be great too, love that DB board.
IC, abuse counsellor, short courses are all great for working the maze. There is good amateur advice but professional resources are needed to confirm. Expect issues, expect to learn, expect to change, expect chaotic thinking. Doubt, confusion and denial will take time to clear.
Self awareness means reading, thinking, reflecting, writing and acting as if. Walk into the pain, expect it. You will hurt if you reflect on the R, maybe retraumatise yourself. This will influence decision making and action.
Meditate and use mindfulness to stay in the now. Create gratitude and joy, limit down time, stay busy, go GAL. ------------------------------------------------------------ Do this- the target is fighting themselves
~Stay to a regular schedule, don't make sweeping changes unless absolutely necessary.
~Eat healthily. Extreme self care, nutrition, know the bloods, nutritional status, take extra advice on this.
~Stay hydrated
~Consider anti depressants, at least discuss them
~Exercise at least 30 mins a day
~Light, sit in daylight as much as possible
~Sleep and rest
~Saunas, massages and physical therapy
~Clean tidy clothes, hair cut, grooming and cologne.
~If it hasn't been said enough cut the abuser out of your life as much as possible, cut casual contact and of course stay non sexual
~Be alcohol free
~Stay free of another R for at least one year
~Defer very important decisions until emotions are reset
~Remove that tattoo, belongings, special records, photos, redecorate etc
------------------------------------------------------------------ Heading for acceptance
It is part of you the target's history. Let go of resentment and the desire to inflict pain through revenge. You will never be the same again. The abuser may be cycling with another target, the new target can't be warned.�
As part of healing the targets life once centred around the abuser is now self focused and that may be unfamiliar. As the target choosing the life affirming decision of staying away from the abuser. Stay out of the Abusers Rs.
Accept that change has occurred and leave the past in the past.
This post has been written from various notes including the reprise of Recovery from Abuse by Madeline Morgan
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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
