Since I still have the gift of time and not the gift of communication I spent last night reflecting on how my fear of rejection effected my M and what I can do about it without contact.
How it effected my M:
- stopped me from expressing my own needs. This in turn led to future resentment as they weren't being met. Instead of just speaking what I needed, I hid it, or tried to meet them myself. Or tried to meet them in unhealthy ways.
- turned any need expression from my W into a potential threat. If she needed something and expressed it I took it as "this is her way of telling me I'm not good enough and wants to leave me". Such a weak position to be operating from and one that's rather embarrassing for a grown man to have in hindsight.
- led to a constant level of stress that I did not express to her but instead used pot and alcohol to keep at bay. If I didn't have to feel it, it wasn't happening. This is turn led to a whole host of other issues.
- didn't let me operate from a place of strength. Therefor so many decisions that I made personally were weakness and fear based. This just added fuel to the fire.
Since we're not in communication, I'm using my real life as a practice ground and being honest with people both privately and publicly about my struggles with addiction, my decision to get sober, and also some of the more unique aspects of my life that are different from most men. I'm doing this with the spirit of "if people don't like what I like, that's absolutely ok and speaks to them and their wants/needs, not my value."
It's a new way of operating and is rather scary, but so far has been also very liberating. If I can't talk to my W, I'm still determined to get the fear of rejection into a different space in my life.
Thanks for listening DB'ers.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hi Pigpen, that sounds like some useful reflection. What you posted reminded me of Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability. She has a couple of TED talks, which you may find interesting. I also read her book 'Daring Greatly' which is well worth a look.
Good luck on your journey :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots, I've watched her TED talk a few times and even bought her Udemy course on the same topic.
Now my goal is to put it into practice. I understand vulnerability...from sitting on my couch, but getting the message out there that I want to both my clients and potential clients now involves a new level of vulnerability on my own end. This is the scary part.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Just got off of the phone with my W's cousin, a male who she was close with. He had no idea five months into this that we had separated, so weird since I thought they spoke regularly.
I'm having to deflect his texts now of "call her, fight for it, you're her husband, you have to lead like a man, that's what she always wanted."
At my DB coach's suggestion I did reach out to her via email yesterday about us meeting with a MC and having me go through the 9th step of "making amends with those we have harmed by our addictions". She hasn't returned my email but I know she works a 14 hour day today so I had no expectation of it.
I think I'll stick to DB principles and stay NC until I hear back.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
OK DB friends and vets, I need some advice. Serious advice.
I know that DB'ing is about principles not specifics and I know what I wrote above.
My W's cousin just called me back and said that he had a conversation with her.
In his words, "she's still grieving the loss of your M, she's grieving the loss of you, and wants you to (he told me this was a direct quote) 'man up and fight for me if he wants me back, I'm not going to reach out to him, if he wants this M he's going to have to call me and talk about it.'"
Sounds like it's time to change tactics.
Any thoughts?
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
OK DB friends and vets, I need some advice. Serious advice.
I know that DB'ing is about principles not specifics and I know what I wrote above.
My W's cousin just called me back and said that he had just gotten off of a phone call with her.
In his words, "she's still grieving the loss of your M, she's grieving the loss of you, and wants you to (he told me this was a direct quote) 'man up and fight for me if he wants me back, I'm not going to reach out to him, if he wants this M he's going to have to call me and talk about it.'"
Sounds like it's time to change tactics.
Any thoughts?
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I think it is okay to reach out to W and let her know that the cousin had been in touch with you regarding the M. You would want to do the following:
-touch base with W and ask how she's doing -ask her if she is willing to talk -preface by saying that you stayed away out of respect for her -you are taking a risk here -feeling scared here and say that you can only imagine she probably scared too -seek a confirmation that W did indeed say such words to cousin -state firmly and calmly that you want her and the M -it seems that two people are in a world of pain and not knowing how to reach out to one another -hope to begin slowly build bridge somehow -this will require patience and understanding from the pair of you -then nicely end the call with an appreciation for her willingness to talk
Listen and validate.
Say you have had some time to do some reflection and introspection.
I think you are more than ready to handle this talk. What do you think?
I might add that in addition you are in addiction recovery so you may also want to point out to WAW and cousin that this type of recovery from alcoholism is everything and more that the cousin is saying.
This recovery can not be put in jepordy or there will never be a full chance at an R. That is an epic battle that any hero fights for.
Strength is going slowly and steadily. I would still like WAW to see you accept a pin.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/20/1512:40 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
