Old dog seeks new trick 15

[Old Dog]

Thanks rd, SB.

It's been a while since I've written anything more than a couple of lines.

I'm back at the boys home now and I'm feeling just a bit down despite my 'progression' in the past few weeks. Daft lass has gone for the weekend but I don't fit in here any longer. The main bedroom doesn't have any of my stuff in it any more: her clothes are now occupying the rails and drawers where my once were. I don't want to sleep in there tonight but it's the sofa otherwise.

There are letters for me and us including a rent increase for this place. I want to take my name off the agreement and utility bills. I don't live here, it's not my home, I don't like being here, it brings me down despite being with my boys.

My other life however is bowling along: not quite as steady and slow as it should perhaps. My new lady friend is quite smitten with me it seems and her friend says I'm a 'keeper'. I think she's great too but ...

What are the buts? Fear? What am I afraid of? OK here comes a jumbled up stream of half baked thoughts.

Fear of being hurt? I don't think thats too big a one as although she is great, as I said, and has wonderful energy and a positive grab life attitude and of course I like being with her ... I've not fallen for her in the same way.

I look forward to seeing her and she sends loads of texts and messages with kisses on to which I respond but she had noticed that it is this way round. I'm unconsciously holding back a bit.

I have vulnerabilities, and so does she and we talk about stuff like this. We have opened up quite a way and this I think maybe one reason she thinks I'm different. I have learned a lot in the past year and I'm not afraid to discuss quite a of it ... but not all.

I fear hurting her ... and being a b*****d. She has been really good to me and I don't want to hurt her. I have never been on the dating scene, I feel I'm in a bit over my head. I feel as though I need to pull back a bit but I also want more.

I also fear that I am betraying my wife. Even though she has ended our marriage, as far as she is concerned, and is now seeing someone else, I was standing up for it. But now what? I've started seeing someone.

I would still prefer to reconcile. I would like to be given the chance to work on it, to save our family. Honestly though, I don't think she will and I also don't know how we could as I now live far away and don't want to come back here.

Ideally, we would relocate to where I live now. Fantasy I know but who knows what will happen in the future.

OK time for bed ... or the sofa.