Well tonight had a full blown melt down on the phone with H.
This caught my attention and I would like to plant a seed in your brain on another level of detachment. "Detachment" is a word that is thrown around a lot here as a magic answer to all of our problems, so I feel it prudent to expound a little bit on the subject as well as provide a personal insight I discovered that proved to be an invaluable tool to me.
Detachment IS an extremely integral part to the DB'ing process, but reading through various threads from time to time now, and reading through countless threads on here when I was more active (a few years ago) led me to the conclusion that many like to preach about detaching, but have no idea what they are talking about or even how to do it.
Let's operate under the assumption that you understand the basic premise of "detaching" (correct me if I am wrong). Intellectually understanding what it is (i.e. reading the blog-post from the LiveStrong website) and actually knowing what actions to take to achieve a level of detachment and then work to continually improve are two entirely separate concepts.
After reading up on various articles on detachment, you may find yourself asking "how do I do it?" To which most of the people on here (ignorant, but well-meaning), will provide you with a canned answer such as "GAL" and "it just takes time."
That is a load of crap.
Those are incomplete answers and an example of the blind leading the blind. Well intentioned, but still crap.
So back to my main point as I do not want to make this post so long as it deters people from the point I do want to make. Again, operating under the assumption that you know what "detaching" is, the next level of detachment is detaching from yourself.
(Yes, you read that correctly.)
The best way I have found to avoid emotional outbursts, to avoid being drawn into emotional conversations, to avoid someone else's actions hurting my feelings or bringing me down is to go through the exercise of, quite literally, detaching from yourself.
I've already gone on too long and if you are interested I may come back and expound on the practical application of such a strategy, but I at least want you to take away this:
Detaching is an intentional mental exercise that takes practice and self-discipline. With practice, though, it gets easier and easier. Time will not make it easier or make you better at it any more than time will make you a better basketball player. You actually have to pick up a ball, dribble it, and practice shooting if you want to improve.
Lastly, remain emotionless when in contact with your husband. If you have an outburst, mentally log it (or journal what happened), learn from that mistake, and move forward. Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up, just learn and move forward. This is very important - do you understand?
Originally Posted By: teach3
He is still coming but is back pedaling on the "And I will be happy" which I knew was stupid but my broken heart wanted to believe. I wanted to much to fast. I'm feeling so exhausted.
H wants to stress that he loves me but not like he should. Classic. H says he is coming home to try and repair relationship with relationship with our son. Son says he will only see H if I'm around. HMMM interesting circle.
He doesn't know what he is doing. He is trying on several outfits to see what he likes best, which is why Cadet's first post always says to "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does."
You can do this, but you need to focus on YOU right now. The plane is going down, the cabin has lost air pressure, and you need to put your own mask on first before you can worry and panic about anyone else.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
