"It's the most devastating piece of mail I have ever received. I'm heartbroken today. I really didn't think you would do this to us. I thought there was nothing that [your first name{ and [her first name] could' t overcome together. I'll be OK but I don't think it's very nice of you to be trying to console me over this. I just need some space. I'll see you sunday."
Sunday you should be great. Happy. Kind. Nice. Attentive. Be the 180 of what she'd expect. Let HER feel guilty and beat herself up but you don't do that at all. You aren't standoffish BUT if she wants to "talk" on Sunday you just say "unless you are telling me you are dropping the divorce and coming home, I'd really appreciate it we could NOT have this conversation on Father's Day. I've already had a rough week. Then go back to having fun and being engaging...even with her.
"telling me you are dropping the divorce and coming home" does' t me you are willing to DISCUSS her feelings about MAYBE dropping it and MAYBE working things out....it's either Yes or No. Because you aren't there to try to talk her into it staying married to you. She either wants to or not on Sunday (because it's father's day and you just got served divorce papers). Come next week, i'd rather you had any conversation with her she wants to have. Active listening with calm detached questioning.
As far as the divorce being amicable. That's great. Nothing worse than getting blindsided by the typical divorce petition that starts out really hostile. I strongly urge you to respond in 21 days with a more aggressive filing at least requesting primary custody of the children. The point isn't to get primary but to file for it and make her fear the consequences of her choices. She'll get angry....which is good for her. You'll say "I don't do divorce, my attorney handles it and I told him/her to do whatever they feel is best and leave you out of it to the largest extent possible. I had no idea he/she was going to do that...I'll have to speak with him/her". You can and probably will negotiate down later IF the case even proceeds. But recall...the path to intimacy is through conflict. By filing aggressively you get to say this is NOT OK. It's not fair I have to give up 50% of my time with my children when YOU choose to break your vows. You get to say that YOU are the better parent and she's not fully thinking of what this will do to your children. You can also tell her that your attorney believes that children, especially young children are better off in primary custody with their fathers and he/she told you that that is the way the courts are going these days more and more. Single mothers with children have a difficult time juggling life, bills, boyfriends and children. I'm not knocking single moms who usually do a tremendous job but generally men that want primary custody tend and fight for it, all other things being somewhat equal, tend to do a better job of raising children.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
