M ... Thank you, yeah at this stage in life if you have never come across "Divorce Bitter" you might be a little sheltered and I would rather put in a few years of work than to ever be that person .. regardless if I am D or not .. I do know I will not be bitter thank goodness.
Update/Journaling as I have some things in my head to purge.
After work I went home and loaded up my laundry. I thought ... I have a few hours to kill ... I will call mom. I have not shared much about my parents here ... in the short I was close with my father, closer as time went on (We had a fall out when I joined the military but grew closer and closer from that point on) Lost my dad in 2012 and did not take that well, I am convinced W was in MLC back then. Anyways so I am talking to my mom, telling her about the weekend ... explaining MLC for dummies so to speak. Now my mother is an alcoholic, and throughout the talk I realize .. crap .. she is drinking ... so she starts sharing past stuff and it hits me, some anger, a warp back to my childhood ... when I discovered my mother cheated on my father. I never really respected my mom because of that and to this day ... yeah she is my mom .. but there is a disconnect there, I am the oldest out of 3 and the only one who knows. My father found out .. he stayed ... is this why I've hung on for so long?... because I learned this??? After the call I did have a bit of anger towards W but knew that was misplaced ... went for a long walk and just thought things out realizing it had little to do with me, but I know I came away with more respect for my father for sticking around and not destroying the family when he had every right to, and realizing at that time my dad was gone alot for work, mom ... most likely lonely and going nuts with 3 kids found a temporary fix for needs that were abandoned at the time.
So .. yeah .. dealing with childhood stuff that has been boxed up ... I feel this strange change as of late, good changes ... even before this episode .... 2 years ago I would be sitting on the couch watching ESPN .... now I am out walking looking at the color of trees with a bounce in my step thankful for everyday I get to make improvements on myself.
I went home and cleaned up a bit, put away my things, W TM asking if I was coming over as she just got home. I was on the fence but figured I would atleast drop the dog off. So I jump in the shower, walk the dog .. then take him over. She greeted me with a nice smile .. was a little awkward at first without S there .... he is ALWAYS with one of us ... just her and I ... ALONE. She invited me in, offered me dinner but I told her I was not hungry ... we small talked a bit then she asked if I would watch a movie with her. Was a good movie and during there was little bouts of playfulness between us, like old times ... was just nice to relax and be myself and see some sorts of the old W in her eyes. She started looking tired as was I so I told her I was going to get going home ... she grabbed my hand and asked if I was going to go to bed .. I said yeah I think so ... then she said 'Ok lets go to bed'. Took me by suprise but did not feel strange so I went with it. We got ready for bed and laid down, thankfully I have beat down the OM/A in my bed thing as I gave it little thought ... in bed we had about 2 hours of pillow talk. She had asked if I seen a change in her in the past month ... not sure if she is doing something and feels its helping or what but I told her I have, I have seen changes in the past few months. She asked if I was nervous about the weekend, I shared last week I think I was .. but now I am just going in with an open mind and look to get out what I can. We talked about faith ... some of her family.. work ... she was trying to get out of me what I make $$$ wise now and I told her it was none of her business in a playful way, she said "I am still your wife" I told her "One could argue that" I was light and joking around but I thought about her saying that ... first time in a long time she has admitted she is my wife, it wasn't like it felt good or bad .. just a 'huh' moment. She pressed on the $$ thing and I told her I want a woman who wants me for me, the $$ should not matter one bit. I was rewarded with a playful punch in the ribs and a 'fine'. Finally Chatty Kathy stopped and I went to sleep ... Physical touch is my LL but I held back even putting an arm on her ... push-pull and knowing the dance I stayed on my side and slept. She woke up a few times ... even grabbed my arm and pulled it over her.
I woke up early and took the dog out for his morning walk, during this time I often have my conversations with God ... thanking him ... especially for how far he has brought me. This will be my last update till most likely Monday after we attend Retrouvaille .... no expectations ... in fact I am just more curious to see W reactions during and after .. knowing pressure is a trigger for the MLC I am curious to see if she feels any and how she will react to the entire thing.
