Thoughts on what to say to H in response to the question of why I decided to not go to wedding? My thought...
You have made it clear through your words and actions that you have dismissed me as your wife. You are not even acting as a friend at the moment, so the thought of attending something as special as a wedding with you does not make sense.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Thoughts on what to say to H in response to the question of why I decided to not go to wedding? My thought...
You have made it clear through your words and actions that you have dismissed me as your wife. You are not even acting as a friend at the moment, so the thought of attending something as special as a wedding with you does not make sense.
Has he asked?
If so, I'd just say that you don't feel it's appropriate to take this trip together at the moment. I wouldn't give a big lecture.
If he hasn't asked, then don't say anything. If he has asked, please go w/what Matt suggested. Lectures don't work on them and you may not realize it or not, but what you posted sounds like you want to guilt him for what he's doing. The best way to handle people who act like this is to ignore the behavior, be short and sweet w/responses.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No worries. Did not come up with H. However his sister did ask why I cancellled last minute. She asked if it was problems and said yes, but did not elaborate. she must have said something to H and he is upset that I didn't say ask H. I did not go into any details. Plus, not like they won't have thought something was up on their own. Not too concerned.
Last edited by BW05; 06/19/1503:30 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Remember that validating and agreeing aren't the same thing. Of course you should validate. Understand why he may be upset. That doesn't mean admit that you were wrong.
I wouldn't worry about your h's feelings over you setting up your own savings account. He's not going to know unless you tell him and I don't think I would for a while, if ever. You have to protect yourself and your assets and trust me, if he's spinning hard, he'll begin to spend money like water.
You can validate your h's feelings, but you did nothing wrong. You didn't elaborate on why you aren't attending the wedding and quite frankly, that's going to be on him to explain why you aren't there. He's going to have a lot of chances to spin his tales of woe at the wedding. You do not owe him an apology because you didn't divulge what the issues were.
He'll get over it in due time. Let him stew in his own juices in the stew pot. Why? Because no matter what you say or do, it will never be right for him at this time. Nothing will please him....so....you continue on as you were and be happy w/yourself and the things that you are doing for YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wouldn't worry about your h's feelings over you setting up your own savings account. He's not going to know unless you tell him and I don't think I would for a while, if ever. You have to protect yourself and your assets and trust me, if he's spinning hard, he'll begin to spend money like water.
Hello BW,
I'm so sorry, I keep meaning to catch up on your sitch, then mine "heated up" this AM.
Anyway, I think job's advice, especially the part I quoted is rock solid!
Hang in there...you can do this!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Ok, I will continue to move forward. Will not tell H about finance changes. Also setup a couple of consultations with Ls just to get some initial advice.
I have to say I am feeling better and stronger even though my sitch with H seems to continue to get worse. I am coming to accept more and more that my M is over. I do have bouts every now and then of not feeling I was not enough for my H and just general feelings of failing at my M. I am working on this though.
Also, I was starting to think that my H was wayward, but I am starting to see more signs of MLC. The irrational behavior just seems to be getting worse. The only thing I don't see is one particular event that prompted onset. There have been no recent deaths in family. The closest one was in late 2011 and it was a friend our age. The biggest recent life events have been H graduating, unemployment for a year, marital issues, and new job. All within 2 years. He did just turn 40 two years ago, so it could be an age thing. Is it also common for your visibly angry MLCer to say they are not angry?
Kind of a boring evening here. All of my friends are on vacation, so no one to go out with and it is a beautiful evening. There is an event in our downtown, so might wander down. Feels weird going alone for some reason.
Last edited by BW05; 06/19/1511:39 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Hi BW, sounds like you are doing well. I get the 'I'm doing better, but my sitch is doing worse.....' - I'm with you on that one.
A couple of things people say about MLCers is the eyes - dead and empty lookng. Another thing is that they want to simplify life. My H said many times - I just need my life to be simple.
Keep on going - you're doing great xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
