Last - what I maybe could have said in a less snide manner is that you've already been down this road. Why are you going back down this tunnel - you already know there's no cheese there!
This is a long process. I've been here two months - it feels like a lifetime, and yet I understand I may have many more before my W even considers R with me. So use the time. Really use it.
Matt - It always brings me joy to get someone to laugh.
Last - Both MrBond and Matt have great points. I've been DBing almost 8 months and I made many of the same mistakes you are making in the beginning. I know it's not easy. When is the last time you reviewed Sandi's Rules? I know Cadet posted the link when you first joined our forum.
Reread them. I can do it. More importantly, I will find me in this. I have been identifying myself with my family for so long, that I I have lost myself. I did that willingly. Now I have to figure out who I am with the relationship stripped away.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Last, listen to these guys. They know what the heck they are talking about.
We're the same age, and I read NMMNG twice, back to back. And it's still hard to make those changes after almost 40 years. You know how you do it? By doing different stuff than you used to.
And that's hard. But you've been given a great opportunity to start. Doing what you used to do (and are still doing) is what got you in this spot in the first place.
Yeah, my nice-guy-ism is particularly bad. There are things about me that I am sad to say are very true. The covert contracts, the dishonesty. It's not comfortable to acknowledge. BUT, I will be better.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I was wondering how you are today and then...poof!...I see you added a post.
It takes a real man to look at himself objectively and admit his mistakes and/or faults. You are a good man!
Do you have any Father's Day plans? Sorry, if you posted them already, I don't recall.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I was wondering how you are today and then...poof!...I see you added a post.
It takes a real man to look at himself objectively and admit his mistakes and/or faults. You are a good man!
Do you have any Father's Day plans? Sorry, if you posted them already, I don't recall.
Bob
Father's day will be spent with my 2 girls. W will be here too probably for most of it.
I have no real plans but to spend time with my girls. I have no expectations from W. This is for good reason. This year I was lazy and thoughtless on Mother's day. I got her a box of candy and had the girls make her a card. I got her nothing. Nothing for the first time ever. I rationalized it at the time. "It's really the kids day". She is their mother and they got her something. SO STUPID.
Anyway, that was 5/10. On 5/11 she was chatting online. Not excusing the behavior, but I probably really hurt her with that failure to acknowledge her and show love.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I hope you enjoy your time with your daughters. I'm sure you'll find something fun to do with them.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself about not getting your W a Mother's Day gift. You just joined this forum recently, correct? When I asked the group if I should get my W a Mother's Day gift (she walked out on me 8 months ago) everyone said "No."
It's the same for any special occasion for a wayward spouse. No gifts. They might appreciate it, but most likely will view it as an attempt to try to win them back. Also, by not buying a gift, it's a little reminder of some of the things that she's giving up.
Make any sense?
Hang in there please!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thing is .. the past is the past. And with a WAS its not always good to 'pretend' on holidays and birthdays ... "Oh here is a nice gift lets just act like you are not cheating on me". Whats done is done and you can not change the past .. none of us can, had we done everything perfect none of us would be at this forum .... and a little hint .. you will screw up later too ... we all backslide .. but we learn.
As far as Fathers-day ... DO SOMETHING with your girls .. do not sit around and hope W will stop cheating long enough to think about you ... take the girls out to pizza, putt putt .. whatever .. have fun .. if W wants to be a part of it cool .. if not .. cool. You have to start adopting a new attitude and take charge of these things.
I hope you enjoy your time with your daughters. I'm sure you'll find something fun to do with them.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself about not getting your W a Mother's Day gift. You just joined this forum recently, correct? When I asked the group if I should get my W a Mother's Day gift (she walked out on me 8 months ago) everyone said "No."
It's the same for any special occasion for a wayward spouse. No gifts. They might appreciate it, but most likely will view it as an attempt to try to win them back. Also, by not buying a gift, it's a little reminder of some of the things that she's giving up.
Make any sense?
Hang in there please!
Bob
The Mother's Day thing was before all this started. The last example of old me missing out on a chance to show love and appreciation.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I hope you enjoy your time with your daughters. I'm sure you'll find something fun to do with them.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself about not getting your W a Mother's Day gift. You just joined this forum recently, correct? When I asked the group if I should get my W a Mother's Day gift (she walked out on me 8 months ago) everyone said "No."
It's the same for any special occasion for a wayward spouse. No gifts. They might appreciate it, but most likely will view it as an attempt to try to win them back. Also, by not buying a gift, it's a little reminder of some of the things that she's giving up.
Make any sense?
Hang in there please!
Bob
The Mother's Day thing was before all this started. The last example of old me missing out on a chance to show love and appreciation.
What people are saying is that by Mothers Day, it probably didn't matter much. Yeah, if you got her something nice, maybe BD would have been a week later, or a month later, but the end result was probably going to be the same.
What's fone is done and there's mo point beating yourself up about it.
I hope you enjoy your time with your daughters. I'm sure you'll find something fun to do with them.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself about not getting your W a Mother's Day gift. You just joined this forum recently, correct? When I asked the group if I should get my W a Mother's Day gift (she walked out on me 8 months ago) everyone said "No."
It's the same for any special occasion for a wayward spouse. No gifts. They might appreciate it, but most likely will view it as an attempt to try to win them back. Also, by not buying a gift, it's a little reminder of some of the things that she's giving up.
Make any sense?
Hang in there please!
Bob
The Mother's Day thing was before all this started. The last example of old me missing out on a chance to show love and appreciation.
What people are saying is that by Mothers Day, it probably didn't matter much. Yeah, if you got her something nice, maybe BD would have been a week later, or a month later, but the end result was probably going to be the same.
What's fone is done and there's mo point beating yourself up about it.
I just wanted to give voice to it. I think people have a tendency to look at this as a situation where I was minding my own business and my W "did this" to me. I just want to establish that I share blame for the state of my marriage up to the point where she chose to cheat.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
