Mighty, I want to explain something because I see you seem to think that I have a problem with what you did.

I am not here to judge. This is your life and so you make your own choices. As long as you are good with it, then Im good, too.

I just try to let people know stuff based on my experiences, not just with my own sitch, but with many others both on here and out there.

But I always say, we only know what we are told here. You are the one who lives it. You are the one who knows the people involved.

You did what you did. You are good with it. That is what matters.

You are a lot like me, M, in that you want to understand things. I get it. I really do.

While there are scripts followed in this, the truth is that we cant really understand it fully..for a few reasons. The first of which is that we arent in crisis. And then the fact that each person is different. What brings them into crisis is different.

So, it really is best to just accept that we cant know really. And truthfully, understanding it doesnt change it. It doesnt lessen the blow, doesnt change the actions, doesnt temper the hurt.

They are in crisis. They dont know it. It was destined for them. No amount of loving them could stop it. They dont know why they do what they do.

But to answer your questions..yes, he could have peeked out, had some moments of clarity and then jumped back in. He wasnt finished, Mighty. He isnt anywhere near finished.

So, how do you let go of wanting to know? Because if you dont, it keeps you stuck. How do you allow what he says to wash over you? You have all the power here, you know. All of it. You get to decide what you think, how you react. You get to decide what kind of life you want. You get to decide what you want to show your kids.

And yea, it succks that he says those things to your daughter. You would be amazed at the things my xh said to my son. But you know what I got to do? I got to be the one who showed him different. I got to be the one who shared life with him, to show him that family does matter, to teach him that not everyone makes the choices his father made. I made sure to show him well. It was too important.

I wish I could tell you my son came out of this unscathed. But that would be a lie. But what did come out of this is that he and I grew closer. What came out of it is that my son wont do this to someone he loves. He learned about loyalty and keeping your word and showing up and being present.

I sure wish he didnt have to learn it in the way he did. I wish he had a father that was worthy. But thats not how life went.

Mighty, really, who cares what she thinks? Who cares why he was the way he was and then he wasnt? Who cares about the lies he tells? It doesnt matter. What matters is today. What matters is you and your kids and what you show them. What matters is who you are and who you become.

You may think that saying you want to understand isnt giving it headspace, but it is. And its not the good kind of headspace.

Anyway, about your list...pretty good stuff except for numbers 2 and 6, yea?

I just wrote this about self worth somewhere. Maybe it will help with number 2. smile.


I was thinking about how hard I worked to change the image of myself I had for most of my life and I wanted to share some of it.

I had to learn to understand the power of my attitude toward myself. How we perceive ourselves, how we talk about and represent ourselves and how we allow others to determine our worth eventually becomes our reality.

So, I started to look at those people whose opinions of me seemed to matter so much. I asked myself a few questions. The most important one being…does that person hold weight in my life? Does whether or not they approve of me affect who I am? If they don’t, how does that impact me?

Those questions allowed me to figure out some other things. One of which is the importance of self love. That’s about treating yourself with the same care, tolerance, generosity and compassion as you would treat someone in your life.

If you try to live up to an image of what you think others want you to be - you are following a compass set by other people's expectations, whether or not those expectations are clearly defined or implied.

And why do that? What makes someone else more important than you? What makes their idea of who someone should be more important than who you think you should be?


The thing for me was that I tried to be my best self every day. Some days I didn’t make it and that was ok. Some days other people didn’t either.

While you may feel that you want the approval of those you love..the reality is that those you love and who love you…should accept you exactly as you are. As for the rest….not your problem.

Be good with you. Deep in your soul. Accept your faults and your amazingness and everything in between because there is no one else in the world like you….and how freakin cool is that? 

Mighty, dont let this define your life. Dont allow it to determine your self worth. They took enough. Dont give them one ounce more.