Thanks NLW, Gwen and Bright, its so good to have the support and advice, it keeps me grounded.
Gwen - thanks for your kind words, it made me smile that you think me as acting gracefully ha ha, I can't see anything graceful about my actions really, I seem to blunder from one thing to another but as time goes on I find the amusing side to it all rather than seeing everything as a complete disaster and life out to get me.
My arm is painful after the jab, I was told it would be a couple of days being sore as it sits under the skin - my malaysian friend told me to rub hot cooked rice on it - something about the starch and warmth moving the blood flow under the skin, apparently it works for bruises also. Will try it this morning and let you know if it works !
Been another busy week at work. I asked our HR person when I can apply for other depts and he told me if I decide where I want to go then he can keep me in mind - although he did say that my supervisor and the store manager would have to approve it and as I am doing a good job they may not want to let me go just yet ...typical really, if I don't do a good job then I wont be considered for a move, but if I do a good job they wont want to let me go -hmmmm.
Its all quiet on the h front - I asked him for space to process the latest and he has given it. I go around in circles about what it is I want to do and what I can honestly handle. I think the main issue is FEAR. Fear of me getting hurt again, of me falling for him and him not feeling the same about me, fear that a future with him will take some of "me" away, fear that I will change. Is he really the best partner for me - is there/could there be better out there ......
I have already had to check myself a few times - I have thoughts about what I want to do next year and I find myself thinking "how would that fit in if we were to get back together", like where I move to next, if I want to study where would it be, would me travelling for a few months be an issue. He has already said that he really can't move because he has only just started a new job and it would not look good for his c.v if he leaves so soon and he also knows I intend to move in November anyway so its not like I am giving anything up for him as it was planned before he contacted me- he asked me to think carefully about it as it's a big ask - but I cant see how we can build anything if we don't even live on the same island!
He said he does not want to dangle a carrot and make promises he cant keep; at least he is being honest in the fact he has no idea how he feels about me - whether its in a friend capacity or wanting it to be more. All he does know is he thinks about me a lot more and feels differently - he had feelings for her when he last saw me so he felt nothing for me, no physical attraction at all, he remembers that and is worried that still stands for him.
To be honest this is worse that not having him in my life at all. At least I knew where I stood and as hard and painful that was, it was just about grieving for my lost marriage, processing what happened and building a new life for myself. Now I have this scramble of emotions, doubts, fears, questions and a terrible case of "what if's".
He said I can ask him anything and he will try to answer as best he can. I dont have any questions - until I know if this is just friendship or more I dont need to know anything, I feel if we are to have chance then I have to draw a line under the past year or it will move forward with us into the future. Can I get past what he did to us, has done in the past year and the things he has said - idk.
