Pushing Through

[NDY]

I was thinking the Same. The schedule and the other matter are two different things. I won't get much in the way of resistance on S9. One of the things she hated while I was away was the lack of time I spent with him. I didn't have a house for crying out loud. That's part of the reason why I came back. I mean your choices on what to do with a 9 year old on a rainy Thursday in Scotland while you are sleeping in your bro's spare room is very limited.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

W,

Thank you for reaching out. It is very clear that we both love our S9 and we each want some individual time with our son. I'd like to think that we can come up with a workable schedule that meets everyone's needs.

Here are some ideas here and I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as well. How about the following schedule for next week:

Tues, Wed, Thurs nights with me and then Friday to Sunday with you. (NDY, you can change this part as I am not in your shoes)

When S9 has his time with you, I'll be sure to have his clothes and other items packed ready for your house. Then when it's my turn, then you'll do the same with his clothes and items.

Make sense?

Have a good day.

NDY

I don't mind a polite letter proposing a calendar (getting back to 50/50) but telling her "it's clear we both love S9" is definitely over the top. It is NOT clear whatsoever. Surely one can presume a mother loves her children and the wife/mother you've always known surely loved your son; however, she is not that woman anymore. She's an selfish entitled wayward right now. OM comes before you AND your son. Her interests in your son are second to OM. This fact is consistent with her ACTIONS. Her behavior is endangering your son's life, his future, his education, his job prospects, his emotionally and physical health as well as his future marriage and kids (the legacy of divorce). A mom that "clearly loves her S9" wouldn't do that so there absolutely no reason to say that other than trying to smooze and/or validate a wayward.

There are times to validate in an "active listening" type conversation and there are times when not to validate (you can't validate wayward behavior by telling her you think she still loves your son when her actions say otherwise). It's disingenuous. It's not something you believe. It's not the truth.

The fact you are remain willing to reconcile at all is an action consistent with the statement the YOU obviously clearly love your son. If she really loved her son she should be willing to do the same, despite her FEELINGS.

[Wonka]

Oh and be sure to have S9 with you for Father's Day.

[NDY]

W,

Thank you for reaching out. It is very clear that we both love our S9 and we each want some individual time with our son. I'd like to think that we can come up with a workable schedule that meets everyone's needs.

Here are some ideas here and I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as well. How about the following schedule for next week:

Tues, Wed, Thurs nights with me and then Friday to Sunday with you. (NDY, you can change this part as I am not in your shoes)

When S9 has his time with you, I'll be sure to have his clothes and other items packed ready for your house. Then when it's my turn, then you'll do the same with his clothes and items.

Make sense?

Have a good day.

NDY

I don't mind a polite letter proposing a calendar (getting back to 50/50) but telling her "it's clear we both love S9" is definitely over the top. It is NOT clear whatsoever. Surely one can presume a mother loves her children and the wife/mother you've always known surely loved your son; however, she is not that woman anymore. She's an selfish entitled wayward right now. OM comes before you AND your son. Her interests in your son are second to OM. This fact is consistent with her ACTIONS. Her behavior is endangering your son's life, his future, his education, his job prospects, his emotionally and physical health as well as his future marriage and kids (the legacy of divorce). A mom that "clearly loves her S9" wouldn't do that so there absolutely no reason to say that other than trying to smooze and/or validate a wayward.

There are times to validate in an "active listening" type conversation and there are times when not to validate (you can't validate wayward behavior by telling her you think she still loves your son when her actions say otherwise). It's disingenuous. It's not something you believe. It's not the truth.

The fact you are remain willing to reconcile at all is an action consistent with the statement the YOU obviously clearly love your son. If she really loved her son she should be willing to do the same, despite her FEELINGS.

Hi GB. On this we are 100% in agreement. This is a drafted reworked version of wonka's original. I'd appreciate your thoughts

Here is how I see this working and I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as well. How about the following schedule for next week:

Tues, Wed, Thurs nights with me and then Friday to Sunday with you. (not real dates)

When S9 has his time with you, I'll be sure to have his clothes and other items packed ready for you. Then when it's my turn, then you'll do the same with his clothes and items.

Of course I will be flexible on this. When either of us has social engagement that don't clash with each other then S9 should be with a parent.

Wonka, did you not see the fathersday gate post?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I was thinking the Same. The schedule and the other matter are two different things. I won't get much in the way of resistance on S9. One of the things she hated while I was away was the lack of time I spent with him. I didn't have a house for crying out loud. That's part of the reason why I came back. I mean your choices on what to do with a 9 year old on a rainy Thursday in Scotland while you are sleeping in your bro's spare room is very limited.

If you are going to go the schmooze route what about saying something like:

"When you had me leave in January, I felt it was important to not disturb s9 to the greatest extent possible by allowing him to primarily sleep at his own house where he had his own bed and bedroom. I truly think it would serve S9 best if now that you've left, we kind of carry on that tradition of not shuffling around S9 or making him stay somewhere as a sort of guest. Hopefully your affair ends and we can see about getting you back home and reconciling our marriage but, until then, at least until you get a place of your own where S9 can have his own space this is something I hope you consider for S9's sake. In addition, please note that come Sunday you've had S9 for 8 of the last 11 nights, I am arranging my schedule so that I can pick up S9 from MIL's (or wherever) at about ___pm all next work work starting monday night (then dropping him off at ____am in the morning before work) and then next weekend I'm trying to plan an trip out of town to ______ with S9. We can go back to a more 50/50 arrangement of split time thereafter with, preferably, us coming to an agreement that most nights, until, God forbid, you get a place of your own, he sleeps in his own bed at home.

We also need to establish a more permanent schedule so I can get a second job soon. I'm going to need the extra money to pay attorneys and, if necessary, to buy you out of the house at the fair price you offered me last month. To be clear, I'd much rather you ended your affair and came home. Believe it or not, I miss us.

Your loving husband, x"

[NDY]

Thanks GB but I recon we place the two issues in two different camps. I like what you said but I know for a fact that if we mix the message she will focus on the wrong one. I've noticed this about her over the last few months. Either I don't get the message across correctly or (more likely) she finds it difficult to see the big picture.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I like the idea of asking for the moon custody wise in a polite way and making her try to negotiate you down to 50/50, at best.

She's staying at her sisters...that's not a real workable living arrangement for S9 and he can run home every night, sleep in his own room and bed until she has a decent place for him to actually LIVE. Even a 9 year old boy needs his own space...he is an only child after all (another good point to throw in there). He can "visit" and spend the night there every other weekend and in emergency situations where you are unavailable. S9 can spend time there maybe Tuesday and Thursdays OR propose something like mon/wed's till 8 or 9 pm on weeks after you had him for the weekend and Tues/Thursdays on weeks she had him on the weekend. But 12 of every 14 nights he is sleeping in his own bed.


Plus, it's also good to put pressure on her [and OM] to come up with a place of her own versus shacking up with family. See how fun an affair is when it's more than just some daily flirting at work, constant text messages ("i love you more; no, I LOVE you more; no, I love YOU more"), and a date night every weekend. Real life and real pressures break relationships built on infidelity quicksand.

She won't necessarily agree but why just hand her even 50/50 when she was perfectly fine with taking all the custody when you had to move out (due to her misbehavior - not really your own choice)

[NDY]

And this^^^ is pretty much what my L is going to say to her L. Legally I can't stop 50/50 but you are right in what you say. So on that one I'll leave it to my hard earned cash to negotiate since my L agrees with you.

Wanna know what suks? The money I handed over to the L today. I was thinking how good a B day I could have given S9 with that money. Ah well...

[Georgia Bulldogs]

on the other issue why not just ask her

"what do you think I mean?"

Answer a question with a question and start a conversation.

It'll save you a lot of time trying to come up with the perfect response because she will probably clarify that she's not seeking a discussion about anything other than trying to nail down and then mock and criticize your [misinterpreted] idea of staying married somehow, living together and perhaps, dating others?????

Then again, maybe she comes back saying she is actually having some second thoughts about all this and trying to actually take your temperature. In that case, you want HER talking and expressing her thoughts and feelings to you (her pursuing you) versus you giving her a letter/email over sharing, being mean and/or pyscho-babbling.

Maybe "I think I've been pretty clear about my position. I don't want a divorce. Divorce is injurious to our S9 so I remain willing to try to work things out and rebuild an terrific marriage. End your affair and come home. What did you think I meant?'

[NDY]

on the other issue why not just ask her

"what do you think I mean?"

Answer a question with a question and start a conversation.

It'll save you a lot of time trying to come up with the perfect response because she will probably clarify that she's not seeking a discussion about anything other than trying to nail down and then mock and criticize your [misinterpreted] idea of staying married somehow, living together and perhaps, dating others?????

Then again, maybe she comes back saying she is actually having some second thoughts about all this and trying to actually take your temperature. In that case, you want HER talking and expressing her thoughts and feelings to you (her pursuing you) versus you giving her a letter/email over sharing, being mean and/or pyscho-babbling.

Maybe "I think I've been pretty clear about my position. I don't want a divorce. Divorce is injurious to our S9 so I remain willing to try to work things out and rebuild an terrific marriage. End your affair and come home. What did you think I meant?'

Hey, thanks because that's what I was thinking. Simple and to the point. It doesn't need
anything more. But, I think we need to temper back just a bit. My thinking here is that we need t start small. Any thought of a successful M is right out of her depth right now but the message also needs to be clear. Am I making sense? Wonka's email is the first time ever that got a response from her that didn't shut her down. Going from A to Z in one swoop will scare her off I think. Not sure.