Hi all... looks like some different names here than the ones I typically see in the Newcomer's forum. I've been posting over there for a month or so, but thought I'd post over here because my partner's infidelity just keeps rolling along, and she's gotten to where she refuses to see it as such. Just looking for some insight...
Apparently, not long after we took a camping trip (during which she was very affectionate and loving with me) with the woman with whom she would commence an emotional affair, my partner (we are a same-sex, not legally married but definitely committed couple) decided she was no longer "happy" with me, had "fallen out of love" with me, and wanted to move on. Dropped the bomb a mere two weeks after that trip, and for a few weeks, she was clearly confused and conflicted.
My W recognized she was having an affair. She knew, at moments, that she was addicted to the text messages and the furtive meetups. The OW was a predator who caught her in a very weak and vulnerable moment, and I made clear how I felt about this. In fact, before I found the book and these boards, I made a lot of mistakes.
After one fight in particular towards the end of May, she made it clear that we were "done," and she was going to start dating (this woman). The night of their first date, I kicked her out of the bedroom. The morning after their EA became a PA (it was so clear to me), I forbid her from touching me. (Although she's gotten around that one a few times.) Since then, she's just become more and more resolute: she and I are done, she is moving on, she has a new relationship, I'm not her partner anymore, she isn't cheating on me...
We are still living under the same roof and will until the end of August. At that point, we'll separate - she's moving into her own place, at least not with the OW right away. What I want to know is... do I still have hope?
When I look at the long view I think, yes... I must. She is still swirling around in a fantasy land, making questionable choices, absolutely not grounded in reality. How long till she realizes this, and possibly looks again for the stability and sanity she had with me? I can't compete with the OW's money... that's another obstacle. I don't know. But if she has redefined the situation to be something other than infidelity, it seems my odds are very long.
I'm DBing and GALing and detaching and getting my life on track regardless. This is more about whether I'm on a quixotic quest.
Thanks for reading, and if anyone has insight or experience here, I'd love to hear it.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hi Diff, the important thing with DB is you get to decide. There is always hope as long as you choose to continue to stand for the R. Hope for the R may come to an end once you decide to move on. I say may, because folks do sometimes R after that point.
I don't think your partner's 'rebranding' of the situation is a cause to lose hope. No-one wants to be a villain in their own life story, so many people seek ways to justify having an A.
As Heavy said, this journey isn't for the faint hearted, and it most likely won't be a short journey either. This is why it is best to switch your focus firmly on to you and how you are going to live your life going forwards. Do you have some nice GAL plans underway??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You're right, Heavy. I want to see the A crash and burn quickly. I wish she'd move in with the OW right away, in fact. But, that's not her plan. Wouldn't "look" appropriate. Others' perceptions matter to her (right Toots, no one wants to be the villain), and it's killing her that some people do already know the truth.
As far as GAL, that's a day by day thing. I do have a good network of friends, and my family is only an hour's drive away when I need to get away. I go out more nights than I don't these days, and try, when I can, to be home later than her. But that's getting harder the later she stays at the OW's house. And plus, it's getting exhausting. I really like just relaxing at home most evenings. We both did. It almost seems disingenuous to keep going out just to "fake" having a life. Still, when I'm out, it helps me not think about what she's up to.
I told my son today that it feels like my W is dead... not just the marriage, but her. Like a demon has possessed her body, and this woman is someone else altogether. It's really painful, but I don't need to tell you guys this.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Are you kids "both" of yours or just yours from a previous marriage/relationship?
Are you on a Quixotic quest? Dunno.
I think you made the right choice to set boundaries. It would be nice if you could kick her cheating a$$ out of the house sooner than later.
Sometimes healthy boundaries are the best form of getting a life. They show the cheater that you are someone to be reckoned with. Strength is attractive.
Don't pretend to get a life. Get one. Really. Try some things you might enjoy. Right now, however, the ONLY thing that seems to matter is getting her back. I might suggest a little healthy anger and outrage may put some clarity in your game.
She's got to feel that by leaving, she's going to lose you. You can't be her plan B.
