Is there anyway that you can bow out gracefully and gently nudge them toward their own R? I mean...it's for them to figure out themselves. They don't need you to be their interpreter, right?
I love my middle son. I feel in many ways he got an especially raw deal over all of this. His location, age, and fall out . . . Actually he is a competent human being who everyone loves, and bends over backwards to accommodate (as I am doing).
I was thinking about excusing myself as an option: xh still wants to cast me as the villain. To this end I am growing some fangs, but it is taking time. So showing up then smiling and going clothes, books or food shopping seems like a great idea!
Bea, I still think that this meeting should be between the two of them. They are both adults and they will have to learn how to mend the bridges on their own. If your son was a teenager or younger, I would say yes, go in a heartbeat, but your son is older and should be able to meet w/his father and if need be, lay it all out for his father as to how he feels w/o his mother being there as a buffer or anything else.
If you opt to go, then I would do as Wonka has suggested. Go, say your hellos and then leave after a bit. It's time that your xh figure out how to communicate and mend the bridges w/his sons. After all, he's the one that burned the bridges and he's got to be the one to rebuild them. You can't go around rescuing him from his bloody mistakes or he'll never learn how to communicate w/his sons.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your son wants you there because he feels the need for some protection from ex's craziness - well, I'm a mom, I would do that for my son. If son says "I dunno why he wants you there, mom, I don't care" - then bow out, it's just another manipulation on Ex's part.
Bea, I think you know me by now..that there isnt anything I wouldnt do for my son. And if there is a really strong reason he wants you there, I would seriously consider it.
If not, I really think it would be good for your son to navigate this himself. After all, that's part of life, right?
And I also think, hel!, let your xh have to deal with it like a big boy. He made the mess..let him clean it up some.
Having had 24 hours to consider it - it is all rather childish! One thing i have noticed in our interactions is that my xh is really nervous around me these days. Whether phone, email of face-to-fce he is trying to please. Makes a change from aggression. But it is still weird.
Here's the thing - a big part of all of this (for my sons) was how they saw my xh treat me. And it is a big part of any reconciliation process that he treats me well. So what I think my son is trying to do is see if he is capable of behaving well around me . . . . they have already met up, and my xh puruses this one relentlessly as he is the only one prepared to even give him air time.
Well, Just spoke to my youngest son about something else entirely, and at the end of the conversation he said his father has been phoning regularly, has apologised profusely and they are meeting up shortly!!
Xh said to him 'I have been fairly awful for the last few years' !!!!!!!!
