As far as the 'other websites' I have read a few ... and hey its the internet so its real easy to spin a situation this way or that, Ive even seen a few non-pro-marriage sites similar that would have us believe all is lost.
Thing is ... there is no doubt in my mind your W is in a MLC crisis. I know you have dipped a pinky toe in that pool but being as I have been in this for some time .. reading your sitch and updates, I have little doubt to be honest.
It all falls on what do you want? your W is lashing out ... the best way I had it described to me was the family German Sheppard, he would not harm a single family member, in fact he was the protector ... till he was run over ... in so much pain I went to help him and he tried to bite me. Truth it ... Hurt people hurt people ... that little phrase put things in perspective for me.
You are right .. you are the one thing inbetween her and what she thinks happiness will be, so the short answer ... get out of the way, detach, GAL, live as your W passed .... she may or may not ever wake and comeback ... these things are out of your control, what is in your control is how much crazy you want to put up with ... and the way you react to it.
I will tell you this, when I finally got calm, to a place of peace and stayed there for some time ... it took the pressure off and W was allowed to spin and realize that her husband ... the one who was the sole reason for her misery ... was not in the picture and she was just as .. if not more miserable and she began to work on things that created the crisis. THIS did not happen quickly ... its still an ongoing process but I am at peace with how I handled myself and my marriage up to this point. Its not for the weak that's for sure, and it takes FOREVER. My perspective, I have been with W 24 years, I was/am willing to sacrifice 2-3 years to see where this goes. In the big picture .. its not alot to give ... if she were in prision for a few years I would wait.
Hang in there, let her spew ... set your boundaries on how you will and will not be treated .. they need this ... you've got this.
So freaking hard. I get advice from so many many people all who say something different. She is divorcing me so I have only a little control over it. I can't stop the process but I can make it slower - maybe.
Yes, I agree she is in CRISIS but the daily hurt and devastaion financially emotionally spiritually is almost too much to bear.
Once I get the papers back from my L I will review and review and review and see how long I can stall it out.
I am doing what I can to stay out of her way, focus on me and kids and trying to carry on.
9 months is a lot. I don't think I can do 2-3 years. I really don't. I will do the best that I can.
Thanks for the support and words of advice.
Best - HEAVY
P.S. I am so vey happy for y'all. You are an inspiration to so many.
When you say "I can't do 2-3 years", what does that mean? How would your life be different if you were divorced RIGHT NOW? You'd still see each other at events, drop offs, etc, you'd still be communicating about activities, she'd still be with OW, and so on. Just saying to yourself "I don't want to be married to her anymore" doesn't really change how you feel, how you interact, how you REact.
So I guess what I'm saying is at this point divorced/married, it doesn't make much difference to what she does, what she says, and how those impact you. So, try to reduce your scope. Go day by day, hour by hour, etc. don't worry about what might be in 2 years yet, because WHO KNOWS.
Sure, all of this is very difficult. I think you are too stuck on the timelines. Forget about timelines. Everything about your situation is fluid and things do change in 3 months, 6 months and 3 years.
Thanks and what the difference is regards to the finances. Remember my W left - split - took off - and won't pay for her potion of mortgage which is financially burdensom for me and kids.
Thanks and what the difference is regards to the finances. Remember my W left - split - took off - and won't pay for her potion of mortgage which is financially burdensom for me and kids.
Ms. Wonka did the very same thing. Guess what? I managed and survived.
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
No one but you can decide when enough is enough. I think thats often the misconception that the WAS has all the power in this when its truly on the LBS .... its all us when we want to drop rope and be done, that is different for everyone.
Like Wonka said .. timelines are not beneficial, no one told me just how long this stuff would be ... I am not sure it would have mattered to me to be honest, I hit a point I just let go to be honest. I was not going to file for D, if she wanted that fine, I would sign when I had to but no way was there ever going to be a point when she could tell anyone Cali divorced me ... if she wanted out .. she would have to file and do the paperwork .. that was just hoe I felt.
I have seen others here just tire of the crazy and file for their own sanity ... maybe they needed that to detach and move on .. I never did .. I detached and moved on without it ... hoping maybe one day she would see me for the amazing person I am and the OM for the douchbag he is, but more importantly for her to be alone, and really figure out what she wants out of life. I was one who felt the A was the obstacle ... turns out it was never about the A ... its about the WAS and them working through the stuff that set them into crisis in the first place .. .the tragic part is all the destruction in the aftermath.
HD, I feel for you and the frustration. I think most people are generally giving the same big picture advice. There are just some smaller specific things that can be done different.
She's gone, there is no M now. What you are doing is moving forward with your life without making any drastic decisions or reacting with your emotions that could interfere with what could happen with you two in the future. Letting go and keeping out of her path of destruction (unless its involvimg you or the kids)so she can make her own life choices, and hopefully learn from her mistakes. Yes, fighting her on financials may not help but in some situations it's needed to protect yourself. Shea abused that situation so not much more you can do about it.
This is why we are polite and cordial, not because they deserve it but because we are being stronger and not reacting with our emotions.
Detachment would be a great thing to work on, go through the thread I'd you can, find a book to read on it. I was in that mental chaos not long ago and something clicked and now I feel like this huge weight has lifted off my shoulders, for the most part. Keep moving forward, things may not always get better but we keep getting stronger making it easier.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Yes, Caliguy I agree that it is not about the A although that makes it much tougher to bear but it is about them, their childhood chit, their FOO chit, and a lot of other things rolled into one. I truly understand that.
However,since she has filed, I have no choice - sure I can delay as much as I can but then my kids go without due to financial strains she has put on us - walking away from the mortgage being the biggest. So, it's not just about me but about my kids an their financial future.
