It doesn't require an urgent answer. Interesting though that she's pressing for me to reply. I can understand the S9 thing even though I said I'd contact her about it tomorrow.
I've seen it before on here where the kids are used as an excuse for contact that turns into a temp check. Hence need to be really careful.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Great point . . . She could be using S9 as an excuse for contact that turns into a temperature check. Proceed with caution.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
If she's being pushy, why don't you just say something like 'I am currently looking at a number of options. At this time I can't confirm anything'. Yeah, it's bullsh1t, but it'll buy a bit of time until Wonka and crew get onboard stateside.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
To me that's the wrong response. There are only two options. And the A and work on the M to try and avoid D or go straight to D.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I think it is important to keep emotions in check throughout this process. When people are emotional or feel strongly about a topic/matter, the timbre of communications can really escalate and people do say regrettable things that they cannot take back.
It is important to remember that you've already communicated the no-OM boundary and no D desire to W. She clearly knows where you stand. No need to repeat them ad nausem nor in a shrill, girly voice.
The communicaton books that have helped me immensely during my own DB journey are as follows:
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton
The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listein Can Improve Relationships by Michael Nichols
All of ^^ these books dovetails very nicely with Divorce Remedy.
There's this other book that I found helpful in business communications and I've utilized some of the techniques in my other communications as well.
The A to Z of Being Understood: Make your Voice Heard and Conversations Count by Kay White
Thanks for stopping in. The book list will be useful.
The email was basically 2 lines. What arrangements have I thought about for S9 for next week and have I thought any more about her question.
That was it.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
She emailed about arrangements for S9 and is pressing for an answer?
I just said I'd get back shortly RE S9 (quick calculation and he's only been home for 2 nights in the last 8 days and will be away again all weekend
I hope you aren't informally agreeing to anything less than 50-50. You don't answer to her and her custody demands. She doesn't call the shots, take son and keep son whenever she chooses. IF son has to go this weekend with her to some prearranged and scheduled event or thing...you should propose a calendar that makes up for that time later this month.
"I understand you have plans and events scheduled this weekend with son but just so we are clear, for the time being, we are sharing joint 50/50 custody of son. You've already taken 6 of the last 8 nights without really communicating with me at all and your thing this weekend with make it 8 of the last 11 nights, thus, I am rearranging some things, working early and late so I can have some time off to be with son the end of June to make up for that time under the following schedule:
[insert calendar with you getting 8 of next 12 nights - maybe have her couple of nights fall on a weekend or something to ruin her plans with OM}.
In the US the overnights are what matter.
You could say "Let me know of any tweaks to my proffered schedule you'd like to suggest based upon your schedule.
You are NOT really asking her. Here's the schedule...suggest any tweaks and I will take them into consideration.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I've only seen him 3 nights in the last 8 so I want him from Tuesday to Monday.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Wonka, not sure about her being scared to return to the M. To her there is no M to return to.
I am going to 'creatively acquire' a great gem that 25yearsmlc has sprinkled fairly frequently in DB posts amd here's one she responded to a poster (25's comments are in blue):
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Its very confusing and I am on a roller coaster of is he coming home or never coming home.
Please get off the roller coaster. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you to "wait" for your h. When you GAL for real, you will no longer be on his roller coaster.
I think about it constantly.
No offense, but ^^ this shows.
As I've said before, GAL FOR REAL and you will not be constantly thinking about him.
Do you think that obsessing about him and your situation has helped you at all? I don't. I think it's holding you back big time.
Plus, NO WAS returns to a marriage they left,
unless
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.
How is your behavior showing your h any real change?
When you obsess and fume, you are letting Fear control you and when you operate in fear
you are not operating in faith. And it hurts your cause.
It is very hard to wait and see
THIS^^^ IS the flaw in your approach my friend. It's a common mistake.
No one here is telling you to "wait and see".
If you have read the DB books or gotten much out of this board, it must be that you are NOT to "wait & see".
You have to take charge of your life and your happiness
(and model that for your son) asap. Moving forward is NOT = to giving up.
But as of now, I fear you are still confusing "standing still" ("wait & see")
with standing for your m.
Standing for your marriage is NOT standing still and waiting...
