7 weeks in feels like a lifetime.

[lovethehub]

Lynn

I am the one who had the A in my marriage and I can tell you that your H is probably going to flip flop back and forth for a while. My H found out about my A within a month of it beginning and I told him it was 'just an ea' 'didn't mean anything' 'I wouldn't talk to him anymore", etc. It was all a lie. It felt so good to have someone care about me again and I wasn't willing to give it up but at the same time I didn't want to lose my H or my M. This went on for a long time (2-3 years)where we would start to work things out and things would seem better but I still wasn't fully committed because I didn't think he would forgive me and I didn't think it would be any better. He forgave me a second time when he found out I hadn't stopped contact with him and that it was a lot more than an EA. When my H would be ready to give up, I would tell him everything he wanted to hear and become a good partner again...for a few days or a few weeks and then, as soon as we were okay I would be back with OM. After we stopped sleeping together, I continued an EA with him for a while. Even when that ended, I could not fully commit to my H for a long time. I am not telling you this to scare you or discourage you. I wasn't lying when I told my H what he wanted to hear, I meant it, I wanted our M but I was so confused and I was scared to trust that it would be any different than before. I was afraid I would give up OM to go back to the same M we had before. I believe that most people who end up having an A never thought that they would do it but they end up feeling so lonely it happens. I am not saying it is right, I just think that is often the way it starts. It is hard to think about giving up what you have found because you feel alive again and you are afraid to go back to the way it was.

H and I ended up reconciling after several years of struggling and it wasn't until I really knew that he was done, finished, that I got my act together and worked on saving my M. (I was not having an active A that whole time but the aftermath of the one I had was long, ugly and painful).

I haven't read DR in a long time but it seems like she says "if your spouse is having an A or has stated they want a D you need to LRT". I may be wrong, I am away from my home for 2 months so I can't look it up. However, reading your story I do not see where the incentive is for your H to change his mind. Yes, he sees you being different, you are open to his advances when he makes them,you have great conversations but then you sit home while he goes to the bar or he leaves to go see OW. As long as he is involved with OW, you should not be having any relationship conversations. Yes, let him see you being different (not freaking out) but you want to be friendly and detached. He needs to respect you and he needs to know that you aren't just going to sit around and wait while he goes off with his EA.