Starsky, could you please be a dear and post the Robx-Gucci letter here? Thanks much!
It is my understanding that both Robx and Gucci were banned from DB years ago for posting advice contrary to the fundamentals of DB. It is also my understanding they have also both been banned from just about every forum regarding infidelity out there. They are anti-marriage and anti-hope. Anything either of them says on the subject is, in my opinion, destructive (even if it sounds ok at first glance).
As I recall they basically would both tell you to kick your wife to the curb and if she comes crawling back begging then maybe you've got a chance to rehabilitate the little lady. "Let her go" was their battle cry which is completely contrary to MWD, every other credible doctor/counselor on the subject as well as against biblical principles.
Just take that into consideration when reading any form or letter they crafted or propose.
Additonally, if you first email wasn't so watered-down and convoluted she never would have asked for clarification. It's not very attractive to be unable to express yourself clearly and with authority. When you start bogging down communications with "I feel" statements and validations statements you enter the realm of psycho-babble. Just be you. Tell her you are hurt, devastated, don't want a divorce and want to fix your marriage. Tell her she needs to end this silly meaningless affair with this dorky guy who can't get his own single woman so he trolls married women, who also has no business in your family or ever being around your son. She'll go nuts or not. So what. The only positive thing is she asked you a question so you have the opportunity to speak your mind.
Maybe the email they propose is OK. I'll read it but I doubt it will advisable in your situation at all.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Wonka, not sure about her being scared to return to the M. To her there is no M to return to.
GB. I hear what you are saying but I don't think she's confused in the way you may think. I've always maintained that I don't want a D but won't stand in her way if she wants to pursue one which is why her question was so surprising.
I'd like to see this email as well.
Peace.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Personally I don't think she's confused but since I don't know her, it's only my speculation. I think the reason you got a reply of this kind is just because your email was very void of the emotions your first draft had, and I think if you'd sent that she would have curled back due to being overwhelmed.
I'm soon off to my therapist and God knows I need it!
Big hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
One thing that I wanted to mention as well that may be important. At one of the early mediation sessions the mediator had said to me about 'End of relationship' therapy. Yes, they are good at breaking up M's in this country. Anyway I refused but W has mentioned this to me again.
Bearing in mind this is a tightrope we are walking I think this is important simply because anything I say will be held against this statement. I can't afford to come across as desperate or attached.
That's why as much as I admire GB and welcome what he has to say the direct approach will just blow up in my face. In the early days I did just that type of thing and now look at the state of us.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Well, that's the L instructed. Main points right now are housing for S9 and he's going to speak to WW L in a non confrontational way (what ever that means). Thank goodness I've tried to be reasonable with this.
Still cruddy though. Handing over all that money which should be spent on nice things.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
That's why as much as I admire GB and welcome what he has to say the direct approach will just blow up in my face. In the early days I did just that type of thing and now look at the state of us.
Something to keep in mind... Early on in the relationship things were good, and that is when the spouse falls in love with the person you are. Perhaps over time you have moved away from that form of problem solving, or perhaps that technique no longer works. It is important for you to understand what happened, so that you can incorporate the proper 180s.
Does that make sense?
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
That's why as much as I admire GB and welcome what he has to say the direct approach will just blow up in my face. In the early days I did just that type of thing and now look at the state of us.
Something to keep in mind... Early on in the relationship things were good, and that is when the spouse falls in love with the person you are. Perhaps over time you have moved away from that form of problem solving, or perhaps that technique no longer works. It is important for you to understand what happened, so that you can incorporate the proper 180s.
Does that make sense?
It makes complete sense Matt. Thanks for chipping in. At the moment our interactions are limited to electronic communications which makes it slightly more difficult to convey the right message. That's why I was surprised at her response to the last email RE L's. Note though, when I enforced the 'Don't contact the OM in the house' she exploded and the very next day left. So we are clear where she is on that one.
I get GB's point about not being worried about upsetting her. I understand that and I'm not avoiding conflict I'm just trying to find the 'right' combination of language.
Not sure if I'm making myself clear or not.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
She emailed about arrangements for S9 and is pressing for an answer?
I just said I'd get back shortly RE S9 (quick calculation and he's only been home for 2 nights in the last 8 days and will be away again all weekend) and completely dodged the main question until the support network kicks in.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Good call -- please hold off until you hear from Starsky or one of the other Vets.
Your point, "I was just impressed at the DB machine gearing up." is how I feel, too. Everyone on this forum is so terrfic. I love the way Wonka sent out a call for Starsky on your behalf!
I'll be checking on your sitch later.
We have your back.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
